Joke thread

On 23-Aug-2006 skyline specialist said:

DISCLAMIER: THIS JOKE MIGHT CONTAIN EXCESSIVE VULGARITES AND SEXUAL REFERENCES and racial comments(admins please dont demodd and ban me because i have made a warning about it and i wrote a disclaimer........)

ok i will tell my joke now
joke 1: lampard told robben: who told you to **** with me? and robben replied: who wants to **** with you? and think about it, robben says: tonight lets book a hotel and we have a one night stand there. lampard replied : ok if you insist

joke 2:cech punched cudicini.cech says: you *******! who says you can take my no 1 shirt? huh?

joke 3: gallas punched ballack. gallas replied by saying: who says you can take my no 13 shirt? you mother ******?

joke 4:shevchenko called drogba names. he called drogba is a blackie and drogba said: thank you. noone has been calling me names since i left france.

joke no 5: during the transfer season,morinho said that he do not want crespo.crespo replied by saying, who wants to be in your team? you accursed son of a *****?

joke no 6: essien was a newcomer in chelsea for the 2005-2006 season. he was "tortured" by chelsea for racial chants. essien replied by saying: thank you. chelsea fans. i love it.

disclaimer: this is all just humors. so DO NOT take it seriously and do not take offense to it if you have read the disclaimer just now and
i will try to edit some of the words because it is too offensive........

o_O where they supposed to be funny

I got one...

Yo momma soooo fat...shes FAT!! Lol.

On 25-Aug-2006 Repner said:

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying b@stard told you I was speeding, too!"

That one rocks!!!
Ahh... lying police...

lol but not as funny as mine!!!

No "yo momma" jokes please, they are not jokes and rather used as insults then being funny.

On 06-Jan-2007 Aeshma said:

No "yo momma" jokes please, they are not jokes and rather used as insults then being funny.

Yea I havent laughed at one yet (not even funny) >_<

(if you havent got the bat joke yet the other bats smelt blod on him because he hit the tree he couldnt see)

(this is just part of a joke that was on my old joke thread) this guy walks up to a bartender and says i bet $50 i can pi$$ in that bottle behind you from this counter and not miss a single drop the bartender starts laffing and says o.k.the guy gets on the counter and starts pee'ing all over the bartender. the bartender laffs and says "ha you owe me 50 bucks" the guy says"thats o.k i just bet those three guys in there $500 that i could pi$$ all over you and you wouldnt get mad,but you would laff.

i got 1 its good the boy ask his girl friend can i go to ur house she said ok the boy said can i go to ur room she said ok he said can i go in bed with u she said ok he said can i put my finger in ur belly button she says ok she says hey thats not my belly button!and thts not my finger either said the boy the end

Famous last words: "You know, the closer it gets, the more it looks like a piano!"

OR

"Oi, Zidane! Your mum's a sl*g!"

NOTE: has strong language.

There were three friends called F**k, S**t and Manners. One day they were going for a walk. S**t tripped and Manners helped him up. F**k went around the corner and bumped in to a policeman, who asked for his name. "F**k." he said.
"Where are your manners?" the policeman said.
"Around the corner picking up S**t." he said.

A boy is in the car with his dad. While they're driving home, his dad gets caught on speed camera. "B*st*rds," he says.

"Daddy, what's a b*st*rd?" asks the boy.

"Uh... it's another word for policeman, son," his dad replies.

When they get home, his dad stubs his toe on the doorstep. "Sh*t," he says.

"Daddy, what does sh*t mean?" asks the boy.

"It's another word for a doormat, son," replies his dad.

The boy's dad goes upstairs, and the boy walks in to the kitchen, where's his mum's preparing a chicken for dinner. She cuts herself. "F*ck," she says.

"Mummy, what does f*ck mean?" asks the boy.

"Um... It's another word for cut," she replies.

The boy then goes upstairs and finds his dad shaving in the bathroom, who, as the boy walks in, cuts himself. "B*ll*cks," he says.

"Daddy, what does b*ll*cks mean?" asks the boy.

"It's another word for chin, son," his dad replies.

A policeman then knocks on the door. The boy answers it. This is what he says:

"Hello, b*st*rd. Please wipe your feet on the sh*t. Mummy's in the kitchen f*cking the chicken, and daddy's upstairs shaving his b*ll*cks."

Do the mods and super mods not care that these are months old topics? Well, might as well go with it, since I got a joke.
A man is drowning in the middle of the ocean, and a boat comes driving up. The driver asks, "Do you want us to save you?"
The drowning man replies, "No, I'm waiting for God to save me." So the boat drives off.
Then, some minutes later, another boat comes driving up. The driver asks him, "Do you want us to save you?"
The guy replies "No, I'm waiting for God to save me." So the boat drives off. The man drowns and goes up to heaven. He walks up to God and asks, "God, why didn't you save me?"
God looks down and says, "You moron. I sent two boats down to save you!"

Here is a good one!

Ok, There are three types of people in this world... Those who can count, and those who can't count, and I'm one of those people who can't count!

Also,

There were two cows. One named Fred, and one named Barney. Barney said to Fred: "MOO." and Fred said: "Thats just what I was going to say!"!!!

Don't you know this is the joke thread?

Shadow_Lord: Your joke wins.

4 men go to heaven and enter through the pearly gates. There they meet Albert Einstein.
Hello, he says to the first man, hows your IQ?, mines high, he replies... Einstein says: good, we shall talk long into the night about astrophysics
Hello he says to the second man, hows your IQ? i guess it ok says the man... no problem, we can talk about mathematical equations for a while
Hello, he says to the third man, How is your IQ? not too good, he answers... fine, you can tell me about your job back in your life on earth
Hello, he says to the fourth man, hows your IQ? errrrrr, badly. replies the fourth man
really? asks Einstein, what level of IQ are you?
below 75, he answers
ok, says Einstein, hows man utd doing this season then??


2.
An ugly women is walking down a spanish beach looking at all the other women, dreaming of being beautiful. Then she finds a lamp on the floor, when she rubs it clean a genie comes out
My name is ling-lu-lung, it says, i shall grant you 3 wishes
ok, she says, i wish my face was beautiful
granted... suddenly her face becomes perfect
great, i wish i wasnt as fat
granted... she suddenly loses lots of weight and becomes perfectly thin
she looks around, i still need something, she thinks. then she looks down, i know she shouts
i wish i had the two biggest tits in the whole wide world
granted, says the genie... and on either side of her, cristiano ronaldo and alan smith from man utd appear

How were they? I just pasted them from my post in the last joke topic that no-one saw

fine! you want a joke? here

There was an old lady living in a house, and a man selling vacume cleaners came to her house and asked her if she wanted to buy a vacume cleaner. She said no and slamed the door (she was a very angry type) but the man selling the vacume cleaner jamed the door open with his foot and poored a whole bucket of horse sh*t all over the floor in the ladys house. He then promised that the vacume cleaner would pick it all up and if it didn't, he would eat the rest. The old lady then said: "Well you better get eating coz we lost the f**king power this morning!!!!

hey its me again ive got mo jokes but just to say hi to all you idiots that didnt get my jokes!

-_- Don't bump topics. Especially not to spam. Could someone lock this, please?

Yes. Done it shall be!