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Bleach - Read if I am...

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Craizen Posted: 17:50 Feb02 2012 Post ID: 3090868
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Trying for a Bleach Arc Fan Fic Here. Part one. Original idea to Tite Kubo and all that.

A pen is mightier than the sword they say. If only this statement was true; I wouldn't be here writing to myself, and most of all you. You see, I find my exerts as writer are far superior to any fighting skills I may have. It is not that I lack skill or patience, or natural talent, I have plenty of that. It's just I find writing to be root of all things, the reason we choose to keep living. As writing leads to knowledge...and knowledge is everything. You can't began to argue that point with me, I'll talk you death. But in the advent of knowledge, there are those who either wish to steal it, or those who don't understand it. These are the ones who cause our suffering, our war. You see it don't you? But fighting is inevitable, ingrained in our blood by missteps of earlier parents. And why do I write this? Because my friend; I am going to Kill Zaraki Kenpachi.

Now don't you go placing me with those lawless brutes I mentioned earlier. I know what am I doing. Now whether I am doing this out of blood lust, or lack of knowledge...that is yet to be seen. But I forgot to mention a class. Those like me, the cold calculating ones who know what will happen, but proceed to do so just to tickle their fancies. Mostly, they are killed odd, disturbed. Serial Killers as you humans would call them. We are not. We are curious, the elite who run the country, blatantly suppressing the sides you call monstrous for the benefit of preserving society.

But maybe I should start at the beginning, shouldn't I?

My name is Mazari Ginshou*. I am 32 years of age, of dark skin, and bald held except for the long queue I wear. My features aren't particular pronounced, though I have sort of a hawkish nose, with deep brown eyes. I am of average height, only 6'0. Muscular without little fat, at 175 pounds. A tattoo of my family stature weaves itself around my right arm. I pride myself in keeping my appearance up. It was needed. I was born of Noble House, a house that fell out of glory with me at a young age. How it fell, I still don't understand With my the majority of my family deceased, I was banished to a crime ridden and poor section of the Seretei. It was here that I actually met Zaraki; the first time I was exposed to his brutal self and fighting style. I was intrigued and horrified, a wondrous feeling. It was the first showing of my personality to myself. Now as I was saying, the part of town I was in wasn't the easiest. But I made do. I made friends and kept to myself, though I was a tad of loner. Hugo was good friend of mine, and we had close relationship, protecting each other like brothers. He had a little sister, Mina Juzag, who was like sister to me too. We fought of bandits, took plenty of beatings and stole to make our living. We charged what little spiritual energy we had, in dreams of the soul reaper. Hugo was talented at it, and had plenty, and talk showed that he was the next to be chosen. I tried, but was never quite was good. Mostly due to the fact I never tried, applied what Hugo tried to teach. A soul reaper came one day, to check things out. One of squad eleven. He tested Hugo in battle, I was sure he would pass, practically beaming. The reaper left him for dead, uttering words I'll never forget, "I have no interest in weaklings who could can not fight." Little did I know these were presage to later dealings in my life. I was devastated, with no one to heal him, he died on the road. Mina and I buried him a quiet spot with simple stone reading Hugo, Brother and Friend.

Mina looked up to me now, her surrogate brother. And I did my best. It took a year to fully recover, but in that year, I trained. My spiritual pressure grew slowly at first, but as I grew more confident, it exploded. I swore I did it for Mina, but I knew the truth. I did it for me. I did it for the knowledge of revenge. Mina too grew, her hair even changing to the green of her brothers in honor. Soon, they came for us. Mina, by a member of squad four. Myself, the same member of squad eleven. I damn near cut his head off. He was the fool who did not have the knowledge to not underestimate. But I had vowed revenge, and revenge I would have.

End of Part One

*Mazari((Maw-Zuh-rI)) Ginshou((GiN-shOU))

« Last edited by Craizen on Feb 2nd 2012 »
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penguinlord352 Posted: 20:10 Feb02 2012 Post ID: 3090935
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This looks really good. I'm looking forward to seeing more. The narration really caries the contempt and rage at the moments where it would boil over if an actual person was saying that. The pronunciation key at the bottom was helpful, too. Good job, in my opinion.
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Craizen Posted: 21:42 Feb02 2012 Post ID: 3090965
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Thanks walt. I'm just going to try to get through these first few narrative parts to pick up more dialogue
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penguinlord352 Posted: 22:19 Feb02 2012 Post ID: 3090979
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Well, you seem to be off to a great start, to say the least.
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Craizen Posted: 13:06 Feb17 2012 Post ID: 3094710
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Pt two

