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tomsmiley18 Posted: 11:47 Jan18 2007 Post ID: 1302523
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This is my first FF. So this is going to be the first chapter of something I wrote recently. There´s not really any action here, it´s just to see if my writing style gets good comments. If you accept it, i´ll continue the story. If not, this will be my first and last FF.

Note: I just read the rules again and i've remebered to add that there will be violence and gore in this fic


Chapter 1: Intro

The whirling buzz of the rotating fan awoke Maas from his sleep on the hard uncomfortable matress. The digital alarm clock to his left grabbed his attention with its flashing digits. 08:25 AM, Mass knew he had to get up, but his energy and tiredness told him not too. He let his head sink into the plush pillow and began to doze. But he was not left in peace for the better pert of five minutes. A high pitched screeching noise from outside his window brought him back to the world of the awoken. It was the familiar sound of metal, scraping across another type of metal. A faulty monus train had just travelled past his apartment. One of its many wheels had probably jammed on the corner that bent around where Maas lived. Though annoyed, he rested his feet on the green carpeted floor and stood up`. Maas stretched his arms out to full length in weariness and yawned loudly. He had worked too late last night. Being a cleanser had never been easy, and the previous day was a perfect example of what made the job so difficult. His yawn was the interrupted by another repeat of the noise that had disrupted his slumber.
"There must be something on that track" was Maas' conclusion, but such things didn´t worry him. Today, he had a day off, so he wasn´t going to waste it preocupied over some noise a lowly engineer could repair. Reaching for a remote control a thought suddenly struck him. He might wind up having a busy day after all. There would be things to do. Maas sighed and picked up the remote from where he had left it before, and pushed a small button situated on the left hand side. His bed then automatically folded itself and was taken into an open hole in the wall that closed once the bed had dissapeared into storage. He walked quietly towards the fridge and studied the calendar with his dark green eyes. It was certain, today was going to be a busy day. Displeased, Maas pressed another button which made a rail full of clothes appear from a mechanical door in the wall on the other side of the room. He changed his clothes, from the white ainbow striped pijamas he was wearing to a pair of dark blue jeans and a black leather jacket, placed over plain black shirt. He left his hair in its uncombed state like every other day and sprayed all over himself, a small amount of deodarant. From on top of the fridge, Maas took his dark shaded sunglasses, and put them on. He then went to where his bed had been and found his Adike classic trainers sitting there. After placing his feet inside he knew that he just needed one more thing. Maas opened a horizontal door that was near the ceiling with the remote and climbed up with a small step ladder. The cupboard appeared to be empty, until he removed a long, jet black, sheathed katana from its interior. It was his pride and joy. The standard Dicer given out to all cleansers wasn´t good enough for him. He had a Demonitus after all. Which he loved like the son he had never had. Maas rubbed his hand along the smooth reflective sheathing and then lowered himself from the third step. He strapped the sword to his right side at the waist and made his way to the front door. A letter lay on the floor. Maas picked it up and read the instantly recognisable handwriting.
Happy 25th birthday Maas
Lots of love
Mum
He lowered the card and placed it on top of the nearest object he could find.
"Yeah, thanks mum" He thought. The steel mechanical door slided open to reveal the dingy, grafitti fille corridor that lead the path to the elevator at the end. Floor 279 it aid on the wall. Maas made his way to the lift and entered. His finger applied pressure to one of the buttons and ir started to move down towards the ground floor.


That´s chapter 1 over. Like I said, there wasn´t much action, but if your comments are good then I promise chapter 2 will have some action in it. And i you want I won´t make it as long as this chapter.

Thanks for reading

« Last edited by tomsmiley18 on May 14th 2007 »
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Seos san Nekros Posted: 12:21 Jan18 2007 Post ID: 1302561
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This really isn't too bad. For a first attempt, I'm actually somewhat impressed. It could be a tad bit short, but I think it's fine.

"grafitti fille corridor that lead the path"

Filled, perhaps? Very very minor typo, nothing to worry about.

