RPG Stories

So I'm a big player of RPGs. I'm not talking about stuff like Fallout and Elder Scrolls (though I do play quite a bit of those), I'm talking about a good old fashioned, Pencil-and-paper Tabletop RPG like Dungeons and Dragons. I first started playing in an arena-style action RPG that my friend designed. I didn't have much fun with it, but it did spike my curiosity, and thus I began years of RPGs. Mostly it's been Dungeons & Dragons, but I've dabbled in some other RPGs from time to time. I've noticed that crazy RPG stories can often get some big laughs, so I figured I'd make a topic for people to share their favorites here.

Let's start with a story about Dark Heresy.

Now, Dark Heresy, for those who don't know, is a game from the Warhammer 40K universe (One of four, along with Rogue Trader, Black Crusade, and Deathwatch) and if you haven't played them before... eh, I wouldn't recommend it. While the mechanics are functional, the universe is boring, most of story surrounding the universe revolves around characters who are idiots and/or massive pricks (Take for example the Imperium of Man, or as I like to call them, the Space Nazis.

But I digress, this is supposed to be about fun RPG stories, right? Well, our group had just gotten done with a Deathwatch Campaign. which went out with a bit of a fizzle. I think the GM just had a tendency to do everything by the books and had little sense of innovation or imagination when it came to working his world, let's call him Mike for sake of argument. In addition, Deathwatch is already pretty uninteresting, since Role Playing a Space Marine is akin to Role Playing a refrigerator. They just have no personality at all.
Then there was a player named... well, we'll just call her Lauren.

Lauren and I did not get along. I hesitate to use the word "hate," but that's probably not far off. My main problem with her was that she didn't like Role Playing and constantly reminded us of it. So why did she even play with us? Well, another of the players was her boyfriend, and she felt the need to be with him as much as humanly possible. The boyfriend was an okay guy, but his girl was just insane. She would break character, constantly remind us how little she cared about any of us, and blatantly put the party in danger. Oh, and she played a Psycher (Essentially a magic user from D&D if Magic Users spells occasionally tried in a variety of fun ways to murder them), the most difficult and dangerous class.

So, we're in this Dark Heresy campaign, and I'm playing a monster of an Assassin. I didn't have much of a chance to characterize him, and I honestly don't even remember his name. She was playing (of course) a psycher. We were sent by the Inquisition to investigate some strange happenings on a planet. So we showed up to a town and found that it was being shelled by primitive artillery 24/7. So while we were investigating, we had a chance to get hit by this artillery.
Wouldn't you know it, Lauren catches a shell. It doesn't do much damage, but Mike mentions that after she's hit, one of the nameless NPCs looks at her, smirks, and turns away while shaking his head.

Lauren, being the level-headed lady she is, wastes him with her shotgun. Now, being an assassin, that conflicted with two major assassin traits: be subtle, and don't kill anyone you don't have to kill. I immediately start yelling at her in-character, and it's about to reach some sort of a clash.
Mike senses this and tells us that we find some papers on the NPC that prove that he was a heretic, making Lauren in the right. I get a little miffed, but he explains that he really doesn't want to watch our characters tear each other apart.

So we continue on. About ten minutes later, another shell happens to hit Lauren, and she (of course) fires her shotgun at another bystander. She doesn't kill him, but at this point I've seen enough. My assassin draws his Autopistol and puts it against her head.

Me: "Never do that again."
Lauren: "Do it!"

I would like to point out that she said this to the FERAL WORLD ASSASSIN. I slowly turn and look at Mike.

Mike: "Are you going to be nice enough to do a single-shot?"
Me: "Nope, Full-Auto Burst."

Amazingly, Lauren's character survives with a few wounds left. Figuring that I made my point (or that if she had a brain she'd save her revenge until such a time as when I wasn't still pointing a gun at her), I say:

Me: "Okay, that was the warning shot. Now never do that again."
Lauren: "**** YOU!"

I take another side-glance at the GM, who now has his face buried in his hands while I roll damage, blowing her character away.
She actually complained about it for the rest of the night, like I hadn't given her several chances to get away with her life. The campaign didn't last much longer anyways, and I didn't see her again, but that session will always be remembered by our group (though Mike doesn't like me retelling it. I do anyways.)

I've never played a table top rpg, I really want to, but I also have no one to play with.
However I do have stories from other people who posted their stories online.

