MenaceSG Posted: 13:06 Feb12 2010
Post ID: 2801674
MenaceSG
Posts: 1,562
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I know this is Bioshock, but I had a really sweet idea for it and thoguht it might make a good story. Let me know what you guys think. Please post comments and "constructive" criticism.
Chapter 1: Recollections
"1959 must not repeat itself. The history of this city is forever tarnished by the memory of this year. Tonight is New Years Eve, and tonight, I sit here alone for the first time in a week. I sent them to the sphere in the Sub Station. They must have time to make it to the surface before the jackal Ryan can kill them. He's already sent his puppets after them, but I dealt with them. So I sit here, waiting for my end to come. The city that was to be the revolution of an era has become my grave. All the inhabitants run through the corridors screaming to the walls. The echoes travelling off the walls is enough to make the blood freeze. They're a lost people, and this is a lost city. I'm going to down this Jack Daniel's before I inject my final EVE hypo into my body. Rapture, is ending. But life must be reborn here; it must carry on once more".
The figue in the dark let the audio recording device drop away to the floor. It would be left there in the hopes that someone one day would find it. He brought a small, square bottle to his lips and emptied it, the dark liquid vanishing into his mouth. Having swallowed it, he threw the bottle against the wall and picked up the EVE hypo sitting next to him. This was his final grace; there was no hope beyond this small vial of blue liquid. He nervously looked up to the door which was barred shut by various obstacles. It was being forced open by the beings outside which had come to claim there captive. As they pushed against the door, slowly forcing it open, the man stuck the needle into his left wrist and drained it of it's contents. If he was going down, he wasn't going down without a fight.
The door burst open and several large, metallic suits appeared in the doorway. On their shoulders were little girls, with long syringes. They had detected the ADAM flowing through him, and the trail had finally led them to his resting place.
"Daddy" one of the little girls whispered to the giant creature, "He's going to be an angel soon".
The Big Daddys, three of them in total, set down their little girls and looked upon their victim. He was calm, resulting possibly from the liquor which had quieted his nerves. Or perhaps it was the hope that the two he had sent to the surface had finally made it. Whatever it was, he looked into the masks of the Big Daddys and whispered,
"Take me then"
The glowing yellow lights in their masks turned red as they charged upon him with their fury. Lightning flew into his palm as he yelled for the entire city to hear,
"Take me then!"
One week ago...
Gerain Raosus [geh-rain row-shush] slipped his hand into his pocket to gather some change for the newspaper. The change was elusive as he stood there for several moments scrounging around in his pocket.
"Just fifty cents sir" the paper boy replied, impatience clearly seen in his face.
"Aye lad, just a moment" Gerain quietly responded as he managed to pull out the contents of his pocket.
A couple of quarters were well hidden amongst the pile of his other "treasures". He slipped two of them to the boy whom in turn handed him a copy of the Rapture Times. The paper boy returned to his route as he shouted out the headlines of the paper.
"New leader emerges to head rebels!" "Ryan to seek new ways to develop ADAM!"
Roasus was quite sick of the neverending feud between Frank Fontaine and Andrew Ryan. For all he cared, let someone else run the city and have them both thrown in prison for their troublemaking. After all, it was the scientists whom had discovered the wonders of ADAM, not Ryan. But the people treated him like he was their king, or even something more. It should be left to the people to decide what should become of Ryan and Fontaine.
Roasus headed to the elevator which took him to the Upper Story Apartments. The panoramic view of the entire city and the ocean still took Roasus's breath away. Rapture was paradise, even if they did have some flawed people.
The elevator stopped on the twenty third floor and he entered the narrow hallway, his eyes coming to rest on the second door on the left. He walked up to it and slid his key into the lock above the knob. A small clicking noise was heard as he opened up the door into his apartment. It was comfortable, with a foyer to greet him each time he came in. The glistening, golden tiles on the floor shone brilliantly in the light. Walking through the foyer, one would come to the living room, a large room with several couches and tables. The wall behind it was of pure glass which offered a full view of the city. At night, this was the most enjoyable feature of the place. Heading to the right of the living room was the small hallway which led to the master bedroom and the bathroom. To the left of the living room was the kitchen and the dining room. All in all, a bachelor's dream place to live.
