Light years gone by[FF]

I'm not sure if this will be a series or not. But I finally managed to get this up.


This one is dedicated to Samantha, you have showed me that even a cynic person like me can fall in love with someone as stubborn as you and that this have worked out(i'm amazed).



Chapter 1

Alice turned around. She was in a great hallway which was dark. There was no sign of that anyone had ever been there before. A spirit started fading in and out. A spirit in the shape of a girl.
"Yuri?"Alice asked. The girl looked at Alice. The girl's deep green sorrow filled eyes looked back at Alice.
Then everything turned white.
Alice's head was on fire. It felt like it burned deep inside her mind. She slowly opened her eyes. It was just a dream... just a dream... Or was it? Alice didn't knew. In fact, she didn't want to know. She turned around and looked at the clock that was floating in the air- it was just a green screen showing numbers.
Nano-technology. Then again, everything was that way these days.
"5.40 AM?"Alice just stared at the clock for a while. What was she doing up so early?
She shook her head, then rose from her bed. She walked to take a good look in the mirror at herself.
"Oh dear god...I'm gonna need a good shower..." Alice found her blonde hair spreading out. She wore a pair of pyjamas which contrasted great to her slim body. Then, a big screen appeared on the wall. Alice looked around and found her friend's face, Sarah. She looked extremley tired.
"Wow, what's up Sarah? You look really beat..."
"Yeah, and you know what? You can blame the federation for that. No one's in the mood for partying. But that's pretty obvious, now that the Organization have been attacking Velas again. Such a shame! All the boys are like, as depressed as if they were going to a friend's funeral..."
"Well, can't blame them. Almost every one of their parents works for either the Organization and feels shame for their parents, or the Federation and just waits for their parents to come home safe and un-injured." Alice shook her head. Sarah gave in with her usual, cynic look.
"Well, at least you got a good time, Alice... You're an exchange student, right?"
"Well, not for too long now. I'm only gonna be on this planet for three more months, then i'm going back home again."
Sarah looked at Alice.
"I thought you were going to stay longer...?"
"Well, I said I would, but there were some troubles with the test papers, and everything, so I'm going back pretty much perfect around christmas time." Sarah smiled.
"Well, then we'll at least be able to celebrate Christmas together..."
"Do you know anything about the attack?" Alice interrupted.
"Well, I sneaked in my parent's documents and found, guess what?Absolutley nothing. I'd bet they know I sneak in their papers, otherwise there would have been something there..." Sarah sighed.
"Well, It's gonna be nice to come back home soon. I'll see you around, Sarah. Try to be calm!" she said with a smile, then the screen dissapeared.

IT WAS on the middle of the day and Alice sat in the sun on the beach. The beach was crammed with people as it always was on daytime. She was starting to feel very hot- the sun had made her skin burn. Alice slowly opened her eyes. When she rose from the chair and stood up, the ground started shaking.
"What the...?" Alice looked around. People looked confused. A great lighting beam shot out from the sky, hitting something close to the hotel. A great explosion could be heard somewhere. The ground shook once more.
"Whoa!" Alice tried to use her arm as support on the chair. Once more, the ground shook, but with much more power. Another beam of light shot out from the sky, hitting the hotel. People started screaming in panic.
"Everyone, this is an emergency call. We are currently under attack by the Organization. We need everyone to get to the nearest located escape pods and escape as quickly as you can. I repeat, this is an emergency call..." Alice looked around. A man grabbed her hand. His sunburned, brown skin contrasted great with his flat face which were filled with beard all over.
"Wait, what are you doing!?" she yelled.
"We need to escape, now!" the man said.
"I don't even know who you are!" she spat out.
"And you don't need to. Be greatful, because I saved you. It's my job." he said.He ran through the hotel door, then another lighting struck and nearly hit them. They ran through all the diffrent corridors, They crossed the hallway on the left and then went straight down. Twenty diffrent teleporters stood there on each side.
"Everyone, please go into the escape pods. While there, transport yourselves as quickly as you can to Remote Station 15. You will get further information there." Alice and the unknown man walked into one of the teleporters. They sat in two small chairs with control panels.
"Welcome to escape pod, model XPI 05." the computer voice spoke.
"Remote station 15...." the unknown man started typing on the keyboard that was floating in the air.
"3...2...1..." then every thing went white.