Sir Bearington:
A guy new to D&D decided to play as a bear. The DM told him that everyone will just run away from him if he did that. The guy decided to put all of his points into disguise. The DM then told him no one would understand what he was saying. Guy focused on maxing out bluff in order to fake him speaking english. After a long time the bear used his riches to get a servant and an amulet that allowed people to under stand the bear. He later on got knighted and became Sir Bearington, apparently at the ceremony there was a guy that was able to roll a check high enough to see past Sir Bearington's disguise. The guards dragged him out and the servant apologized and Sir Bearington just shrugged and said "Rawr rawr"


Biggest loser:
A guy ran as a paladin with a group of three other people, wizard, rogue, bard. This paladin had a back story of being the worst possible fighter ever. The group was nearing the end of their campaign, it was an orc army attack on the paladin's home. The paladin saw his time to shine and told his team mates to cover another area while he covered the woods. The team mates died due to the players acting extremely stupid, like getting back stabbed in an open area. It was only the paladin and the orcs had already invaded the village. The paladin hid in the woods and started firing arrows killing orcs one by one, until a search team was sent out to kill him. The paladin set up traps ahead of time and killed the stragglers, this happened several times until a dragon was sent to attack him instead. The paladin looked for a tree that was shaped like a Y and stuck another tree between it. When the dragon was near to the tree, he rode his war horse up the ramp and jumped of it, barely grabbing the dragon. The reason he did that is because the entire campaign he had bad luck with rolls and the only check he needed was to grab onto the dragon.
The horse died by the fall and the paladin rolled a crit, ripping off the wing of the dragon. The bleed and fall damage killed the dragon. Finally the leader of the army, a half orc arrived and challenged him. After a big speech on how the orc leader is going to kill the paladin and burn down his home town. The orc leader was buffed up and did major damage to the paladin, knocking him into a tree. The paladin had a flash back on how he was a horrible paladin and how he was made fun of. The orc came closer and the paladin made his final move, the player rolled a 1, he then rolled to check on how bad he failed. He rolled a 1. The player says he will never forget what his DM told him after that, but I kind of did. "You and adjacent person die."


Gay rights:
A new person join a game for D&D, after the character is made, the player asks if gay marriage is legal. DM says not really, but homosexuality is accepted. The player then decides to over throw the monarchy and changes it to a democracy. After sometime the player does so and is declared president. The president then signs a bill to legalize gay marriage. As the paper is signed, the sky darkens and an undead army, lead by a lich, attacks the land. The player looks at the DM with a "wtf" face. DM says something along the lines of, you should have spent you time on a real threat instead of wasting it on legalizing gay marriage.

I am familiar with Sir Bearington, that's a pretty famous one. There's also a Call of Cathulu story about Old Man Henderson, the character who won Call of Cathulu. Google it, it's a heck of a ride.

I suppose I should share a few of my D&D stories.

The man with the magic dice
So I know this guy, we'll call him Bruce. Bruce has stupid crazy luck with dice. That being said, I'm not blind and I have seen him modify his rolls before (those not familiar with D&D, that means after rolling he'll lie about what he rolled), but I've also seen several instances of completely legitimate stupid luck.

One day we were at Mike's house (guy from the 40K story above) playing a one-shot campaign, and Bruce was on the couch. For whatever reason nobody brought dice, so we were using online die rollers. Bruce was again having his stupid luck, and this time we knew it was legit because there was a dice log. While you can wipe the entire log, you can't wipe individual results, so when we saw 20 roll in a row, none lower than 14 on a 20 sider, we knew it was legit. Then another one of the regulars who we'll call Leo (more on him later) asks Bruce to roll his initiative for him.
Bruce rolls a 3.
The. Die. Roller. KNEW. That is the only explanation we could think of, and it went back to rolling stupidly high after that.

Another time in our main campaign, one of Bruce's characters, a Samurai named Suto, has confronted his big bad evil guy, a ninja who killed his master. This was a fight that had been hyped up for quite some time. The ninja attacked and took a nice chunk of Suto's health. Then Suto counterattacked.
Before we continue, I must mention here that Suto had a DM-Made magic katana called The Art of War. Among other things, on a roll of 17 or higher, it did triple damage and would sever a limb. Bruce, of course, got both rolls over a 17. I was watching, and this definitely did happen. Now, to determine what he severed, he pulled out a twelve-sided dice with body parts listed on it. I have no idea where he and his dad found this die, but they had it.
And Bruce rolled Left Hand and Right Hand. Again, I was watching, this was legit.

Spell Balance in AD&D

I should mention that the campaign with Suto in the above story is AD&D. Same campaign, we're at the final boss.