Roasus threw the paper on the kitchen counter and crashed on the sofa in the living room. His mind soon wandered and his breathing became heavy. The article on the front page of the paper, now lying folded on the counter, was one not to be overlooked. It began with these words:
"Atlas, the new leader of the rebellion, has vowed that in seven days, Rapture will be a changed city..."
It's long I know, but I wanted to get some different points across. If there is anything which you think needs work, let me know and I will redo it. I will also consider the possibility of posting chapter 2 if you guys think it's good enough. I request that Oginig would post his feedback especially. I await your judgment good sir
« Last edited by MenaceSG on Feb 12th 2010 »
Chapter 1: Recollections
"1959 must not repeat itself. The history of this city is forever tarnished by the memory of this year. Tonight is New Years Eve, and tonight, I sit here alone for the first time in a week. I sent them to the sphere in the Sub Station. They must have time to make it to the surface before the jackal Ryan can kill them. He's already sent his puppets after them, but I dealt with them. So I sit here, waiting for my end to come. The city that was to be the revolution of an era has become my grave. All the inhabitants run through the corridors screaming to the walls. The echoes travelling off the walls is enough to make the blood freeze. They're a lost people, and this is a lost city. I'm going to down this Jack Daniel's before I inject my final EVE hypo into my body. Rapture, is ending. But life must be reborn here; it must carry on once more".
The figue in the dark let the audio recording device drop away to the floor. It would be left there in the hopes that someone one day would find it. He brought a small, square bottle to his lips and emptied it, the dark liquid vanishing into his mouth. Having swallowed it, he threw the bottle against the wall and picked up the EVE hypo sitting next to him. This was his final grace; there was no hope beyond this small vial of blue liquid. He nervously looked up to the door which was barred shut by various obstacles. It was being forced open by the beings outside which had come to claim there captive. As they pushed against the door, slowly forcing it open, the man stuck the needle into his left wrist and drained it of it's contents. If he was going down, he wasn't going down without a fight.
The door burst open and several large, metallic suits appeared in the doorway. On their shoulders were little girls, with long syringes. They had detected the ADAM flowing through him, and the trail had finally led them to his resting place.
"Daddy" one of the little girls whispered to the giant creature, "He's going to be an angel soon".
The Big Daddys, three of them in total, set down their little girls and looked upon their victim. He was calm, resulting possibly from the liquor which had quieted his nerves. Or perhaps it was the hope that the two he had sent to the surface had finally made it. Whatever it was, he looked into the masks of the Big Daddys and whispered,
"Take me then"
The glowing yellow lights in their masks turned red as they charged upon him with their fury. Lightning flew into his palm as he yelled for the entire city to hear,
"Take me then!"
One week ago...
Gerain Raosus [geh-rain row-shush] slipped his hand into his pocket to gather some change for the newspaper. The change was elusive as he stood there for several moments scrounging around in his pocket.
"Just fifty cents sir" the paper boy replied, impatience clearly seen in his face.
"Aye lad, just a moment" Gerain quietly responded as he managed to pull out the contents of his pocket.
A couple of quarters were well hidden amongst the pile of his other "treasures". He slipped two of them to the boy whom in turn handed him a copy of the Rapture Times. The paper boy returned to his route as he shouted out the headlines of the paper.
"New leader emerges to head rebels!" "Ryan to seek new ways to develop ADAM!"
Roasus was quite sick of the neverending feud between Frank Fontaine and Andrew Ryan. For all he cared, let someone else run the city and have them both thrown in prison for their troublemaking. After all, it was the scientists whom had discovered the wonders of ADAM, not Ryan. But the people treated him like he was their king, or even something more. It should be left to the people to decide what should become of Ryan and Fontaine.
Roasus headed to the elevator which took him to the Upper Story Apartments. The panoramic view of the entire city and the ocean still took Roasus's breath away. Rapture was paradise, even if they did have some flawed people.