Alice woke up. She had a blinding headache. Where was she? Oh, right. At that ship. She looked out the windows.
"Wait... This isn't Remote Station 15.." it looked more than a forest than a space remote station.
"Hey, wake up!" the unknown man was sleeping. He opened his eyes slowly.
"Mmmm...What is it?" he asked.
"We got the wrong coordinates..." Alice pointed at the window.
"No we didn't!" he said.
"Yes we did...look through the window." the man looked through the window. It was a great, green forest. There didn't seem to be any living creatures around them- just Alice and the unknown man.
"Oh man... Where are we now?" the unknown man typed on the keyboard.
"Elissa XV. The planet is in the Olype solar system. The weather is extremley unvariated at this location where it goes to 18+ Celsius, however the eastern areas have somewhat colder weather." the man shook his head.
"Well, let's go, shall we? And you haven't told me your name yet, man. " she said.
"Oh, well... I'm Loran. Nice to meet you. And you are...?"
"Alice. Well, now that we both know eachother's names, we should focus on trying to find ourselves a way out.Since the engine is broken, there is no way that we will ever be able to return to where we used to live. We might get stuck on this planet forever. I don't know. But since this is an undeveloped planet, we probably already have broken the UP3." Alice said.
"Already did that, already done that." the man sighed.
"You did-what!?" Alice yelled.
"Well, the goverment have already forbidden me to go to two solarsystems because of an incident that happened two years ago." he said.
"Oh, geez... Now I'm with a law breaker."
"Well, nevermind. Let's just get out of here." the man said. Then they started running.

"Guess who it is!" Jose held his eyes closed. Or his eyes was closed because of a woman was standing behind him, having her hands on his eyes.
"Marissa?" the girl took away her hands. Jose could finally see clearly now. He was standing on a ship dock. He had longed to see Marissa. So much that he turned around and kissed her. Marissa's eyes were filled with surprise.For what seemed to be an eternity, they let go of each other. Some people where whisteling around them. Marissa blushed.
"Did you have to do that infront of everyone?" she asked.
"Don't feel ashamed. I love you Marissa. And, in fact, I have a little surprise going on for you."
Marissa hugged Jose. He loved the feeling of her long, brown hair.
I don't want this moment to dissapear, he thought.

« Last edited by SomeWhere on Jan 5th 2010 »

Okay, I've had a good read and there're a few points I want to make. First, the positives: Orbital Bombardment is always awesome. Also, the plot itself seems like it could be interesting, although you'll need to work on some parts so that it makes sense.

Things that confused me:

1. Who's Yuri? Minor point this one, but maybe there should be some kind of memory explaining who she is.

2. During the bombardment, Alice's hand is grabbed by a stranger. He then claims to have saved her, but at this point you haven't explained that they've left the beach.

3. And then they're in a totally different place. You should take more time over this part just to make sure what you've written makes sense.

4. Probably a typo or a plot point, this one. The announcer claims that everyone needs to get to station 15, and then immediately the guy sets coordinates for station 5.

5. After they teleport, "there didn't seem to be any wilderness around them-" did you mean wild animals or empty space? By definition, wilderness is any place away from civilisation, so it seems they've landed in the middle of it.

6. "The weather is extremley unvariated at this location where it goes to 18+ Celsius up to 30" That's actually quite a bit of variation. Less than normal, to be sure, but 18C is pleasantly warm, while 30C is too hot to stay out in for very long unless you?re used to it.

7. "But since this is an undeveloped planet, we might as well break the UP3 law." Don't know about you, but that sounded like innuendo to me. XD

8. The last section of the fic seemed unnecessary. It didn?t add anything to the rest of the story, and they weren?t characters we know about. Although I assume they?ll be important later. Perhaps you should tell us more about them, rather than just having them meet up.

Grammatical or spelling errors:

Alice didn't knew ? should be know

"5.40 AM?????"Alice ? NO NO NO. You never need more than one exclamation or question mark.

She walked to take a good look in the mirror on herself. ? Possibly ?She walked to take a good look in the mirror at herself.? Although that?s still a bit clunky.

She wore a pjyamas ? ?She wore a pair of pyjamas?

guess what?Absolutely nothing ? Should have a space between the ? and the next word.

A great lighting beam shot out from the sky, - A lighting beam huh? Not a lightning beam? Or a beam of light?

Another lighting beam ? Another one!

"3...2...1.." ? missed a dot

"We got the wrong coordinations." ? Pretty sure you mean coordinates.

it looked more rather than a forest than a space remote station. ? Eh? Read that again. Try ?It looked more like a forest than a space station?

weather is extremley unvariated ? ?weather is extremely unvaried?

where it goes to 18+ Celsius up to 30 - Try not to use numerals. It isn?t hard to type out eighteen or thirty.

And you haven't told me your name yet, man. " she said ? Should be a comma rather than a full stop after man.

Well, now that we both know each others names ? Should be other?s.

So I suggest you to be as careful as possible ? ?I suggest you be as careful as possible?

"Guess who it is!!" ? NO again, only one exclamation mark is needed.

Jose could finally see clear now. ? Try clearly.

Marissas eyes was filled with surprise ? Should be Marissa?s. Also were.

in fact, I have a little surprise going on to you ? ?I have a little surprise going on for you?

Anyway, that?s all I can see at the moment. You really need to work on these kinds of things, and seeing as Word picked out quite a lot of them, using that would be a good start. Also try leaving your work overnight and re-reading it in the morning. I guarantee that you?ll spot mistakes you missed while writing. Also, Currymonster has asked me to tell you to try writing while drunk. Not sure I buy it, but feel free to give it a try!