This guy had tried to turn himself into a Lich, but the ritual failed and he was instead a Greater Mummy (still a hell of an enemy). Added to that, he had managed to get the Hand of Vecna (stupidly evil and powerful artifact, the hand of an old Lich. Essentially you lop off your old hand, stick on the new one, and get a ton of powers). He also had the Eye of Vecna, but the ritual to get that into his skull had failed.

So, we begin the fight with the Greater Mummy (despite not being a lich, he still has a Phylactery, but we had destroyed it at this point), and Suto grabs him and makes some heroic statement. To which the Lich (he's a mummy, but I'm calling him a Lich because that's what we called him) replied "Die". Power Word: Die. Suto was dead.

We start flipping out and attacking the Lich with little success. At this point our new Paladin remembers that the DM gave him a horrendously overpowered sword. This sword, among other things, could cast Heal once a day or something. In AD&D, Heal brings someone's health to max minus 1d4 HP, and does the reverse to an undead. The Paladin casts it, the Lich fails his Magic Resist throw, and is brought to 3 HP.

While we're laughing our dwarf calmly says "I throw my hammer at him". And thus, the climactic battle with the Lich ended in about 3 rounds with a hammer buried in his face.

« Last edited by imaloony8.0 on Feb 12th 2013 »

So one time I was writing this Report Program Generator script to pull data from a file and organize it into this complex printout, when I realized how stupidly outdated and useless RPG is. I then proceeded to turn the computer off, because messing with that programming language just isn't worth the time.

I've never had the chance to actually do an RPG like that. They sound interesting but sometimes I wonder if I could fully stay in character

Craizen said:

I've never had the chance to actually do an RPG like that. They sound interesting but sometimes I wonder if I could fully stay in character

A lot of players think that when they first start. My advice is to find a good DM (As in, someone who has done it before. If you can get an opinion from his players that would be good.) and don't feel shame if you play it hack-n-slash for the first campaign and just observe how other people interact with the campaign. Chime in as you see fit, and it comes pretty naturally. Don't be afraid to be goofy now and then, but know when it's time to be serious.

That being said, let me drive the goofiness home with a story about the funniest character I've ever seen. We're talking about a character that the guy Leo I mentioned before made.

This was again in AD&D (Same Campaign as Suto and the Lich). Leo decided to play a race call the Kender. A Kender is very similar to a halfling (hobbit), but with a few personality quirks. For example, they feel no fear, are completely innocent, and are all kleptomaniacs. They don't consider it stealing it however, they consider it "borrowing" it and will become extremely offended if you call them a thief. Hell, when you start one you need to roll 100 random object that they start with in each pocket. It's pretty funny.

So Leo rolls up a Thief/Illusionist Kender that he simply calls "Smidget." I'll have to skip past a lot of the other stories like when he for three campaigns in a row dealt more damage to the party than he did to enemies, the several times he died/had his soul ripped from his body, and "Smidget the Melee Weapon".

So, one day we end up in a city called Omnicore, the human capitol of this world. While we're there on business, Leo asks if he can start a religion. Our DM raises and eyebrow, but says sure. So Smidget begins to preclaim the good word of "The Great Kitty Deborah" or "The Great Kender." The story, according to him, is that all of the shiny objects in the world (By the way, forgot to mention the kender are obsessed with shiny objects) used to be part of the Great One's eye. When she closed her eyes, it would be night across the world. Then, one day all the war and evil on the planet finally got to the Great One, and she cried, her eye shattering and spreading the shiny all across the world. So now, the disciples of Deborah must reforge her eye by gathering all the shiny in one pile and dance around it singing "PRETTY PRETTY SHINY SHINY PRETTY PRETTY SHINY SHINY."

Our DM found this amusing, but realized that with how ADD Kender were and how crazy Smidget was, it was unlikely it would catch on. Still, he gave Smidget something like a 5% chance that the religion would catch on, and the roll, amazingly, passed. The rest of the night then DM said he made like 8 more rolls to see if the religion would grow. 7 of them succeeded. By the time we left the city, there were well over 1,000 followers, and Smidget was now known as "The Prophet". Hell, another of our players re-entered the game as a Gnome Tinkerer and became Smidget's 2nd in command.

But let's back up a bit. In addition to my Ranger Roy, I had a Cleric named Sky (Cleric of Isis. An Egyptian god). Eventually she catches wind of this religion and becomes furious of Smidget spreading the word of a false god and begins tearing into him. I even say to the DM that I call the wrath of my god onto this "heathen" (All in-character. Out of character we're all having a blast with this subplot). So, Smidget then raises his hand as a voice inside his head tells him to, and he casts a Clerical spell. My cleric knows for a fact that Smidget had no other means of casting that spell at the moment. While I tried to reason it away, Isis contacted me. "I sense something. It isn't strong, but there is a divine force behind him."
So, Sky walked away, found a bar, and drank herself half to death.