Mina and I were sent to the academy. It was amazing, learning the arts of Sword Play, Shunpo and Kido. I particularly liked Shunpo, and in my free time I would practice it with heavy weights, increasing my speed and muscular strength. I was never as good at Kido as Mina though; it just came naturally to her. Though, being third in the class wasn't so bad either. I would lie awake at night sometimes, just in awe, only to be interrupted by thoughts of Zaraki. It is not that I had forgotten him, my hate still burned deep. But all consuming hatred is a fools game, and would prevent me from moving forward to the place I wanted to be. During a sword play class, my style became a apparent to me. I was loose, and liked to make pointed strikes, instead of swooping cuts. Though I carefully learned both styles, and learned to dual with two swords, though I didn't always like carrying two around. Me and Mina would spar hand to hand. She like Hakuda, or powerful hand to hand combat. Who knows how many of my ribs she broke, but it was worth it. I was stronger, tougher, and had a better grasp of how to approach opponents. While Mina was allowed to be top in the class of Kido, I stayed relatively back, doing enough to say...pass. Squad Eleven was power, and reiatsu based Zanpaktous and Attacks were somewhat frowned upon. But I did practice it, I especially liked capturing techniques, and could cast high level ones relatively easily. Soon enough, after six months, Mina and I were out, and sent to our respective squads. I was at the bottom, which meant grunt work. It was excepted though. You can gain experience anywhere. The only problem was not getting much fighting in; I was always called last. Mina did well, learning healing techniques and prospering in Squad four. She never got very large, actually being older but not really taller than Zaraki's tagalong Yachiru, who was still a child in a way. After a year of grinding, I finally had my chance.

Squad eleven was being organized to destroy a hollow infestation, created by the science division. Only a few were being taken, but I did my best to get on YumichikaAyasegawa's good side. It paid off; with is recognition, I was able to get on the task force. There were some disgruntled voice, they soon shut at the command of their captain. I say their, Zaraki was only captain because I happened to be assigned to his squad. I never excepted him truly. The hollow infection lasted for two months, and in between fights, I hanged with Ikkaku_Madarame and Yumichika. Plus Mina of course, as she came to help heal wounded. It was good time, I truly liked these people, and in due time would tell them my true desires, I didn't wishi just to use them. After of course, it was too late to stop me. I also really learned about my Zanpaktou. It was marvelous, and finally during a tough battle, after weeks of meditation with it, It spoke the name Mazoki. To call it forth it was Stun the Night Mazoki! Mazoki Manifested as a four fooot long one and half foot two prong sword, like a tuning fork. It's hilt was blue and yellow, a classic design, the blade stark white. The outsides were rounds, but the interior of the blade was sharp, and it pointed. Fitting to the way I fought. I learned it's first ability, being able to split in two. I split that hollow clean in two.

"Marvelous."

End of Part Two

Kido - An attack using an incantation to summon forth a desired effects. Some do damage, some capture. Higher level users can use without the incantation, a great skill in battle

Shunp - Flash Step. Allows a soul reaper to move like a flash in battle. Varrying degrees of speed.

« Last edited by Craizen on Feb 17th 2012 »
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penguinlord352 Posted: 14:34 Feb17 2012 Post ID: 3094735
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Looking good. This is getting to be a pretty strong beginning. I can tell you really put some thought into how you wanted to go about this. I am enjoying the wisdom of the main character, the patience and the understanding of the pointlessness of certain kinds of hatred. I look forward to more. The planning and the meticulous training really carries on the sense of hatred conveyed by the first part, too. Good work.
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Craizen Posted: 14:44 Feb17 2012 Post ID: 3094743
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:> Thanks Pengy, it means a lot
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penguinlord352 Posted: 14:49 Feb17 2012 Post ID: 3094747
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You're welcome Craiz. I can understand where you're coming from with the writing style a bit, as a fellow writer. So, I'm happy to be of help for feedback.
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1 : 2 Posted: 10:20 Feb18 2012 Post ID: 3094996
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I don't read nor watch Bleach, much to the shock of others, because I don't think I'll be able to catch up to the hundreds of chapters. But I've always found it interesting. Especially Shunpo. And I like it that although your character doesn't excel in the famous energy attacks (reaitsu?) oh so overpoweringly used by the famous Ichigo and the Kido (if there's something I mistook here tell me), he tries his best to excel in the flash step. I feel that it makes the character unique and distinguishing, so i say good job. Plus there's a chance you get to give him an awesome title that would terrify his foes. 'Ginshou of the Flash Step', perhaps?
But also, I see quite a number of spelling and format mistakes in there. Plus it's short and there's a lack of dialogue. But then again, maybe this is just the beginning. If so, then screw my opinion and keep up the good job. Also I second what pengy said about the hatred business, although I still think that playing it straight does give a story a bit more spice and emotion...