The elevator stopped on the twenty third floor and he entered the narrow hallway, his eyes coming to rest on the second door on the left. He walked up to it and slid his key into the lock above the knob. A small clicking noise was heard as he opened up the door into his apartment. It was comfortable, with a foyer to greet him each time he came in. The glistening, golden tiles on the floor shone brilliantly in the light. Walking through the foyer, one would come to the living room, a large room with several couches and tables. The wall behind it was of pure glass which offered a full view of the city. At night, this was the most enjoyable feature of the place. Heading to the right of the living room was the small hallway which led to the master bedroom and the bathroom. To the left of the living room was the kitchen and the dining room. All in all, a bachelor's dream place to live.
Roasus threw the paper on the kitchen counter and crashed on the sofa in the living room. His mind soon wandered and his breathing became heavy. The article on the front page of the paper, now lying folded on the counter, was one not to be overlooked. It began with these words:
"Atlas, the new leader of the rebellion, has vowed that in seven days, Rapture will be a changed city..."
It's long I know, but I wanted to get some different points across. If there is anything which you think needs work, let me know and I will redo it. I will also consider the possibility of posting chapter 2 if you guys think it's good enough. I request that Oginig would post his feedback especially. I await your judgment good sir
« Last edited by MenaceSG on Feb 12th 2010 »
"I gotcha baby girl.."
GoldenPili Posted: 22:06 Feb13 2010
Post ID: 2802369
GoldenPili
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A truly awesome chapter so far 
I had to do a little research on Bioshock to find out what the EVE, ADAM and the enemies were, but once I found all that out, the story clicked together quite niceless.
Kudos to you, Menace! I cant wait to see more.
When the coroner cuts me open, I want the whole room to smell like potato wedges. - Gabriel Iglasias
Cheer's to Craizen for the awesome sig and avy.
I had to do a little research on Bioshock to find out what the EVE, ADAM and the enemies were, but once I found all that out, the story clicked together quite niceless.
Kudos to you, Menace! I cant wait to see more.
When the coroner cuts me open, I want the whole room to smell like potato wedges. - Gabriel Iglasias
Cheer's to Craizen for the awesome sig and avy.
MenaceSG Posted: 23:27 Feb13 2010
Post ID: 2802381
MenaceSG
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Post Likes: 3
Thank you. I really appreciate it. Hopefully it was good enough to consider the possibility of chapter 2
"I gotcha baby girl.."
CurryMonster Posted: 03:25 Feb14 2010
Post ID: 2802470
CurryMonster
A Professional with Standard
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Since I'm here, I might as well post, because I've spotted a few things that I don't agree with and need to vent about.
First of all, three Little Sisters and three Big Daddies barge down a door to kill your guy and take his ADAM. Have you played Bioshock? Do you remember all those times when you'd see a Big Daddy ruthlessly charging down hordes of splicers so his Little Sister could get their ADAM? No, neither do I, because it never happens. Big Daddies quite specifically only attack people who provoke them, and Little Sisters quite specifically never look for ADAM from people who are still alive.
Second, your main character's name. One cursory glance at my own work will tell you that I love unpronounceable names as much as the next man, but is it really necessary to include a pronounciation guide? I'm sure most of us would be able to hazard a guess as to how, if at all, we want to pronounce it. Furthermore, I notice that you spelled his name differently in the pronounciation guide to everywhere else. Assuming that the more frequently-used version is the correct one, did you not think to change it in the first instance? Perhaps you should consider a more thorough spell-check in future.
First of all, three Little Sisters and three Big Daddies barge down a door to kill your guy and take his ADAM. Have you played Bioshock? Do you remember all those times when you'd see a Big Daddy ruthlessly charging down hordes of splicers so his Little Sister could get their ADAM? No, neither do I, because it never happens. Big Daddies quite specifically only attack people who provoke them, and Little Sisters quite specifically never look for ADAM from people who are still alive.
Second, your main character's name. One cursory glance at my own work will tell you that I love unpronounceable names as much as the next man, but is it really necessary to include a pronounciation guide? I'm sure most of us would be able to hazard a guess as to how, if at all, we want to pronounce it. Furthermore, I notice that you spelled his name differently in the pronounciation guide to everywhere else. Assuming that the more frequently-used version is the correct one, did you not think to change it in the first instance? Perhaps you should consider a more thorough spell-check in future.
