factor_x55 Posted: 02:47 Dec20 2008
Post ID: 2503015
factor_x55
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Okay, so I have to write a piece for my Creative Writing class. I chose to do a poem, even though I've never been particularly good at them. I was wanting some opinions on this.
The end?
No, a new beginning.
The start of something great
Something better.
Our love,
The remains of a forest
Once mighty and tall
Ravaged by wicked flames
Tearing it apart.
The barren landscape
Scarred and torn.
What could become of this
This empty and depressing land?
But up sprouts something new
Something wonderful
More mighty than before.
With hope revived
Our love is stronger
Now larger than life
Yeah, that's it. Comments greatly appreciated =]
The end?
No, a new beginning.
The start of something great
Something better.
Our love,
The remains of a forest
Once mighty and tall
Ravaged by wicked flames
Tearing it apart.
The barren landscape
Scarred and torn.
What could become of this
This empty and depressing land?
But up sprouts something new
Something wonderful
More mighty than before.
With hope revived
Our love is stronger
Now larger than life
Yeah, that's it. Comments greatly appreciated =]
TestVirus101 Posted: 06:27 Dec20 2008
Post ID: 2503027
TestVirus101
Ah crap he's finally dead
Posts: 15,110
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Moved to FF/RP.
I think it's an interesting metaphor, sure. I've never been a big poetry buff myself but I couldn't help reading it seeing as it wasn't going to eat away at my time or anything. I liked it, sorry if I can't be more constructive. Although perhaps maybe you could extend it? It does seem a little "fake" - don't really ask me to explain that... what I mean is that unless there's a word limit, it does come off a little cliche. Love rising from the ashes? All well and good I suppose, but it'd work much better if you went deeper.
I think it's an interesting metaphor, sure. I've never been a big poetry buff myself but I couldn't help reading it seeing as it wasn't going to eat away at my time or anything. I liked it, sorry if I can't be more constructive. Although perhaps maybe you could extend it? It does seem a little "fake" - don't really ask me to explain that... what I mean is that unless there's a word limit, it does come off a little cliche. Love rising from the ashes? All well and good I suppose, but it'd work much better if you went deeper.
factor_x55 Posted: 11:38 Dec20 2008
Post ID: 2503149
factor_x55
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Yeah, I was afraid it was a little too cliche. I know exactly what you mean by fake, so I'll definitely try to extend it. This is just the beginning of it. I have until January 5th to make it as good as I can, so plenty of time to work on it.
The whole idea behind this is that there was love before, something happened that broke it down, but now it's springing up again with even more passion, so I was thinking about adding a line in there that reads something along the lines of "I'll never let another day just pass us by again"
I was also wanting to add a line comparing "A love so pure" to "The first breath of newborn child", but the whole idea of the newborn child also seems cliche to me. Anybody have suggestions for what to compare "Pure love" to? Maybe something to the effect of "A love as pure and beautiful as the pristine mountain snow"?
Anyways, thanks for the comment, TV =]
The whole idea behind this is that there was love before, something happened that broke it down, but now it's springing up again with even more passion, so I was thinking about adding a line in there that reads something along the lines of "I'll never let another day just pass us by again"
I was also wanting to add a line comparing "A love so pure" to "The first breath of newborn child", but the whole idea of the newborn child also seems cliche to me. Anybody have suggestions for what to compare "Pure love" to? Maybe something to the effect of "A love as pure and beautiful as the pristine mountain snow"?
Anyways, thanks for the comment, TV =]
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