Now it does seem like you rushed to finish it and just stopped where you were; has a somewhat abrupt ending. But I don't think that's a big deal when it comes to introductions. You've caught a hint of interest from me, I'll look forward to seeing any more you may choose to write.
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Pandaemonium Posted: 13:29 Jan18 2007 Post ID: 1302639
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"The whirling buzz of the rotating fan awoke Maas"
"08:25 AM, Mass knew he had to get up"

Autocorrect, 1. Tom, 0.

Apart from a few typos, pretty well written.
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tomsmiley18 Posted: 13:41 Jan18 2007 Post ID: 1302657
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Thanks for those comments
I do seem to make quite a few typo errors sometimes

And a hint of interest was more than I hoped for
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TestVirus101 Posted: 18:12 Jan19 2007 Post ID: 1305358
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It didn't really go anywhere as a chapter... although I have a strange suspicion that katana will be useful later on.
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tomsmiley18 Posted: 07:05 Jan20 2007 Post ID: 1306206
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This is the new Hellhunt chapter now. There is some action in it this time and most of the typos errors are gone. So enjoy.

Chapter 2: A horrifying discovery

The lowering elevator quickly reached its destination, and as it slowed down to a stop Maas took a step towards the doors and grabbes onto a railing. The lift slammed forcefully into the ground sending Maas into the wall on the opposite side of where he was standing. Human comfort had obviously not come to mind when the elevator had been made. Recovering from the shock he always recieved when visiting the ground floor, Maas opened the heavy door and stepped out onto platform five. Before him lay the entire city of Ublask. One of the most important industrial capitals of the world. The city was formed of fourty three towers and seven plaforms. Each and every one of the fourty three structures were cilinder shaped and contained homes, factories, shops, servise depots etc. And each platform formed a type of floor that linked all of the towers together. One platform would normally have a radius of around three miles, and every tower would be constructed to go straight through the platforms. Origanaly, when the city was smaller, twenty seven years ago, there was only one platform. Below it from the natural ground to the base floor was the city maintenence and sewer system. The towers that started on the first platform only reached the small amount of three hundred floors in height. So Ublask could almost have been considered a village. That was all until Oscurus came from the far away capital of Ballarg and discovered that Ublask had the potential to make him a multi-billionaire. What Oscurus found in the earth below the now bustling city ad revolutionized the world. Living energy had been traced to a small spot in the centre of the maintenence pipelines. Though experiments were conducted , research came up with nothing about its origin or age. All that was proved was that with proper treatment, the energy could be used to save millions of lives. When a human body faced death and the soul left its pyshical form, Os cure bio technological energy (OCBTE) could be injected into the blood stream. The cells inside the energy would then manifest themselves in the corpse and revive the treated human or animal. But it would only work if the person had been recently deceased and had all te necessary organs to continue living intact. OBCTE became a huge success. And Oscurus industries began to suck the seemingly endless energy supply from the pipe it had been discovered in. The product wouldn't stop selling and Oscurus quickly used his growing economic power to expand the city and and extract more energy from wherever it was coming from. As Ublask grew, more people immigrated there, looking for jobs or shares in the industry. And as the population increased more platforms were made for the higher towers. The city grew so large in a short while Oscurus paid for the development of th Monus trains out of his own pocket. These trains were perfectly safe and were silent if they were working properly. One train could take anyone to any location in a matter of minutes, and it was absolutely free. Suspended Monus lines now ran everywhere, weaving through the towers, and passing through the platforms at high speeds. Twenty seven years, and Ublask had grown from a small town into the giant city that stood in front of Maas' eyes. The sun had risen about half an hour ago, and from the exterior, Ublask looked like a steel and crome metropolis. But inside most buildings, like Maas' apartment, it seemed the saying was true: "You can never judge a book by its cover"
Maas took a small device out of his jacket pocket and looked at the numbered panel. He punched in the code 767, and within twenty seconds a monus train arrived completely empty and ready to take him to wherever he felt like going. Maas stepped inside the freshly cleaned smelling interior and looked towards a monitor at the front of the carriage. A womans face appeared on the screen and kindly began to greet Maas.
"Good day to you. Today is the 17th of April, 2079. YYou have just boarded Oscurus industries Monus train code number 76942. Which sector and platform would you like to be transported to?" The whole city was divided into sectors, each one was basically a tower. Maas lived in sector 13, room 58,984, on the 279th floor of platform five.
"Sector 37" Answered Maas "platform 3"