Oginig Posted: 05:45 Feb14 2010
Post ID: 2802481
Oginig
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My comments are spoilerized to avoid taking up too much screen space.
Spoiler:
In summary, I think you?re doing a good job. There are a few areas you need to work on, and there?s always room for improvement, but I like it. Keep it up.
You have my judgment, good sir. ;) Hopefully I?ve been helpful.
Spoiler:
click to reveal
In summary, I think you?re doing a good job. There are a few areas you need to work on, and there?s always room for improvement, but I like it. Keep it up.
You have my judgment, good sir. ;) Hopefully I?ve been helpful.
Sincerely,
Jaffa
Jaffa
MenaceSG Posted: 13:52 Feb14 2010
Post ID: 2802601
MenaceSG
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@Curry: I have played Bioshock. I thought that this story might have something a little interesting in it which will come later. Perhaps I'll find a route to show what I mean. If I can't, I might just edit that part out
@Oginig: thank you. I'm still trying very hard to get better with the decription part and the dialogue stuff (this being my second time I've ever written a story). I hope overall it's improved from my previous one.
The pronounciation was a flaw, I realize that now. I didn't think to put it at the top but I felt I needed to explain his name since it is extremely different. I also realize I'm going to have to change some of it around since it contradicts somewhat with the actual story of Bioshock.
I actually really need help with the dialogue stuff. I don't know how to properly place dialogue
@Oginig: thank you. I'm still trying very hard to get better with the decription part and the dialogue stuff (this being my second time I've ever written a story). I hope overall it's improved from my previous one.
The pronounciation was a flaw, I realize that now. I didn't think to put it at the top but I felt I needed to explain his name since it is extremely different. I also realize I'm going to have to change some of it around since it contradicts somewhat with the actual story of Bioshock.
I actually really need help with the dialogue stuff. I don't know how to properly place dialogue
"I gotcha baby girl.."
Oginig Posted: 15:46 Feb14 2010
Post ID: 2802648
Oginig
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You?re completely welcome. If I can help, I?m glad to do so.
I?d say the quality is a step in the positive direction from Valkyrie, although the improvement isn?t completely drastic or anything. But I wouldn?t worry about it too much ? improvement is important, but it happens over time, not overnight. Keep practicing and you?ll keep developing skill.
By the way, I?d consider this extremely impressive for a second-ever story. This is miles better than my early stuff. Granted, I was a lot younger than you are when I started writing, but still; I?d say you?re doing very well for so little experience.
Oookay, dialogue. Spoilerizing this due to length again.
Spoiler:
« Last edited by Oginig on Feb 14th 2010 »
I?d say the quality is a step in the positive direction from Valkyrie, although the improvement isn?t completely drastic or anything. But I wouldn?t worry about it too much ? improvement is important, but it happens over time, not overnight. Keep practicing and you?ll keep developing skill.
By the way, I?d consider this extremely impressive for a second-ever story. This is miles better than my early stuff. Granted, I was a lot younger than you are when I started writing, but still; I?d say you?re doing very well for so little experience.
Oookay, dialogue. Spoilerizing this due to length again.
Spoiler:
click to reveal
« Last edited by Oginig on Feb 14th 2010 »
Sincerely,
Jaffa
Jaffa
MenaceSG Posted: 16:22 Feb14 2010
Post ID: 2802660
MenaceSG
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Hmmm, it is starting to make sense. I will definitely try really hard to make sure it sounds sufficient.
Yeah, I hope I can really drastically improve one day. I'm not very good at the English part. I've taken classes and stuff, but it's different when you actually apply it. It does make sense actually, I just have to remember to use it properly. Alrighty, Bioshock chapter 2 will be coming soon, after I edit the first one
Yeah, I hope I can really drastically improve one day. I'm not very good at the English part. I've taken classes and stuff, but it's different when you actually apply it. It does make sense actually, I just have to remember to use it properly. Alrighty, Bioshock chapter 2 will be coming soon, after I edit the first one
"I gotcha baby girl.."
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