JOKES

Ok, here's some stupid Bar jokes

2 jews walk into a bar, 2 weeks later they own it!

2 guys walk into a bar, 1 says "Ouch"

A Neutron walks into a bar, and asks "How much for a drink?" the bartender looks at him and says "for you, no charge."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
(no offence women)

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

A mother was driving her son to school when they passed a horse farm. The little boy asks his mom.."mommy,how come that horse is on top of that other one?" The mother saw the two horses mating and stammered."The horse on the top has a hurt foot and the one on the bottom is helping it back to the barn" The little boy thought about it for a few seconds and said "Thats just like people, you try to help someone and you get screwed"

Yo momma so stupid, shethought a quarter back was a refund

[color=blue]This one is disgusting...do not look if you don't want to regurgitate...









Don't look!










Ok, fine. It's a little bit short, but gross anyways.
Two sperm are swimming in a female body. One sperm says, "When do we get to the ovaries?" The other one says, "I don't know, but we're past the tonsils."
XP

i got this on from my unkle in an email enjoi it

Subject: Obituary





Obituary:

The Sad Passing of Common Sense



Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has

been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his

birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.



He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing

when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life

isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.



Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more

than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are

in charge).



His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but

overbearing regulations were set in place.



Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a

classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and

a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his

condition.



Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job

they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children



It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent

to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but,

could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to

have an abortion.



Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became

contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better

treatment than their victims.



Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a

burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.



Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to

realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her

lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.



Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his

wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is

survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame,

and I'm A Victim.



Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.




ok its not so much a joke but it is good and i wanted to put this hear


and if eny on copys this without my permishon i will not be very pleased so do not copy it

neptis

You're mommas so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale.

not a very apropreit joke for this thread i would think

neptis

Who's wasn't appropriate?

What does the clown and micheal jackson have in common?

They have fake nose.
They runs the circus.
They use same amount of make up.
They do the juggles.
They also loves children.

tre but being a mj fan i cant like that coment

neptis

this is a fave of my friend. your so dumb you got stuck in a bathroom and wet your pants

ok...your mommas so fat when a bus hit her she yelled who threw that rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lol i got that 1 from my friend

your mommas so fat that the police paid her to be a speed bump

your mommas so fat dat when she done a poo tourist would say oh look its a mud bath

ur mommas so fat that when she needs to take a bath she needs to head down to her local swimming center

please dont be offened by these jokes

your mom is so fat that when she takes a shower her feet dont get wet

your mom is so fat that every time she turns around its her birthday

your mom is so fat she was baptised in sea world

your mom is so stupid she got ran over by a parked car


a blond walks into a shop and buys a packet of polos. she opens them, gets angry and asks for a refund, they guy in the shop says why, and she says "they have got a hole in the middle!!"

pretty good but I diden't get the 3rd one.

your mommas like a vaccum cleaner-- she sucks and she blows.

um i dont get that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have too many pinned topics, and this isn't extremely important... so i'll unpin it.