Ouch, was a little while since I wrote. I'm gonna fix a little bit. And for Yuri, You'll find out later in the story ;) and no way i'm writing when drunk. I really want to remember what I wrote when i wake up the next day xD

« Last edited by SomeWhere on Jan 5th 2010 »

Hey, that's much better! Still a little rough in places, but not bad at all. I look forwards to reading some more of this once it's posted. And as for not wanting to write while drunk, I'd agree. Seems like a silly thing to do, but each to his own.

Click on the spoiler to see my comments.

Spoiler:

« Last edited by Oginig on Jan 13th 2010 »

Thanks. I'm currently working on a new chapter. I'd have to say, killswitch Engage owns when I write my story. Fantastic inspiration :D its gonna be alot easier to write now when I have music on.

Chapter 2

"Hey, Alice, I think we're lost." Loran said. They had ran around in circles for hours.
"We've ran through this place just a couple of minutes ago." she said.
"Well, I don't know which direction we're heading!" Loran said.
"Then why the hell are we running around!?" Alice asked.
"I don't know! It was your decision!" Loran said.
"No it wasn?t!? Alice said. A boy appeared from a bush near the place they stood.
"E-Excuse me..." he stuttered. Alice jumped. Loran laughed.
"It's just a little boy..." then Alice laughed too.
"Who are you?" the boy asked. He had green eyes, brown, wild hair and wore brown, simple clothes.
"I'm Alice." Alice said.
"And this is Loran." Alice said and pointed at the man.
"I'm Skye." the boy said.
"Nice to meet you, Skye. So, is there a village around here, or something?" Alice asked.
"Well, I live in a town nearby. It's not a long walking distance... Where are you going anyway?" he asked.
"To tell the truth, we don't know. We're lost." Alice said.
"Lost ?Wow !So you come from a faraway place then!?" he asked.
"Yeah, you could say that. From a very faraway place." Alice said.
"Well, I can show you the way to the town!" Skye said. Alice and Loran smiled.
"Okay."
"Well, I'll race ya! Try to keep up!" Skye said.
"H-Hey! Wait a second!? Skye started laughing. Then the two of them followed him.


Jose and Marissa walked around a great monument. It was a grey weather, and the whole city had dark and grey houses.
"What a boring weather!" Marissa said as they walked. She held Jose's hand.
"Well, how have your vacation been?" Jose asked.
"Not good. The Organization and the Federation have ruined everything for me...", Marissa said without looking at Jose. Jose felt a cold breeze over his hair. He felt ashamed now. Everything that the Federation stood for have been ruined now. When the war was over, Jose would quit the federation and start a business.
"Well, you do remember my promise, do you?" Jose asked and looked at Marissa.
"Yes, I do. But I love you, even though you are in the Federation. See? Everyone in the federation isn?t bad, but the majority is.? Marissa said. Jose nodded.
And she can't believe how true her words are...


Alice and Loran had reached a huge city. The sun was going down now, a beautiful orange red color left from the sun was up at the sky.
"Well, we should look up a hotel. I'll see you, then." Alice said.
"Bye." Skye said. He bowed, then walked away. They entered a big hotel which had two floors. It had wooden interior.
"Wow! So classic! Wooden interior!" Alice said. It had been years since she had seen wooden interior. 10 years ago, that was. Now all the homes had aluminum and carbon fiber interior. A man sat and played piano.
Both of them noticed it as the moonlight sonata. A man came towards them. He had one teeth knocked out, he had white hair and wore a white shirt and black pants.
"Can I help you with anything??" he asked.
"Well, We'd like to order a room." Alice said.
"What room do you want? A cheaper one or a more expensive?" he asked.
"We want two rooms, both cheap." Alice said.
"Are you staying here for the night only?" the man asked.
"Yes." Alice said.
"That'd be about 500 FVC." the man said. Alice handed over the money to the man.
"Shall I show you your way to your rooms?" the man asked.
"Yes, please." Alice said and smiled. They walked up on the second floor. The sound of the piano that was played started to fade away. The man opened two doors, each on opposite sides.
"Have a nice staying." the man said and bowed. Then he walked down. Alice looked at Loran and smiled.
"Well, good night then." Alice said, then she went through the door and closed it.


Jose and Marissa sat near a fountain. They were all alone, except for some birds that was picking on the ground. It was dark now. Not a single cloud could be seen on the sky. Marissa had fallen asleep. Jose was holding her hand and looking up at the dark night sky. Suddenly, he saw a red light beam. Then the ground shook.
"What the...?" a huge ship appeared from the sky. Men started appearing from the ships, coming down with jet packs.
"Marissa!" Marissa opened her eyes.
"What is it Jose?" she asked. Suddenly, yellow light beams started shooting around them everywhere. Two groups were shooting at each other.
"Cover! Cover!" Jose took Marissa?s hand and jumped over. Marissa didn't have time. A yellow light beam hit her in the face, then she drew her last breathe. Jose screamed and started crying over Marissa's dead body as the cold air from the night sky filled his lungs, he screamed and cried untill everything went black.