"Very well then. The journey will take a matter of minutes, please use the seats we have provided and fasten your seatbelt." Maas sat don and clicked the saftey belt into place. He then outstretched his arm and pressed a green button on the side of a pole at the centre of the immaculate white carriage. The monus trai shot off at high velocity. A speedometer had appeared where the womans face had been and was rising to aroung 600 mph. Maas stared out of the reinforced windows and watched as towers and other trains flashed past him. But before he could work out the route he had been taking he had arrived. Both doors silently slid open and as his feet came to rest on platform three, the womans voice said goodbye. Almost immediatly after leaving the train it sped off to take another passenger to their destination. Maas entered sector thirty seven and heade for the lift. His mum lived in this tower. It was much cleaner than his own and he knew the elevator wouldn't harm him in any way. Maas had been born and raised in this place, until the day he had turned sixteen and his life changed tp follow the path he was now on. That day, he had chosen to undertake cleanser training, and until he reached twenty years old life had been tough. At that age the cleansing squad had accepted him into their ranks and he had slowly worked his way up the positions. Maas waited patiently for the elevator to arrive at the ground floor. The familiar noise to let him know it was there was like music to his ears. Though it was only a few minutes away from his own house. He hadn't visited his mother in seven years. Today he had decided and see his mum because it was the first free day he had been given in a long time. The top authorities had told him and everyone else that an investigation was being conducted and that their services would not be required. Maas turned to face the entrance to the elevatorand pushed the button o take him o floor 188. As it began to rise upwards once again the built in radio turned on and began to play a track that it seemed all the kids were listening too. Twenty years ago the amount of people listening to rock and metal had shot through the roof, causing enormous quantitys of average people to rise up against the dictators of the times. Many began to ignore laws and did as they will. Suicides and murders along with all other crimes were at an all time high. Things stayed that way until violent and explicit music was taken off the air and forbidden. All of this lasted fifteen years and was given the name of: The dark era. What played on the radio now was the DYH song. (The defend your honour song). It had been written to try and teach children human valors. Maas flicked the switch and turned it off. He enjoyed music from the dark era, and had managed to find some pirated copies of some songs on holo-disk. The way he obtained them was by searching the internet, before it was banned though. The elevator doors opened and Maas left the steel compartment. His mums apartment was at the end of the hallway. As he made his way towards her door he noticed something strange. The door was ajar. Paranoid, Maas arrested his hand on the hilt of his Demonicus and ran to the room. Sticking his head through the door Maas attempted what the problem was, but he saw nothing. He didn’t hear anything either. Maas entered cautiously with his katana drawn from its sheathing. Something heavy hit the ground in a nearby room. The noise had come from the kitchen. As fast as he could, Mass ran through to where the sound had been emitted and prepared for whatever was waiting for him.
“No!” Screamed Maas, in his powerful deep voice. His mothers corpse lay spread across the dining table. But she was hardly recognisable, her face had been deformed and twisted backwards. One eye had been gouged out of its socket and flesh had been ripped from her face. Her clothes were torn and fountains of blood leaked from each tear. It seemed that before dying, Maas’ poor mother had been tortured. A tear fell from Maas’ eye, and as it splashed into a million particles he felt his emotions overpower him. Maas felt an incredible sadness, but his rage far surpassed anything else he felt. For stood over his mother was a horned impish creature with long, razor sharp claws. It’s skin appeared to be an extremely dark purple and its face was only lit up by its flashing red eyes. The emotion of delight the creature felt was unmistakable. It was obviously deeply satisfied. The demon looked at Maas and pointed,
“You shall be my next victim.” Maas took a fighting stance with his katana held out in front of him and ushered the words:
“There is no way a foul creature such as yourself can pay for what you have done” Maas’ voice intensified “But I assure you, you won’t leave this room alive.” The demon glared into his furious eyes and quickly lunged at Maas. Flinging itself across the room with its claws outstretched, he rolled under the table and emerged the other side. Maas had become a professional in his experience as a cleanser, and the monster had its back turned. In one swift action he threw the Demonicus at the beings neck and watched it as it sliced through the veins and flesh of the creature that had taken his mothers life. As the ugly head tumbled to the ground, a horrible dark green substance sprayed uncontrollably from the beast. But before its body could hit the floor, it evaporated into many tiny particles that were drawn quickly out of the open window. Maas walked slowly towards his mother and collapsed on a chair whilst staring at here. From his breast pocket he drew a small transmitter device and entered a frecuency. Five seconds later the machine buzzed and Maas began to stutter into the speaker.
“This… this is cleanser 49… I’ve just had to face a type 14 in sector 37, floor 188.” A voice answered back
“What’s the matter Maas? Something wrong?” He wiped his now red eyes and breathed heavily.
“There’s been a casualty, make sure you bring some medics along.”
“A casualty? They never bothered you before, what’s different this time?” Maa clasped his head in his hands and sobbed before speaking once again to the fellow cleanser.
“The type 14, it… it’s killed… it’s killed my mother”


