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Some of you may remember when I asked for advice to help my friend with a problem he's going through. Well he took a couple of big steps but unfortunately is in a hole again and unsure of what to do next.
Last time I said I couldn't be specific, and I know that makes it hard to understand, so I need to reveal more even though he doesn't want anything revealed. If your political or social views don't correspond with this then feel free to leave at anytime.
My friend, let's call him Rick for security reasons, is gay. He's known deep down for maybe a year and finally realised that he definitely was about 6 months ago. He's told me, another friend of his and mine, a friend from another state, and some other guy. No girls know. He's not flamboyant either (he's slightly awkward, a bit shy, can be quirky but not often, is into watching sports but not playing them (he's not a stereotypical gay guy)). He's been holding up as good as he can under the circumstances but recently I've been noticing him being quite sad a lot of the time. Sometimes he seems fine, and next thing you know he looks depressed and will barely comment to anyone's conversations. The friend he told, lets call him Bryan who it also my friend, is quite insensitive and doesn't quite understand that it's a hard time for Rick. He often makes jokes that seem harmless and most of the time are, but occasionally he crosses the line and Rick is too nice to tell him when enough is enough.
It may seem like a blessing that his older brother and only sibling is also gay too (and out) but he doesn't think so. He mentions that he hates knowing that one day he's going to have to put his parents through yet another round of "**** my son is gay". They are completely progressive and have absolutely 0 religious beliefs, but he still worries and is too afraid to tell them and his brother. Because of this he doesn't want to tell others at school and then have his parents find out through some message on FB.
I'm worried that Rick's getting to breaking point again. Last time that happened he told me and then went on to tell an online friend too. But if he tells more people the chances of his secret getting leaked increase significantly. Bryan's insensitivities aren't helping either. Butting in and telling Bryan to shut up won't work; he's got strong beliefs (conservative minus religion) and so he'll speak his mind and that's that.
What can I tell Rick that will hopefully help the situation? Keep in mind he's not going to tell his family anytime soon. I really want to get this right for his sake. And should I talk to Bryan after all? If so what should I say?
~ Sometimes people change, but sometimes you just open your eyes & realise who they truly are ~
I wish I can help, but I don't know really what to do as I can't relate. From what I've seen with others, it's always best to just tell everyone. But if he isn't comfortable doing that, than he isn't comfortable doing it.
I understand. It's hard with minority groups; no-one knows what they're going through unless they are actually part of that particular group themselves.
~ Sometimes people change, but sometimes you just open your eyes & realise who they truly are ~
I'm sure one day he'll work up the courage to tell everyone, but yntil that time, just try to be as supportive as you can be. That's really all anyone can do.
Erm I cant help him because I haven't nor will ever be in that situation.
And Michael's from a country ruled by a ****** and I'm in the shitty country.
You know how they could tell the seasons in Australia. Summer = Fires. Fires everywhere. Autumn = Leaves. Leaves everywhere. Winter = Fires. Fires nowhere Spring = Animals. Killing everywhere.
He needs to tell his brother. A problem shared can be a problem halved. I dont get why he doesnt at least confide in his brother at all. Anyone can be fine one day, down the next but you need to be there for him when he is down as he chose to confide in you for a reason. I dont think its kill his parents either but I think his next step is telling his brother.
Thanx to Craizen for the sig, love ya babe, Hubby for the avi.
Also can't be too helpful, but the only thing for sure is that the problem won't go away until he comes out and his friends / family know. Its scary and I understand him wanting to wait. Once the information is out there he will either be free of the problems or find it creates new ones, although I strongly suspect that it will get much easier. Until then.. as the warrior said.. do what you can as a friend to support him and let him know when he's down that he can talk to you about it. That alone will make you the hero he needs.
If this post is irrelevant to the topic please ignore it. It may be a test and it may be deleted shortly.
Nikki - He's just not a very confident person and doesn't have the courage to do it. He told us over text so it goes to show. He knows it's the wrong thing to do, but he's probably going to leave it as long as possible.
Mark - The problem is that he's much closer with Bryan, and he chose to tell him first. We're good friends but he considers Bryan his best friend, and he's not really supporting him. He knows there's support from me, but he would like support from Bryan. The problem is that Bryan can be very insensitive and quote he thinks "expressing emotion is weakness".
~ Sometimes people change, but sometimes you just open your eyes & realise who they truly are ~
It definitely isn't unintentional. It's just the person he is. Plus he's dealing with stuff probably as bad as what Rick is dealing with (his sister has had cancer for the last 8 months or so).
I also have another dilemma (who thought my life could have so much drama). Bryan has also looked pretty bad the last few days and today he mentioned that he can't sleep and isn't eating much. The problem is he's so hell bent on being independent and not expressing feelings that he rejects any help offered (a while back he got offered a counseling session by his sister's hospital but he rejected, and I suggested he just go for one 30 minute session and if he didn't like it he could just not come back).
So I have two friends. One is going through a serious family event and isn't looking great, even if he wont admit it, and the other one is a closeted gay who is so afraid of coming out and what it will do to his family; he also isn't doing well, and also his friend is being really insensitive about the situation unintentionally.
~ Sometimes people change, but sometimes you just open your eyes & realise who they truly are ~
Matt could you do me a favor and download Discord? I can live chat you there and even use my mic(even if you don't have one) and bit more private and would easier to convey. Especially since I just lost the long aff message I typed here initially.
I mean I guess that can work but it's a light download. Actually i forgot there's a browser version you wouldn't even have to download it if that works? or would you rather just email?
Didn't see the message edited to Discord but it's the same answer nevertheless. To me email seems easier and plus I know you're not a stalker but video chat seems a bit extreme for just a bit of advice. Plus I can't have my computer in my room so I don't want to be talking out loud and have my family hear private things. Appreciate that you care though so if you still want you can email me.
This isn't the entire story though so if you just send me an email saying something like test I'll explain further and then you can comment.
« Last edited by Matt77 on Apr 3rd 2017 »
~ Sometimes people change, but sometimes you just open your eyes & realise who they truly are ~
It's not video chat, Discord has both voice and text channels, I was just trying to get something that was an easier live to live if available, no biggie. I.e I could be in voice and you type or we could just both type was all
Luckily there's been a revelation. Bryan called Rick and they talked about heaps of stuff regarding le homo. You can still message/email/contact me if you want but the situation has certainly improved within a few hours.
~ Sometimes people change, but sometimes you just open your eyes & realise who they truly are ~
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