Advice

WARNING: Essay post incoming.

As you all know I have been away for a few months due to work + post-grad studies + other stuff. I was basically putting all of my energy between those 3 things, and that's why SuperCheats fell into the background.

This 'other stuff' refers to a lot of thoughts. A combination of:
- What is my long-term future?
- Will I ever be in a relationship/long-term relationship?
- Will I ever gain independence?
- I need more interesting hobbies in my life

Context:

During high school & university I never even considered dating. At the time I didn't need it, and didn't have a need to 'be with someone'. I was quite happy on my own, and it gave me more time to focus on study and hang out with friends. But when I started working full time, lots of the people at work had long-term relationships, and it got me thinking a lot about my future.

I am socially awkward when first meeting people. Pretty bad really. Once I know people I am generally fine, but it makes introductions hard. So to me dates with strangers, blind dating, or dating apps have little appeal to me. Then you combine it with the fact I am very self-conscious, even about small things which shouldn't be an issue at all.

The Issue:

Now the actual issue. Because in the past I hadn't considered relationships, this didn't tend to happen (only happened with one friend). But out of the blue I got a crush on someone at work. Logically it is pointless, since:
1. I don't want a relationship yet (just considering the idea)
2. They are in a long-term relationship
3. There is a 2% chance they will reciprocate, and probably a 25% chance they would actually like me

But I can't shake it off. So much about them is great in my eyes. Nice, funny, doesn't take things too seriously, & has a great smile. I am torn with what to do to make it fade away:
1. Try ignore/avoid them as much as possible and try not think about them at all - Is possibly the best option, but it also means not talking to the person and possibly making them uncomfortable too
2. Keep floating along, sometimes avoiding them, sometimes thinking about them a lot, and hoping that time will solve the problem - Is what I am doing at the moment, but it is not working yet. When they aren't around at work I feel sad, and when they are around I feel guilty like I shouldn't be thinking about them, but also happy that they are there
3. Talk to them a lot, think about them all the time & do this too much so that they become 'boring' or less interesting - This probably wouldn't work, but it could also make the crush go away by making it 'old news'

To add some context, the crush appeared soon after I accidentally/intentionally (in my drunken state) shared a personal secret with them. So it was confusing at first because I wondered whether it was just a friendship appearing because of a secret shared.

Does anyone have any advice? If not, this thread has still been a good venting tool xD

To be honest Matt, if the person you like is already in a long term relationship it is probably better if you steer clear. You don't want to get mixed up in a messy triangle, it will be more grief than what it is worth.

I promise you if you go about your daily life making an effort to socialize with friends and workmates after work and at weekends you will meet the perfect person you have been looking for when you least expect it. Ideally you want to be free when it happens so if I were you I wouldn't waste your time getting caught up in a love triangle that is going nowhere and will probably lead to you getting hurt. You're young Matt, there's no rush, just let things happen naturally.

As for a hobby, I found Martial Arts to be interesting and a great way to meet new people and make friends. There's something about contact sports and training with the people that participate in them that creates a lifelong bond. Team sports like Football and Rugby also has this, but solo sports like Tennis, Squash, Golf, Chess etc don't.

« Last edited by Sanzano on Jun 11th 2022 »

Dennis is spot-on here. This is a crush on a person already in a relationship. Perfectly normal, it's happened to me dozens of times. But definitely not a position where you would want to make a move. It'll only end in hurt feelings. In my own life I've noticed this kind of thing happens to me when I'm feeling especially lonely. I'll have a friend that's a girl and talk to her casually and then eventually catch feelings and agonize over it like you are now. What I've come to realize is that I'm not actually "in love" with these girls - what I'm doing is building up a romanticized, idealized version of this girl in my head, a persona I can imagine being with, living with, loving, if I only had the courage or whatever to make a move. This is not true. Don't let yourself dwell on what "could be" with this woman who is in a committed relationship and hasn't shown concrete signs of liking you romantically. Don't mistake her being friendly with reciprocating feelings - it'll just make you agonize over it further.

