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JOKES

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Avengein Posted: 15:23 Feb02 2006 Post ID: 652906
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On 31-Jan-2006 yossy666 said:ok, this isnt a joke, its a brainbuster...

if it takes 2 hrs to dig a hole, how long does it take to dig half a hole?
Hahaha lol, that old brain buster eh? lol

Its easy you cant dig half a hole because if you have dug that it already is a hole, so you cant dig half a hole!
What the hell am I doing here?
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screencheat2 Posted: 17:33 Feb02 2006 Post ID: 653079
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Here's a joke.

So one day, a guy walks into a bar. In it, there's the bartender and a drunken person. The drunken person goes to the window, opens it up, and jumps out. The man runs over to the window and watches as the guy crashes, and gets back up. The man waits as the drunked person comes back to the room and runs up to him. "Sir, how did you survive that fall? This is at least 50 feet." The drunken man turns to him and answers "You see, when you get drunk, your particles become light that it lets you fall as lightly as a feather." The man stands there, atonished. "Really? I'm going to go try that." He gets drunk, jumps out of the window, and dies. The bartender turns to the drunken person and says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."
FFN account with some stories. ._. People say they're pretty good, so check them out! Please? *puppy eyes*
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Warrior Lord Posted: 17:37 Feb02 2006 Post ID: 653083
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More Polish joke here.


There's 3 polish guys, they are planning to attack the Germany country. They all are suicide bombers. They all are at their 3 different postion. They have 30 pound of C-4 bomb strap up inside their coat. When it's time to attack. First polish guy shot himself before press the bomb button. Second Polish guy hang himself before press the bomb button. Third Polish guy jump off from 17th story building before press the bomb button. Only 3 dead...none injury.
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mac cell skip Posted: 19:35 Feb02 2006 Post ID: 653289
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Sorry I had to get rid of mine. I found it was against the rules(Which I really need to look at again)

Oh well here's my new 1 then.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your Butt!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
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yossy666 Posted: 04:36 Feb03 2006 Post ID: 653888
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riiiiight... not very funny mac...
i wanna live like james dean, i wanna die a superstar.
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yossy666 | Komodo | Aaden Foli | 02 Dissociative. | yossy666
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Titan_Omega Posted: 15:49 Feb03 2006 Post ID: 654766
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Hey, that's against the rules. We're not supposed to say anything sex oriented.
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mac cell skip Posted: 18:05 Feb03 2006 Post ID: 655025
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On 03-Feb-2006 Titan_Omega said:Hey, that's against the rules. We're not supposed to say anything sex oriented.
Oopse I edit it. Wait I looked and I didnt see anything in the rules about it. Oh well Ill just keep it Edited.
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screencheat2 Posted: 18:22 Feb03 2006 Post ID: 655083
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How about you guys tell some good jokes. I didn't understand mac's and warrior's, so how about you guys tell jokes that make sense?
FFN account with some stories. ._. People say they're pretty good, so check them out! Please? *puppy eyes*
"Instant failure, just add Michael!" - Dani
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mac cell skip Posted: 20:15 Feb03 2006 Post ID: 655370
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You dont get it! The dude keeps falling asleep because he thinks the sermans boring. So the wife tells the paster and he tells her what to do. So she pokes him when the paster has something to be answerd. So when she pokes him, then answer would be god,jesus or something else. Man I get it perfectly.
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simmaster Posted: 22:55 Feb03 2006 Post ID: 655678
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ive got a couple

youre so poor everytime someone rigns the doorbell, you have to go "ding dong!"

youre so dumb you tripped over a parked car
= = = = Master of Mario Kart Wii = = = =

RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!
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Warrior Lord Posted: 00:36 Feb05 2006 Post ID: 659593
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Why is there no black president of USA?
Because there's no black house.



Why does the Polish wife called the cops on her husband?
Because he brought the polish remover for her.



One cold, rainy night...the man need a place to stay for the night. He saw the church, he knocks on the church door. A nun answered the door. She let him stay for the night. He notice that there's so many hot nuns. He pick out one of them nuns. They slept together.
(I don't know how did he make one of them nuns sleep with him)
On the next morning he left. The priest found the used condom in the trash can. He calls for the meeting with all the nuns. He held up the condom and asked "Whose this condom belong to?" All nuns remain silent. Then the priest point to the condom and said "There's a hole on it." One nun screams.



Why does the blondie always fail the driver ed?
Because everytime she park the car, she jump to the backseat.


Why is a ford vehicle always on the road?
Because it is always Found On Road Dead.
^ ^ ^ ^
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tmcaz Posted: 00:47 Feb11 2006 Post ID: 672158
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Here's one-

Q) What's green and brown, and lies at the bottom of the toilet?

A) Kermit the BOG!

