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I wrote a beginning of a story....

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Alana|D Posted: 21:55 Feb16 2013 Post ID: 3216138
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She slowly awakens from a terrifying dream. She sits up in a sweat. Then she notices. What was terrifying was not a dream.
She looks in all directions for help then feels a sharp pain in her right leg and she cries out in agony. How could this happen? How did she get shot and no one notice?
Out of no where a guy appears and kneels down beside her and tells her it's ok help is on the way. She gets woozy and passes out again.
Several hours later she wakes up in a hospital. The guy who knelt down beside her was there. She asks "Were you the one who shot me?"
He answers with a chuckle "No. I'm not the shooting people type." She sits there and looks at him. "Why is that funny?" she asks. "Dry humor of mine. Didn't mean to upset ya ma'am" he says with a apologetic smile.
She replies "Oh I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be rude." She notices that he has many cuts on his wrists. She almost asked if he did those, but she caught herself before she said anything else that was rude. "So how did you find me?" she finally asks.
"I heard the gunshots and heard ya yell out." "Oh." she says now embarrassed. "I was only trying to leave town and go some place else where I would belong." Her eyes begin to water.
He places his hand on her cheek and looks at her crystal brown eyes. "Don't cry. I know the feeling of not belonging. Matter of fact, I was leaving this town as well." She looks at him and notices how limeish green his eyes are and that he has black short hair. He looks gorgeous.
"Are you gonna leave soon?" she asks. "No. I'll wait until you get out in the morning. By the way, I'm Chris Towel." She chuckles at his last name then says," I'm Lauren Matter. Nice to meet ya Mr. Towel." Now she's laughing out loud and it feels great. She hasn't laughed like this in a while.
He laughs with her then says "Alright Mrs. Matter. Settle down". They both laugh together. For once, Lauren was actually happy and Chris seemed nice and happy to be around her. She began thinking. Maybe she could trust one person, but she'll never trust the people she once called her family.
Never, but she was tired of being alone and this was her chance of having a friend and maybe even having a boyfriend. She hopes he doesn't ruin it and begins to fill him in on her life. After she finishes, he begins to tell her about his life and how his was the same at first then how he began to make his own decsions and live
the way he wanted to instead of the way his family wanted to. He seemed very independent and happy with his descions. Plus he was 17. A year older than her and he was single. She was thrilled to hear everything he said. Then she finally realized that she was crushing on him. Hard too. She found herself blushing
after almost everything he said, but he didn't mind. He smiled ever ytime and looked right into her eyes. She could tell he felt the same. She only hoped he would ask her out. She was too shy to and she really liked him. She
liked him more than anyone else she has ever liked. He was down to earth, intelligent, sweet, had a great sense of humor, had the prettiest eyes and smile, plus he played the guitar and was so sure and confident about himself. She loved it. She loved him. She wanted to be with him.


That's all I've written so far. What do ya think? O_O
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stormform Posted: 10:48 Feb17 2013 Post ID: 3216348
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You're using a lot of short sentences which can make the reading experience a bit annoying. If you're using a omniscient narrator, make use of it. Don't just narrate what is happening right now, give the reader background information. Display the characters feelings more in a neutral way.
Currently your text is mostly "she does" and "she sees" type of narrating. While it can be good, it has to be used in moderation. You can try and eliminate that by using different forms of sentences such as "Looking at her crystal brown eyes, he lays his hand on her cheek."

Even if you're trying to make it the atmosphere mysterious, you should still try to describe the surroundings in a way that don't give off too much information, but still leave a lot to the reader.

My 2 cents ;p

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sphynxx Posted: 15:02 Feb17 2013 Post ID: 3216463
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Moveded coz this forum needs a lil love too <3


<3 to Craizen for the Avatar & TheLlama for the Signature.


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Juli said:I am officially a Sphynx fangirl. C:
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penguinlord352 Posted: 22:21 Feb17 2013 Post ID: 3216601
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For that, I thank you.

As for my opinion, try and put the two characters' lines in separate paragraphs. It gets slightly confusing reading 'he said...she replied'. Having it as

"Hey there," he said.

"Hey yourself," she replied.

makes who is speaking clear instantly and saves the reading a bit of frustration trying to figure it out. For something short it isn't a big deal, but if you really want to make this long you should at least do that much, in addition to what stormform mentioned.
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credit to shay for the sig and Craizen avy.
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Billyo Posted: 08:11 Jun30 2013 Post ID: 3256124
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Hi, Alana|D I Think your Story is Very Good.!!... Don`t get Angry at your Critics, for they make you a better Writer. Yes, Your Characters tend to chit chat a little to much. So get back to "a Terrifying Dream". Well What Happens.!!... Is it a dream or its not a dream. She was shot. By Whom, What, Where, Why, When and How. Your Story can go in any direction. Your imagination is Endless. I think you`ll be a very good writer.!!... Cya...
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Billyo Posted: 07:13 Jul18 2013 Post ID: 3259963
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Hi Alana|D, Do you have any more stories That I can read. I Like making up stories. SiFi And Fiction.!!...
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KingofCorn Posted: 00:32 Jul30 2013 Post ID: 3263338
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Just curious did you come up with these ideas after watching horror movies?
Make America Great Again
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Billyo Posted: 06:52 Aug12 2013 Post ID: 3266278
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I think you have good Ideas. You can only get better.. "The more you write, The better you Get".!!... Who said that.? I think its a Famous Quote. Oh ya! I said that... Huh, Imagine That.. See The More I Write, the Better you`ll Write.. Or something like that... Well I`ll shut up now... Cya L8ter.!!...
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super zekrom Posted: 20:11 Aug17 2013 Post ID: 3268031
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SO AWESOME LIKE YOU
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SuperJen Posted: 09:48 Jul22 2014 Post ID: 3331310
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Hi Alana. I hope you are still out there writing. I've never been a creative writing and I've always admired the people who are.
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danielroxheaps Posted: 02:39 Dec07 2014 Post ID: 3362584
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I can script write but I can't write stories like you :0
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To find me on any other website just look for the user "danielroxheaps"

KingofCorn said:See Matt becomes gay and suddenly there are shitposts everywhere.
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Tough_Nut Posted: 06:33 Feb08 2016 Post ID: 3401480
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Pretty nice! I like the start of the story, hope it will hold your readers in interest and intrigue up to the end of the story)
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seattlelimoline Posted: 02:27 Apr16 2019 Post ID: 3447847
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Awesome topic! thanks
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