Crushes like this are perfectly normal, especially if you're young and inexperienced. But in this case I would definitely try and do a little reflecting and see if pursuing these feelings makes sense. I would recommend just letting it lie - dive into other hobbies, keep yourself busy, don't let your mind drift to her - and in a short time these feelings will fade and you'll realize it was just infatuation.

Besides all that, I really do not recommend dating people within your workplace. Can get messy.

You're very young. Dennis is right - if you go out and get a little more casual experience and socializing under your belt I think you'll find these types of feelings will eventually feel a little silly.

As for hobbies, I don't have a ton of advice. If you want them to be social, casual sports leagues are good. To be honest, it is kind of hard to really make friends once you leave the school environment. I struggle with it myself. I've recently gotten into drawing maps and writing a bit. I still like video games. But I'm a little older and have my established, probably lifelong, friend group already.

Also, always good to see you around here (:

« Last edited by steelersrock01 on Jun 11th 2022 »

I have been doing social tennis roughly once a week with friends. Most of us are at the same (low) level which is good. That has been going well, but at a similar time that the crush appeared, tennis wasn't happening for a few weeks. It is back on now though.

I probably should've mentioned that I have zero intention of pursuing anything. The chance of them reciprocating would be almost zero even if they weren't in a long-term relationship. In that regards there was no issue. The issue is that even though I know nothing will happen, the feelings still don't go away.

Thanks for the advice guys.

Hope things work out for you Matt, more often they do, you just need to be patient and grab the opportunities when they present themselves. Trying to force something that is not there tends to lead to a disaster.

Tennis is a good sport, put yourself in a doubles league with a friend and offer to buy your opponents a drink in the clubhouse after the game. Talk about the game to break the ice and see where it leads. You never know, you might get invited to a party or another get together with people you have never met before. You just never know who's going to turn up, that to me was always the exciting part. I wouldn't recommend online dating agencies, the people that go on those do so for a laugh or for casual sex.

Yeah, just gonna reiterate what the other guys have already said. If they are in a relationship, definitely stay clear. If they become available, maybe try to pursue something. If you ultimately have a chance with them, I will caution about workspace romances. Could create a hostile environment if falls apart, and you don't want that ruining a job you like. But as on now, it sounds like you are doing what's best.

I've had a few things here or there, but I haven't found the one either. Clearly older than you, Matt, and I, too, have had the thought about not finding someone. Honestly, a lot like you in how I don't necessarily think I need to be with someone. But then again, mine has a lot to do with not settling. I'm plagued by my ways of a perfectionist, even though I know such a thing isn't possible in an imperfect world. Plus, my sisters have all settled, and that has put a sour taste in my mouth. And then you throw the other regular factors of trivial stuff.

As you know, Matt, I like to write in my spare time. Wish I was playing football, my first love, but it wasn't in the cards. Writing is a nice escape for me, but sometimes I can't turn my head off. I think all the time, and it can sometimes get in the way (especially when mix with, again, my perfectionist ways). Anyway, I would suggest finding a way to decompress and relax, something you enjoy doing.

We're always here for you. ;)

« Last edited by Warrior13 on Jun 12th 2022 »

Long story short, it is fading thankfully. It's not gone yet, but it is fading. A big reason was that I accidentally told them something at a work event when we were drunk, but they actually didn't remember it. And I think that was a big reason that the crush appeared in the first place. Now that that connection is gone, it had helped the rest of it fade.

See, crushes like that will always fade.

Yes, the only crushes that seem to last are the first ones you experience, those one's die hard. As soon as you meet someone and there is a mutual connection you'll forget about anyone else. The trick is to be single and not mixed up in a dead end relationship when it happens. Good luck Matt, let us know how you get on.

Matt77 said:

Long story short, it is fading thankfully. It's not gone yet, but it is fading. A big reason was that I accidentally told them something at a work event when we were drunk, but they actually didn't remember it. And I think that was a big reason that the crush appeared in the first place. Now that that connection is gone, it had helped the rest of it fade.