All the shooting had stopped. Everything had ceased to exist. Jose was standing in a place where everything was white.
"Where am I?" he asked when he finally had a chance to look.
"You are in your own little place." the voice said.
"What exactly do you mean by that?" Jose asked.
"Marissa does not longer live." Jose gritted his teeth in fury.
"Who are you?" he yelled.
"We are the Alpha and Omega of death. We decide who should live and die. The time Marissa once had, that time had vanished a long time ago. She was living on borrowed time." another voice said. This voice was darker than the other voice.
"What do you mean by borrowed time?" Jose asked.
"I think we need to do some explanations here..." the lighter, female voice said.
"We are, as we already have said Alpha and Omega. You can call me Alpha, and my female partner Omega." the dark, male voice said.
"I decide who shall live. Omega decide who shall die, and everyone has a certain limit of time that he or she can live on. When the time has passed, we talk with the council if they are worthy to die or if they are worthy to live. However, there is another man..."
"So you're saying that you two control time?" Jose asked.
"We not only control. We can manipulate time too. Reverse it or speed it up. But we have to cost a very heavy price to do so. Some people have we taken back from a long time ago, and some people have the ability to see the future. These people, as you might know, they have gotten the gift from us but at a very heavy price too. If we have to pay, they have to pay. And you have been given a gift to. It has yet been shown, though."
"What about Marissa then? Did she have a gift? Can she been taken back from time?" Jose asked.
"Well, we could, but... She..." the man with the dark voice sighed.
"Well, she what!?" Jose yelled.
"She belongs to the middle." the man with the dark voice said.
"Middle?" Jose asked.
"The people who belong to the middle have, let's say, a reason for returning. They are the prophecies of people that have a fate. Of course, there are people without a fate too. Those belong to the random part. Marissa at first belonged to the random part. It took a long time for us before we realized how valuable she is for us." the female voice said.
"We can't tell you anymore. We're sorry. but when the time comes, we will." Jose closed his eyes with a sudden force that it almost hurt. He had been forced to close them.
"Return to where you once were..." the female voice said.
"You will meet us soon." A flashing light appeared, then he had returned to reality.


« Last edited by SomeWhere on Jan 11th 2010 »

Right, I'm not going to go through again and point out every single mistake, but by sticking it through the Word spellchecker I found nineteen spelling and grammer errors that were easily fixable with a single click.

I will, however point out a few things that I specifically noticed.

1. "Lost!?Wow!", "H-Hey!Wait a second!" : You need to make sure to put spaces after punctuation marks like these.
2. 10 years ago : In situations like this, type ten. It looks much more professional.
3. Marissa's death. She was shot in the face by a large laser beam, then screamed, then breathed her last. I would have thought that such an injury would be instantly fatal, due to the destruction of the brain or spinal column. Try to think whether what you're writing works in practice. This one is a bit of a nitpick, I'll admit.

There were others, but it's up to you to find them. Writing this in a Word document will prevent silly mistakes like "She drew her last breathe" and proofreading will help you to spot anything that the word processor missed. Things like she's instead of she'd; that's one I'm always doing. Anyway, keep at it, and don't be discouraged. And as for listning to music while writing, I'd say that's a pretty great source of inspiration!

yep. and i'll change those later today. I'm working on chapter 3 now, but I'll look it over when I got the time and fix it. And because of that I can't write at the dorm since I don't have a working computer, i have to sit at a internet/lan caf�. Those computers doesn't have microsoft word, and it would have been a hell lot of easier to write if I had that. But when I get back to school on monday I'll be sure to write properly with windows word again :D

Chapter 3 added and chapter 2 edited!

Chapter 3


Alice woke up the next day in the hotel around 9 AM. She went down with Loran to eat some breakfast. The delicious smell of eggs on the fryingpan filled the house and Alice did start to get hungry.
The sound of the piano could be heard today again, this time it was Air in C major.
"How was your night? Did you get any sleep?" Loran asked.
"Yeah, a little. I thought it would be a sleepless night after what we have gone through."
Alice looked around the bar. The bar was almost empty, the only living creatures up now in the bar was the waitress master. He had a white tuxedo and black pants. He had glasses and was almost hairless, except for the little mustache he had that was white.
"How was your night?" he asked.
"Really great!" Alice said.
"Good. We had some trouble with some guests last night, and we thought you might have heard them. They were loud and noisy. But they left, though. They seemed to have some kind of business with you." the man said.
"Do you know him?" he asked.
"No, I'm sorry." Alice said.
"Oh, great goodness..." he said. He held his hand over his stomach, to show his relief.
?They were weird looking, they were. Black coats, and you couldn?t see their faces too.?
?What do they want from you anyway?? Loran asked. Alice shook her head as to say ?I don?t know.?