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Craizen Posted: 12:48 Feb18 2012 Post ID: 3095049
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Well, actually in bleach lore there are a few Speedy masters. His will tie into his sword abilities later on. I haven't gotten to dialogue yet, I didn't want to bore you with drivel of a backstory yet, especially since when this will be over it will only be the first half of the saga.
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penguinlord352 Posted: 16:05 Feb18 2012 Post ID: 3095110
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Oh, there'll be another? Maybe even...two more? Interesting. I look forward to it.

« Last edited by penguinlord352 on Feb 18th 2012 »
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Craizen Posted: 11:02 Aug17 2012 Post ID: 3140141
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Next Section!

Decisions to be Made

"Hado! Shakahou!" The energy blast went sailing at Ikkaku who slashed it with his blade and came charging in, typical style for him. Though it seemed the more I trained with him, the more so it became my style too, Squad eleven's style. I leapt, doing a light leap over him and letting loose another blast. He dodged, changing his step to weave in closer.

"Ha! At this rate you'll never make draw out my Zanpaktou!" he teased as he made several quick slash at me, the last of which I barely dodged; I was fighting unarmed, only with Kido and close quarters hand to hand. I zipped around and gave myself some distance, my casting was good, but I needed some power with this one.
((*Note, Spell castings are not correct, just to show how power is linked))

"From the Heaves to earth, coursing from from feet to my fingers-"

"LIKE HELL!" Ikakkou shouted as flashed stepped closer, but just a second too late.

"Hado number 4, Byakurai!" A bolt of pure lighting came casting from my fingers directly at him. He dodged up high into the air, falling into my next trap. I aimed carefully, calling a defensive type of Kido, called Bakudo.

"Bakudo number 21: Sekienton!" A ninja cloud of red smoke came and exploded around Ikkakou, and he proceeded to cough, disorientated as my position became lost. I moved quickly again while I was still obscured.

"Bakudo Number 9:Geki" As the smoke cleared, I had managed to trap him in a thin layer of red light that surrounded his body, immobilizing him. I raised my other hand.

"What now, fair friend? Hado Number four:Bayakurai!" The lighting bolt came crashing at him, and I smiled as I heard his next words.

"Damn it! Come forth, Hozokimaru!" He managed to break my hold and dodge, his reiastu flaring up. His base sword now evolved into a pole arm with a blade on the tip, able to split into three sections. I knew this would prove troublesome if he got close.

"Hahaha, and you said I wouldn't be able to do it! Now if only I could make you release your Bankai."

He snorted. "And what makes you think you...damn it, damn damn damn damn!"

I chortled and flash stepped away. I had what I needed, plus, angry Ikkaou fights better than a mellow one.

See, what had happened as he had broken rule number two of Squad eleven, never reveal your true power in the presence of your squad members. I head off to Mina to heal up. For the most part I had managed to dodge, but early in he had gotten me pretty well across the back, and my healing Kido was wearing off.
..................

"You know, you really must stop training like this, your going to get yourself killed!" Mina chided as she healed my wounds in Squad four barracks.

"Yes yes, but it's necessary, I must get stronger. His skin is as tough as nails."

"Only to those afraid...but..." her voice softened.

"Are you still going after him? Can you not find it in your heart to forgive before it is too late?"

I sighed, I loved Mina like family, but this was beginning to put a thorn in that. I didn't like it...but my resolve was made up.

"I must. Revenge must be taken. I can't believe you would just let that go."

"Some things must be let go, lest another life be lost."

"Only one will be lost, and that will be that-"

She pressed lightly on my shoulders, someone had entered, Zaraki.

"There you are, Mazzy Kun!" Yachiru, Kenpachi's every vibrant vice captain. "Kenny San wants you for a mission! He said to get off your lazy *** and get to fighting!" It was almost cute, and she bounded off.

"Well, there goes my day," I said, getting off the table.

"But your wounds, I'm not finished yet!"

"I'll be fine, I'll be careful not to open them. Goodnight Mina."

I was almost out of the room, before she spoke, a soft voice.

"Find it in your hear heart Mazari."

I stopped, but did not turn. "I'll try."

But that was a lie, and I feel she knew it.

« Last edited by Craizen on Aug 17th 2012 »
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penguinlord352 Posted: 19:13 Aug17 2012 Post ID: 3140406
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Interesting new segment. I've been watching the show itself lately, and you really do have accurate info, which makes it much more enjoyable in my opinion. In any case, good work. Keep it up!
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Akai Posted: 20:40 Oct24 2012 Post ID: 3165657
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Well written I must say.
I can't wait to see ikkaku lose it on your persona once he realizes your intentions you will most likely have to deal with his bankai once he learns you plan to kill kenpachi
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