Turns out that the bolded sentence is actually not true after all. They did remember. And know it's coming back

Looks like you are in a difficult position Matt. If I were you I'd do my best to keep my distance and take it a day at a time. Hopefully in the meantime somebody else who is single enters your life and something develops from that which makes you forget about the one you currently have a crush on.

Sanzano said:

Looks like you are in a difficult position Matt. If I were you I'd do my best to keep my distance and take it a day at a time. Hopefully in the meantime somebody else who is single enters your life and something develops from that which makes you forget about the one you currently have a crush on.

Exactly this.

Hi everyone, I'm newbie here and thanks for sharing this such a unique and amazing post.

Matt77 said:

WARNING: Essay post incoming.

As you all know I have been away for a few months due to work + post-grad studies + other stuff. I was basically putting all of my energy between those 3 things, and that's why SuperCheats fell into the background.

This 'other stuff' refers to a lot of thoughts. A combination of:
- What is my long-term future?
- Will I ever be in a relationship/long-term relationship?
- Will I ever gain independence?
- I need more interesting hobbies in my life

Context:

During high school & university I never even considered dating. At the time I didn't need it, and didn't have a need to 'be with someone'. I was quite happy on my own, and it gave me more time to focus on study and hang out with friends. But when I started working full time, lots of the people at work had long-term relationships, and it got me thinking a lot about my future.

I am socially awkward when first meeting people. Pretty bad really. Once I know people I am generally fine, but it makes introductions hard. So to me dates with strangers, blind dating, or dating apps have little appeal to me. Then you combine it with the fact I am very self-conscious, even about small things which shouldn't be an issue at all.

The Issue:

Now the actual issue. Because in the past I hadn't considered relationships, this didn't tend to happen (only happened with one friend). But out of the blue I got a crush on someone at work. Logically it is pointless, since:
1. I don't want a relationship yet (just considering the idea)
2. They are in a long-term relationship
3. There is a 2% chance they will reciprocate, and probably a 25% chance they would actually like me

But I can't shake it off. So much about them is great in my eyes. Nice, funny, doesn't take things too seriously, & has a great smile. I am torn with what to do to make it fade away:
1. Try ignore/avoid them as much as possible and try not think about them at all - Is possibly the best option, but it also means not talking to the person and possibly making them uncomfortable too
2. Keep floating along, sometimes avoiding them, sometimes thinking about them a lot, and hoping that time will solve the problem - Is what I am doing at the moment, but it is not working yet. When they aren't around at work I feel sad, and when they are around I feel guilty like I shouldn't be thinking about them, but also happy that they are there
3. Talk to them a lot, think about them all the time & do this too much so that they become 'boring' or less interesting - This probably wouldn't work, but it could also make the crush go away by making it 'old news'

To add some context, the crush appeared soon after I accidentally/intentionally (in my drunken state) shared a personal secret with them. So it was confusing at first because I wondered whether it was just a friendship appearing because of a secret shared.

Does anyone have any advice? If not, this thread has still been a good venting tool xD

They're in a relationship. Stay away.

Now, that doesn't help your emotional state, I know. I totally get that warm blanket of infatuation. God, I miss it. I love my wife, but I do miss the feeling still.

Mmn... Did you ever watch Avatar: The Last Airbender? Remember when Iroh redirected lightning for Zuko? So. My friend. You need to redirect some inner lightning yourself.

I have the benefit of having also fallen hard for a fictional character (in addition to my wonderful irl wife), but they live inside my head, and I can do that. You can't do that with a real person. You need to redirect your lightning. You can't absorb it.

So. You gotta BAM it in the direction you wanna go next. And please, don't fight the emotion directly; just gently close the door to the feelings. Let what remains linger. But that door needs to stay closed. Enjoy the wonderful butterflies. It doesn't matter if you feel them for someone you can't have. Just adore them.

In the meantime, you need to softly, slowly, carefully carry on. Don't force anything, alright? You'll find yourself a wonderful one soon enough and reattach those butterflies in short order; I'm sure of it. Hug yourself inside and remind yourself you're totally worth it.

You got this. Key is calm... easy... slow. Traaaaaansition. Close the door and float along.

« Last edited by darkboarder_77 on Aug 27th 2023 »