Chapter 2 over. I know it could be considered a tiny bit long, but I had a lot to fit in

Remember the comment people
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kokiri_kid Posted: 14:53 Jan20 2007 Post ID: 1307595
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"What Oscurus found in the earth below the now bustling city ad revolutionized the world"

I'm guessing you meant had. There were a few typos, but otherwise I loved it. I can't wait for chapter 3.
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tomsmiley18 Posted: 01:58 Jan21 2007 Post ID: 1309004
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I did try and make sure there were no typos. But looks like I failed again
It's nice to see you loved it, but chapter 3 might take a while.
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Seos san Nekros Posted: 09:42 Jan21 2007 Post ID: 1309658
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Pretty good, storyline wise. But as for format, I really have to mention something.

It may be wise to break your larger paragraphs into smaller ones. It doesn't necessarily change the quality, it just makes it a lot easier to read. As a general rule, I'd rather read 8 small paragraphs than one gigantic one. Just easier on the eyes.

But other than that, looks pretty good. Keep it up.
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Sotek Posted: 13:06 Jan21 2007 Post ID: 1310476
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Yeah, good story, but I have to agree with seos about the paragraphs. As for the length, it's fine. Keep up the good work, and I might even keep reading!

Seeing as I now have three short stories posted, I figure I may as well put all of them in my bio, so go there for links to "The Lab", "Daemon" and "Afterlife". Additionally, you should read my fic, The Crystals of Narlkant
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SUPERMAN5 Posted: 20:23 Jan22 2007 Post ID: 1313482
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yeah, keep up the good work!
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tomsmiley18 Posted: 15:11 Jan23 2007 Post ID: 1314159
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Here's chapter 3 for everyone who's enjoying my fic.

Chapter 3: Vygrey

The cleansing squad and medics ran into room 188, only to find Maas huddled over what appeared to be a blood stained corpse. A larger man stepped out of the crowd of arrivers and rested his hand on his sobbing companions shoulder.
"It's gonna be alright man, at least you got the scum that did this." Maas turned his head around to face the one trying to comfort him.
"That still doesn't change what happened... one death does not cancel out another" The man's hardened face softened and a deep sadness overcame him.
"I feel for you, really. And i hate to say this but there are more important things going down all across the city" Maas' sorrow turned to anger after hearing those words. He rose to his feet and stood to face the man, even though he only reached up to his chest.
"How can you say that Vygrey? Of all people, you should know how i feel."