It was as if time itself had frozen. Jose stood in the middle of the gunfight. The two groups didn?t stop shooting each other, even though a girl just had died from their shooting. Red light beams were shot from left and right. Tears still ran down Jose?s face. Then a huge lighting struck the sky. The ground started to shake.
?We need to get out of here now! This place will collapse in any second!? one of the men in the group started running in the opposite direction, and then Jose felt something on his shoulder. A man in a black soldier uniform
Grabbed Jose and started running towards the enemy group. The enemy group ignored him and kept shooting at the group in the opposite direction.
Another light struck the sky. A huge mother ship appeared of nowhere.
?What are you doing!?? Jose yelled.
?We need to get you out of this are as fast as possible. This whole place will be absorbed by the dark energy that the mother ship absorbs from black holes. This place is going to hell.? The soldier took a turn in a corner and ran towards the ship docks.
?Wait, we can?t just leave! I need to save Marissa!? he yelled. The soldier took Jose?s hand harder this time, then ran as fast as he could. The gates to the ship docks were near to close. They had just enough time to get their heads through before the gates closed with a shutter and leaved a small trace of gas behind them. They ran to the nearest ship, a small escape pod that had the capacity just enough to fit two people.
The soldier and Jose jumped into the escape pod.
?All right, tell us the closest location from here.? The soldier said.
?Elissa XV is the closest planet in this solar system and is classified as a UP3 planet. The civilization on this planet is on the 15th century according to Earth?s historical scientific line.? The computer voice said.
?Fine.? The soldier started knocking on the keyboard.
?WAIT A SECOND! You can?t just violate the UP3 law! Isn?t there any other alternative!?? Jose already knew the answer he was about to get. The soldier turned around and smiled.
?No.? he said.
? 3?2?1?? then everything went white.


Alice and Loran walked outside later that day after the breakfast. It was sunny, and not a cloud on the sky as far as they could see.
?We should gather some information around here. The head waiter said that dinner will be served around 3 PM, so we should be back by then.? Alice said. Then they both went separate ways.
Alice was walking around in the city. She saw the boy Skye again.
?Hi, you?re Skye, right? Thanks for showing us the way to the city.? Alice bowed.
?No need to. I?m just doing what I?m used to do.? Skye smiled.
?So??
?This city is called Avenaie and is the fourth largest city in the five regions surrounding this city. We?re currently in war with one of the regions in east, Elavsa. The regions of Elvasa have started war with all the other regions.? Skye said.
?Wow. Isn?t it hard for you to live in a city where soldiers come and go?? Alice asked.
?Not really. I?m used to that too. My brother told me that I had to be brave, even through the hardest times.? Skye said.
?Told you? Where is he now?? Alice asked.
?Dead, died in the Agulis conflict.? Skye shook his head.
?He walked out with a sword instead of one of the Macahla weapons.?
?Macahla? What is that?? Alice asked.
?A type of energy we get from ores. There is green Macahla, red Macahla, white Macahla, blue Macahla and dark Macahla. I think they exist in other colors too. The Macahla used in weapons we have is the dark Macahla. You can also mix Macahla, that?s what the science guys do at the laboratory. They try to mix different Macahlas to get a super weapon.? Skye said.
Alice looked at Skye. It must?ve been though.
They returned to the hotel around 2.45 PM. Loran already stood there and waited for them.
?Have you gotten any information?? Alice asked.
?Not really. Just that there was a region that had started a world war.? Loran said.
?Skye told me that too.?
?Hi Skye!? Loran said.
?Hi!? Skye said back.
?I?ve told my mother that works for the Macahla laboratory special unit secret weapon?s research. She wants to see you both apparently.?
Alice and Loran both looked at each other. Then they shook their heads.

Jose and the Soldier walked out of the escape pod. It was mid-day. The weather was warm and the air was hard to breath in, as if it contained more carbon dioxide than oxygen.
?Well, we?re here?? Jose sighed.
?You haven?t really told me your name yet, have you?? Jose asked.
The soldier looked at him, then smiled this time.
?I?m Michael.? The soldier said.
?Nice to meet you. Well, do you know which direction we have to head?? the Soldier asked.
?According to this computer, the closest city is Avenaie in the north eastern are of the woods.? Michael said.
?Okay. Running or walking?? Jose asked. He was exhausted right now.
?Walking. We both need to save energy. We don?t know how long the distance is either, so better safe and sound.? Michael said. Jose nodded.
?Well, you?re right about that.? Jose said.

Click on the spoiler to see my comments.

Spoiler:

« Last edited by Oginig on Jan 13th 2010 »

I know it might be wierd, but the pieces will all fit(as far as I've planned so far). Just keep reading and I've slowed down the 4th chapter a bit, and this will be the longest chapter so far.

Oh, it's not too weird to have seemingly unconnected characters. I've read plenty of excellent books that do it. I just pointed it out because I wanted to make sure you plan on connecting them at some point. :P All's well.

Now i'll post chapter 4!!! Everything have fallen to pieces so far. I hope you'll like it. I find myself this chapter quite scary.