The Showstopper, The Heart Break Kid,
The Icon!
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wrestling god! Posted: 02:33 Feb11 2006 Post ID: 672666
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what??? lol um... yo mommas so fat that a bus hit her and she yelled who threw that rock?
ur mommas so poor i went to your house and said whats for dinner? she spreaded her legs and said Crab Surprise!
and i got ALOT more right here!
Yo momma's so fat,
she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac

Yo momma's so fat,
when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma's so fat,
the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale

Yo momma's so fat,
when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please

Yo momma's so fat,
when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock

Yo momma's so fat,
when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate

Yo momma's so fat,
at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"

Yo momma's so fat,
when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"

Yo momma's so fat,
she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Yo momma's so fat,
she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.

Yo momma's so fat,
Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo momma's so fat,
she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo mama so fat,
that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.


Yo momma's so fat,
I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips.

Yo mama' so fat,
she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!

Yo momma's so fat,
they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo momma's so fat,
she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.

Yo momma's so fat,
the horse on her Polo shirt is real.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.

Yo momma's so fat,
her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Yo momma's so fat,
all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma"

Yo momma's so fat,
when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo momma's so fat,
instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Yo momma's so fat,
when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo momma's so fat,
she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo momma's so fat,
she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo momma's so fat,
a picture of her fell off the wall!

Yo momma's so fat,
her picture takes two frames.

Yo momma's so fat,
her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.


lol how do ya like them?
join team awesome meeting! Also,join my friends team they are called team dark cloud,dark_blazikan, darkness echos clan,team foamy, and the team known as dragon kingdom! Those teams u can do watever u want in them! come to http://www.forumsvibe.com plz!
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GameHazard Posted: 04:38 Feb11 2006 Post ID: 673028
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#19,

Yo's momma's so fat,
When she hauls ***, she has to make two trips.

That is unappropriate.
I am not being funny.
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dan123456789 Posted: 09:11 Feb12 2006 Post ID: 676951
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airoplane fun
go into toiet and come out looking refreshed.

"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.

Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't".

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!".

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

Start a hot dog stand.

Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.

Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your underpants that morning.

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

Show off your Batman underwear.

Switch accents and see if anyone notices.

Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e".

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.

Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face.

Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.

Snort when you laugh.

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!".

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?".

Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!".

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.

Pretend you're flying the plane.

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.

Take over the plane with a toy gun.

Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).

To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.
Hey i used to be billie joe armstrong but that is not working anymore,so i made this one.As i always say im the son of rage and love,the jesus of suburbia!Join team solarbeam!
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mac cell skip Posted: 09:23 Feb12 2006 Post ID: 676973
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This is the dam joke. Its not the bad word its like the Beverdam.


There once was a man who was makeing something. One of the Ingredants was Dam water. The man thought that he could get some dam water from the dam man. So he goes to the dam man at the dam to get some dam water. The man asks if he can have some dam water from the dam man. The dam man said that he couldnt have any dam water. So the man said" Fine keep your dam water you dam man." and stormed away to his dam house. Later he was watching a dam show. The dam show made him had to go to the bathroom so dam bad. Later he gets back from the dam bathroom. He goes to cook his dam meal again. Yet again it required dam water. So he went to the dam man to get some dam water. The dam man says he cant have no dam water. So the man runs to his dam house. He sees that he needs dam chocolet. He thinks where he can get some dam Chocolet. He finds some but it belongs to the dam man. So the man tried to buy some dam water. The dam man says no. So the man says"Fine" and storms to his dam house.



I knever swore once.
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dan123456789 Posted: 09:33 Feb12 2006 Post ID: 677001
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An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"
Hey i used to be billie joe armstrong but that is not working anymore,so i made this one.As i always say im the son of rage and love,the jesus of suburbia!Join team solarbeam!
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mac cell skip Posted: 09:35 Feb12 2006 Post ID: 677010
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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
____________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's
Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
____________________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have fun with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"


Subject: Unlock Your Car


Another way to Unlock Your Car
I can't believe it, but this works -- who'd a thought it???

Have you locked the keys in the car?

If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are home,
call someone at home on your cell phone and ask them to get
your car keys.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the
other person at home press the unlock button on your keys while
holding it near the phone on their end.

Your car will unlock. It will save someone from having to drive your
keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles
away, and if you can reach someone who has the remote" for your
car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk this way!)
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dan123456789 Posted: 09:40 Feb12 2006 Post ID: 677019
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Hey i used to be billie joe armstrong but that is not working anymore,so i made this one.As i always say im the son of rage and love,the jesus of suburbia!Join team solarbeam!
Join my site http://www.forumsvibe.com/musicboard
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mac cell skip Posted: 20:12 Feb13 2006 Post ID: 680283
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Ok this is off topic but after wrestling god said those, I say " Your momas so fat" jokes to be banned from this. I mean it seems that there flamming peoples moms.
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