Vygrey was an extremely tall man, with a dark skin colour and fierce black eyes. He was in his early thirtys (thirty four to be exact) and he was a fellow cleanser with Maas, but of higher rank. He had become a fully pledged cleanser at the minimum age of eighteen. During his sixteen years exterminating demonic threats throughout Ublask, he had rised rapidly to second in command of the squad. Vygrey had chosen to become a cleanser at only ten years old, for when he was only seven, three type nine demons destroyed his family and home. Due to his size, and pure hatred towards all the monstruous entitys that ever existed, he was perfect for the job. A year after becoming a cleanser Vygrey had slowly tortured two of the type nines that had killed his parents and baby sister. Seeing as the beings could not be harmed emotionally, he had inflicted the most pain he could upon each of them. Type nines were long snake like creatures which grew to around seven metres. Their body's were navy blue and each one had fifteen spiked tentacles hidden on both sides of their bodys. The fangs that were housed in the being's mouth were huge, aproximatly eleven inches in length. Though they contained no venom a bite could remove a human ligament with ease. Vygrey had learnt this the hard way. The first type nine had suffered greatly. With pure strength he had ripped all thirty tentacles from it's body, and stabbed it in the eyes with it's own teeth. Vygrey then used his Dicer katana to slowly disect fragments of it's body from the tail upwards, until it was only a metre long. He had delivered the final blow to the soft, vulnerable brain half an hour later. It had been given time to suffer. After finding and removing the tentacles of the second type nine, he went for the teeth. But before removing even one the demon had shut it's jaw and seperated Vygrey's left arm from his shoulder. Out of oure rage, he had managed to chop the beast's head off whilst the left side of his torso viciously sprayed blood everywhere. The medical response had been sharp. Vygrey had managed not to lose to much blood, but his left arm was gone forever. Four years later,all that changed. Technology had found a way to replace his arm with a fully eficient mechanical limb. The potential of Vygrey's new arm was incredible, it's strength? Uncomparable!. Soon afterwards, Vygrey found himself trading in his Dicer for a fully personalised, and extremely heavy, spiked mace. The chain used was short so that he could maintain control over it. And a blow from a full swing could completely shatter human bones easily, not to mention bludgeon any demonic creatures. After proving himself in many, many situations. Vygrey was finally given the day off. Whilst sitting on the sofa watching the news on the holo-vision, he recieved a transmission from a long time partner and friend, Maas. Telling him that he had lost his mother to a demon. After hearing these words, Vygrey had immediatly requested medical and cleanser assistance. As fast as he could, he made his way to room 188, only to find his best friend crying on the kitchen table.

"Yeah, I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. But my family was killed the year OCBTE was discovered. There was no bringing them back. Your mum might still have a chance." Maas suddenly looked hopeful, but tears still fell from his eyes onto the floor.
"Even if we do save her though. Look at her head, she'd be blind and deformed. She'd never be able to show her face again." Vygrey smiled and began to console Maas.
"Look at my arm. That was fixed fifteen years ago. So I'm sure they'll be able to give Sandria her eyes and her face back, and you won't even be able to tell the difference." Vygrey felt strongly for Maas. Over the years the two had become like brothers, protecting each other from any dangers they may face, and comforting one another through the tough times.
"Do you really think so?" Asked Maas. He had never trusted OCBTE. But it looked like it was his only resort in this situation.
"Yeah, why not?" Smiled Vygrey. Then, at that moment, he remembered something. "Maas, I'm sorry. Your mum will be in good hands. But, you can't go with her to the medical sector." Maas looked at him, puzzled by his words. Suddenly, his voice found power and determination.
"And why not? I have every right to do whatever I please right now. I could stay at home or go with her if I wanted to. What's stopping me?" Vygrey shrugged and answered his question.
"Well, we've been called back on duty. I found out on my way over here." Maas looked at his mother lying across the table. Two medics were carrying a stretcher over to her. One grapped below her arms and the other lifted the legs. Once she was safely placed onto the stretcher she was carried through the hallway and into the elevator. Before descending one of the medics stuck his head out and began to speak.
"Will there be anyone travelling with us? You will both fit in the medi-monus train." Vygrey looked at Maas and sighed.
"What do you think we should do?" Maas walked to the entranceof room 188 and leaned against the doorframe on one arm. After making his decision he turned around to face his friend.
"I can't just leave her to go patrolling around, I'm the only person she's got. I must go!" Maas left the room and swiftly spun around to speak again. "Are you coming then? Or do you want to just patrol around looking for creatures?" Vygrey paced slowly towards Maas and spoke.
"I said it was up to you. If you go, I go." Maas smiled and rested his hand on Vygrey's shoulder, as he was now only a foot away.
"Thank you, I appreciate it." They both entered the elevator with the medics and began to travel down to the ground floor of platform 3.
"For a retired woman, that house was alright. She must of had quite a bit of cash hidden some place. Any idea how she got it?" Inquired Vygrey. The answer to the question involved Maas revealing some of his past, something he never spoke of. But in his emotionally fragil state he began to explain the whole story to his best friend. Though they had been companions for quite some time, Maas had never told any stories of his past before becoming a cleanser to Vygrey.