Chapter 4

Alice, Loran and Skye reached a huge building. Its enormous doors had a symbol carved over it. The symbol was a golden lion with a spear. The door itself was made out of gold. Or, at least, something similar to gold Alice thought.
Skye touched the big golden gate. An orange shaped circle and three triangles crossed each other in the orange circle. The door opened. Skye, Alice and Loran walked through. They walked in a huge hallway. The roof must have been 50 feet up. The floor on the hallway was cold. A huge crystal crown was hanging on the top.
Skye smiled at them-he had walked through this hallway many times. This was their first time, and they looked stunned.
?Wow, this place is huge!? Alice said. She couldn?t help it. She had never seen a building this big. When they walked through the huge hallway, they saw the symbols on the walls again. The big golden lion holding a spear shining on the walls
Alice, Alice, 12 feet tall, wait untill you see it all
What did that come from? Alice shook her head. Somehow, it reminded her of something she had heard from her childhood. Maybe a d�j� vu? Alice shook her head. Get a grip of yourself?
?We?re here.? Skye said. Alice looked around.
?We are where?? she asked. She realized it now. They were standing in another room now. A huge wheel was standing in a corner, possibly driven by Machala? Alice looked around. There were professors standing everywhere with white robes. A woman with long, blonde hair that went down to her waist came walking to them.
?Ah! Are you Alice and Loran?? the woman asked.
?Yes we are. Who are you?? Alice asked.
?I?m Lily; I work for the Macahla laboratory special unit secret weapon?s research.?
?So this is your mother?? Alice asked. Skye looked at Alice and smiled.
?So, let?s get down to business then, shall we? We need you for a operation. Would you please wait here for a little while? I have some business to finish right now. It won?t take long.? Lily said.
?Okay.? Alice said.


The night before Alice and Loran talked to Skye?s mother, Jose and Michael finally reached a city?

Jose and Michael was breathing heavily now. They had walked, but it felt as if they had been running. It was nearing nightfall now.
They found a hotel to rest in. They heard the sound of a piano playing and the delicious smell of fried garlic. Someone was cooking.
?Hello, can I do anything for you?? the head waitress approached them.
?Yes, a separate room for two people.? Loran said.
?That?d be 500 FVC.? The head waitress said.
?Okay.? He said and handed over the money. The head waitress showed them up to their rooms.
That night, Jose cried in his sleep. Michael sat quietly in his room with a cigarette in his mouth and listened in a corner. He finally fell asleep in a dreamless state.


Later that day, Alice and Loran talked to Skye?s mother, Jose and Michael walked into the great building with the lion?s signet on the top. The door was still open. Skye had forgotten to close it.
?Wow! This place is huge? Jose said as they walked through the great hallway.
Alice, Alice, 12 feet tall, wait untill you see it all?
What was that about?



Lily had returned. Loran punched Alice on her ribs to make her wake up.
?Whaddya want?? she asked. She couldn?t open her eyes. Or at least, she thought she couldn?t. Lily smiled at Alice.
?You didn?t sleep very good last night, did you?? Lily asked.
?Yes I did? It?s just that I?m a sleepy person in general. In school, I used to fall asleep when we had to read something loud.? Alice blushed. Loran laughed.
?Hey, what?s so funny with that?? Alice asked.
?No, It?s just that you?re like my mother.? Loran said. Alice looked at Lora for a moment-maybe for minutes. Then she looked back at Lily again.
?We?d like you to assist in our research. We need??
?Intruders! We have intruders!? a guard yelled. Lily sighed.
?Skye, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN TO CLOSE THAT DAMNED DOOR AGAIN!?? she yelled.
?WELL, EXCUSE ME, PRINCESS! BUT WHEN YOU ENTER THE BUILDING ONCE A MONTH, YOU DON?T REALLY THINK ABOUT CLOSING IT THAT OFTEN!? Skye yelled.
?Oh, shut up!? Lily yelled. Skye looked as if he was ready to protest, but he shut his mouth. A man with black leather pants and a black leather shirt came into the room, following a man with brown spiky hair. He wore shabby clothes and looked like a bum.
The guard held them both hard in their necks.
?LEMME GO!LEMME GO!? ?The bum? said.
Alice, Alice, 12 feet tall, wait untill you see it all!
The monkey ate the monuments, so proud and tall,
Look at it?s great beauty, walking over the MALL!
Alice shook her head. Lily just laughed.
?You can let them g-go now!? she coughed between the laughter attacks. Alice and Loran both looked at each other, as for saying ?What?s the matter with her??.
The guard released them, and ?The bum? fell down on the floor.
?Ouch!? he spat. He rose from the floor and massaged his back with one hand and drew his other across his brown, spiky hair.
?I?m Jose.? ?The bum? said.
?I?m Michael. I?m so sorry, I hope we didn?t disturb you in something very important, we might as well leave now?? but just as Michael was about to turn around when two guards in black armor blocked their paths.
?Oh no, you?re not going anywhere, unless you want to get cut over your things.? Lily said. The blue color she had on her iris had vanished; now the color on the iris was white, just like the white around the eye outside the iris. Then the color returned.
?Sit down please.? Jose and Michael sat down on two chairs next to Alice and Loran.
?Now, you have two choices, as I said. Getting cut over every possible body part or cooperating with these two.? Lily pointed at both Alice and Loran. Now, Alice was freaked out. Sweat starting running down her forehead. Her heart beat became faster and faster.
?What I want you two to do are quite easy. We have newly discovered Machala mines in the north western areas of the region. We want you four people do explore the caverns.? Lily said. Alice fell down from her chair. She breathed heavily and sweat was running down her forehead. Her chest went up and down and the color on her eyes had faded away. She was in a dream state. Everything around her was black. Two eyes appeared. They were both green.
?LET ME OUT! LET ME ******* OUT! LET ME OUT, OR I?LL CUT YOUR FACE UNTILL YOU CAN?T SEE!? the voice yelled.
?LET ME OUT! RELEASE ME!? it continued. Then she returned to reality.