"Ayear before I was born, twenty six years ago, my mother supposedly met an inteligent man. This man was a scientist, and had been conducting important research at the time. The business he had founded not long before was also on the grow. According to my mother, he and her were extremely happy together. And as the man made more currency their lives began to improve. Their relationship became deeper. More or less a year after meeting one another, the man's business boomed, and his economical well fare soared. Four months later, my mother discovered she was pregnant. She was going to have a baby boy. Though richer than they could possiblt imagine, the man couldn't let a child get in the way of his work, and demanded that it be aborted. My mother couldn't accept this, and told him that she would not get rid of the baby. The man's judgement had become clouded by his lust for power, and so he left my mother during the night. But he wasn't all that bad. In her account he left her a large sum of money. After that, my mother told me that she never saw him in person again. Then I was born. Up to this point, I can't tell you anymore." Vygrey and the two medics had been listening atentively. But Vygrey still had more questions.
"Do you even know who this guy is?" He was a very curious person. "I mean, surely your mum told you his name, no?" Maas stared at the ground and booted the side of the elevator softly.
"I never bothered asking... what she didn't tell me i assumed was none of my business."
The lift reached the end of it's descence and the doors opened. Only seconds after stepping out into the dark, many monus trains sped past them.
"What's happening?" Asked Maas, looking confused.
"I told you" Vygrey answered. "We've been called back on duty, our guys are everywhere"
"But, but why?"
"I'll explain in the hospital, let's get there first." Was his answer. Vygrey obviously knew something that Maas didn't


That was Chapter 3 people, hope you liked it.
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SUPERMAN5 Posted: 15:23 Jan23 2007 Post ID: 1314194
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very nice so far!
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Seos san Nekros Posted: 19:16 Jan23 2007 Post ID: 1314918
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Pretty good, for the most part. Still a couple of massively large paragraphs, but it's definately an improvement. Keep it up.
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tomsmiley18 Posted: 01:33 Jan24 2007 Post ID: 1315260
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Three chapters and not a single bad comment.
Nice to see you're all enjoying it.
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Sotek Posted: 08:40 Jan24 2007 Post ID: 1315512
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I kept reading! Yeah, you've managed to get into the feel of the story, so it's flowing together. It's good, and I look forward to the next chapter.

Seeing as I now have three short stories posted, I figure I may as well put all of them in my bio, so go there for links to "The Lab", "Daemon" and "Afterlife". Additionally, you should read my fic, The Crystals of Narlkant
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tomsmiley18 Posted: 03:24 Jan25 2007 Post ID: 1316984
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Thanks, but when you say that the story is flowing together, do you mean that I have succeeded in creating an element of mystery on the subject of the Demon's origins and sudden appearence? Or do you mean something completely different?
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Sotek Posted: 08:43 Jan25 2007 Post ID: 1317324
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It means that I can follow the story, but you're also not just stating the facts. It's a good thing.

Seeing as I now have three short stories posted, I figure I may as well put all of them in my bio, so go there for links to "The Lab", "Daemon" and "Afterlife". Additionally, you should read my fic, The Crystals of Narlkant
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tomsmiley18 Posted: 10:21 Jan25 2007 Post ID: 1317414
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Okay then.
For those that are stilll reading, the next chapter will be here within the next few days. Seeing as I've already written it up in my fic book.
Tomsmiley18 is now dead.

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SUPERMAN5 Posted: 15:15 Jan26 2007 Post ID: 1320028
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Allright, take your time, I know it'll be worth it.
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