« Last edited by SomeWhere on Jan 19th 2010 »

Chapter 5 added! I hope you like it(yes, i did this in almost one sitting).

Chapter 5


Alice woke up. She couldn?t open her eyes. All she heard was the voices around her.
?Thank god, she?s okay.? She could hear Loran?s soft voice.
?What happened to her?? someone asked.
?I think she?s gone to a state the psychologists call ?hyper reality ?. It?s a state where you are somewhere near dream and reality. Let?s call it an LSD trip without putting any chemicals in your body.? Another voice said. Alice could finally open her eyes. She yawned.
?Where am I?? she asked. Another personality still figured in her brain. It was waiting to come out. She could hear a distant scream. Was it from her brain? She didn?t really want to know now.
?You?re back. That?s what you are. And it was some scary seizure you had there.? ?The bum? Jose looked down at her. She knew he was worried. It was just that he didn?t want to express it with words.
?What?s the matter?? she asked.
?My mother had the same seizures when I was young. I could swear I saw a little of her in you. It was just like your seizure; the color of the eyes became white, cold sweat running down and temperature changes falling up and down rapidly.? He said.
?Oh? What happened to her?? Alice asked.
?She took her life, Couldn?t stand living with all the seizures and the personality changes.?
Alice looked at Lily.
?You have the same thing, don?t you?? Everyone became quiet. Something told her that Lily had another psychological problem- the way she had yelled at Jose and Michael and then turned back
Alice, Alice, 12 feet tall?
The voice was small, but it was still a voice. And it drew her insane.


That night, Alice had a nightmare again, about her parents this time. They had argued (like they always did, and they didn?t give a damn about her when they did). She couldn?t remember what it was about. But the small voice (yet again) told her that it was about a divorce. She remembered that she had found her own father dead that morning when she came down into the basement. He had shot himself. His left eye was lying in a corner; blood was running down his left side on the head. The gun was lying on a table. It was still warm. It hadn?t been such a long time ago then. She remembered how she had cried when she had dragged her father?s body down and dumped him in the old well. She remembered back then; the voice was still there back then. It was just that she had forgotten that it did.
Alice woke up with sweat running down on her forehead. She sat up and cried.


Alice walked downstairs for an early breakfast. She woke up from the usual voice from the piano and the delicious smell of eggs on the frying pan.
She was really hungry now but she had no idea on how she was going to eat now about what she had dreamed that night. The head waitress came to her.
?Did you sleep well?? he asked.
?No. Where are the others? Are they still asleep??
?Yes. I don?t think they will wake up untill 9 AM at the best.? He said.
Alice ate up her breakfast (which was out of eggs and bacon) in rapid speed. The head waitress looked at her and laughed.
?I don?t think I?ve ever seen a girl eat that fast and that much!? he said.
?Will you look at that, Tom!?? he yelled to the man that was playing the piano.
?Look at what?? he yelled back.
?Oh, forget about it!? The head waitress yelled and turned to Alice.
?Don?t care about him. He?s another of those old fashioned cynical professors. His motto is that if they drag you down to hell, follow them no matter what.? Alice laughed.
?What?s so funny?? Tom yelled.
?Did Mark tell you another bull **** story about me again?? he asked.
?N-No?? Alice stuttered. Now Tom laughed.
?Don?t worry about it.?
Alice, Alice, 12 feet tall, wait untill you see it all?
How could she not worry about it?

Loran, Jose and Michael came downstairs very late. Jose looked at Alice and laughed.
?What?s so funny?? she asked.
?You?re going to have wear cement blocks under those eyes to keep them up, dear.? He said. Now all the others laughed too. Alice muttered a curse to them. They started their journey to the cavern by heading to the desert.
They had walked for about 10 miles when they sat down to rest.
?It must be nearing mid-day now.? Michael said. Loran and Jose was breathing heavily and sweat was running down their foreheads. Alice was also tired, but not in the same way as them; her breathing wasn?t heavy but her sight started to become unclear. Their legs throbbed and they were near to faint from all the walking, with Alice as the exception.
?How much longer do you think it is to Albonheim harbor?? Alice asked.
?Maybe 3 hours more walking, I don?t know? The sun will probably be down around 7 PM.? Michael said.
?How the hell do you know all this?? Loran asked as he massaged his legs.
The taste of salt was the only thing he had in the mouth for the moment. He was beginning to dry up.
?Do we have any water?? he managed to get out. Michael took out a big water filled bottle from his pocket and threw it to Loran. He drank two gulps of the cold water. He knew they needed to save on it. When he was done, he threw the bottle back to Michael.
?Should we continue?? Michael asked after a huge silent moment. The wind blew and only gave out small noises. The hair rose from Alice?s neck (as if she had ANY there!). There was something frightening about it.
They started walking again this time, but much slower.


They finally reached the port after around 4 hours of walking. The sun was burning on their necks and their legs were throbbing once again.
?I?ll never wander a desert again under my lifetime!? Alice managed to say.
The second personality she had inside of her head was yelling again.
?Let me out!? she could still hear the distant scream.
The city was filled with people (not so weird, it was a harbor after all).
The sun was starting to go down.
?Want to find an inn to sleep at for the night?? Michael asked. The other three nodded. They had been walking around for another 30 minutes untill they had finally found one. It had mahogany wood on the walls and the furniture was made out of black leather.
The sound of the piano wasn?t played anymore. The only thing that made some kind of noise in the room was the water running down the pipes.
A shabby man with almost no teeth walked to them.
?Do you want a room?? he asked.
?Yes please. Four people, separate. How much will it be?? Michael asked.
?50 FVC.? The shabby man said. He smiled his toothless, usual smile.
Alice, Loran, Michael and Jose walked up. That night, both Alice and Jose cried in their sleep. All Michael and Loran could do was to sit quietly in each of their corners and listen.


?The end!? the last sentence in Alice?s mind quietly said? Whatever that could mean. Alice laughed and sat up. She was still crying.
But she was unaware of it.
Alice, Alice, 12 feet tall?
What did it mean?
?WHAT THE **** DOES IT MEAN!?? Alice yelled. She threw away the pillow on the other side of the room. Nothing happened to it.
Alice, Alice, 12 feet tall?
Then Alice fell asleep. She didn?t dream at all.

Jose woke up. It was like a sudden alarm clock had awoken him, but of course, there weren?t any alarm clocks around here.
Jose, you Goddamn thing, come together now?
Jose shook his head. He sat up for a while and listened to the birds outside. Then he went up and decided to put on some clothes.


Alice woke up again around 9 AM. She could see those eyes floating in the air and could hear the desperate cry of a woman.
?LET ME OUT!? it was echoing inside of her head. She was going mad.


Alice and the others went out later that day. Now it was mid-day.
Alice could still hear that small voice clinging onto every meter on her brain.
Alice, Alice, 12 feet tall?
Alice shook her head. She had to get herself together if she wanted to continue this trip to the cavern. Jose looked at her.
?Are you ok?? he asked. For a while, Alice didn?t really get what he said.
?Oh, uum?Yeah, I just don?t really feel like myself today.? Alice said.
The town was still crammed with people at this time of the day. People were shouting at each other, laughing and pretending that nothing was wrong.
They were blindfolded by the happiness that surrounded them. They didn?t know what walked around them. A woman that had another personality that could let loose any minute and go berserk at anyone, a personality that was dangerous because she didn?t knew how to handle it. What was the name of her other personality? She had forgotten it but still had it in her mind.
Now she remembered. Her name was Yuri. Yuri with the green eyes,
Yuri with everything, Yuri with? Ah, forget it, she thought.
They had reached the boat docks. Alice opened her eyes. Had she walked like this the whole time?
?ALICE, FOR ****?S SAKE WAKE UP!? a voice yelled. Alice jumped.
?You?re freaking me out now! You know that?? Jose yelled.
?WELL, I?M SO SORRY, BUT I HAPPENED TO NOT BE MYSELF TODAY, IF YOU REMEMBERED. AND I?VE GOT MY OWN ******* PROBLEMS TO THINK OF. AND YOU SHOULD BE GOD DAMN LUCKY YOU DIDN?T GET CUT!? Alice yelled.
People looked at her. Now she had done it. Then everything went black like as if someone had dragged down the curtains. Then everything turned to normal. But it wasn?t Alice?s voice. This time, it was the strangers voice. Yuri's voice.
?LET ME OUT, YOU **** EATING BASTARDS!!!!!?


« Last edited by SomeWhere on Jan 19th 2010 »

Hmmm, interesting! I really am enjoying the plot of this fic, SomeWhere. It?s moving in an intriguing direction, and I really don?t know what exactly is going on. It?s got some uniqueness to it. Yuri adds a fascinating aspect to the story. I have some speculation about her, but I?m going to keep it to myself for the moment, because I really don?t have enough to go on yet to make any serious guesses. But suffice it to say, I am thinking, and I am intrigued.

As for the writing, you?re still getting better, and there?s still a lot of room for improvement. As I?ve said a dozen times, just keep working at it, because you are making progress. You?re including more description, and you?re doing better at developing your characters, as well. I truly do look forward to seeing where this goes.

As for the nitpicking, typos, and corrections, click on the spoiler for a complete list.

Spoiler:

All right, I'll change this. I usually don't notice small stuff untill I read them through like, 10 times or so. I'll change this when I get time ;)