The Church of the Great Kitty Deborah would become a source of hilarity for the rest of the game. After leaving Omnicore, we headed straight to an Island that Suto wanted to go to to take out some enemies of his old family. We end up flash-freezing and then flash-thawing a house, and scare the hell out of everyone in the town. While we try to convince the rest of the town that we're not bad guys, Smidget steps up and begins saying similar stuff to the town.

Our DM pauses, rolls a set of percentile dice, and then begins laughing his *** off. He then says that someone stepped out of a building, pointed at Smidget and shouted "THE PROPHET!"
I am not exaggerating when I say that we left Omnicore 3 days prior and headed straight for this island. The religion was spreading faster than we could travel.
Hell, in our new campaign (set about 70 years after the first campaign in the same world) we've already stumbled across a church of the Great Kender. Our DM explained that none of the books actually had a Kender god, and since Smidget got enough followers, he kind of literally created a god.

And we loved him for it.

your friends sound awesome

like no joke

Why not just play an online D&D game? There's programs that allow you to play and I think some even have a teamspeak in it, so you don't have to get skype or something.

There are also several "Famous Lines" from our D&D sessions I should share. These were the ones that had the whole group laughing for several minutes.

The first I was actually not a part of. My friend Bruce and his Dad (The DM for the Lich campaign) were a part of an oddball campaign. Players were encouraged to play obscure races. Among them was a Minotaur Barbarian.
So this group were sneaking into an Ogre camp and manage to take out two of the guards. However, they made a little bit of noise, and some of the other guards heard. They called over to ask what the noise was.
A few people in the party spoke Ogrish, so one of the party members called back "Nothing! We were just killing some deer!"
At which point the Minotaur says "Mooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Apparently the campaign was put on hold for 10 minutes while everyone in the room died of laughter. Also, fun note, the Minotaur died later in the campaign. When he went to the afterlife, he was approached by his god (Of Minotaur) who grabbed him by his nose ring and shook him while shouting "WE. DO. NOT. SAY. MOO!"

The next two I was a part of, and it was early in the Lich campaign. We entered an old Dwarven complex, apparently abandoned. After investigating, we found that the Dwarves who lived there had been sealed inside carvings on the wall by two (Lesser) Black Dragons. We screwed around and eventually found the painting where the Dwarven King was, and managed to pull him out. We discovered that they had been sealed like this for about 5000 years, which we put together before he did (He thought it had only been a few minutes, days at the most).
Suto finally says "I don't know how to tell you this, but you've been sealed away for 5000 years."
Our DM makes a roll, and informs us that the Dwarf King just failed his system shock roll and had died of shock.
We're now flipping out that the King has died, trying to figure out what to do. My Cleric, Sky, was not yet high enough to raise the dead, which could be a problem.
Finally, Hugh (The Boyfriend of Lauren in the first story) calmly says "Wait, wait wait." We turn and give him out attention. "So how much XP does Suto get for the Dwarf King?"
That took about five minutes of laughing to get out of our systems. The DM ended up giving Suto 3,000 XP, just for that line.

Now, let's discuss Freddie. Freddie was our group Mage, and he was a pretty mellow guy. He actually didn't Role Play much (In the sense that he didn't really get into character), but enjoyed the combat and hanging out with us, and he managed to do his part, so I didn't mind. He played a mage named Benzo, and all I knew about that character was that he REALLY wanted a Mage Tower.
Anywho, we were in the town where Smidget was recognized as the prophet less than a week after creating said religion. Prior to Flash-Freezing/Thawing the building, we found another building that we were trying to get into subtly. A few of us were hiding in our box of holding, and a few were disguised as we approached the building, Benzo being one of them. I kid you not when I say that we spent 40+ Minutes discussing how to get past the one girl who answered the door. Freddie got pretty sick of this and decided to just take matters into his own... hands.
So he looks at the DM and says (Keep in mind, he's casting this on a girl): "I want to cast... oh, what was it... (At this point he's making a very obvious cop-a-feel/groping gesture with both hands) Hold Person!"
So that tacked on another few minutes to us getting into that building while we all laughed at that. I don't even remember if she lived through that. I think we killed her on our way out, but I will always remember you, ninja lady who Freddie tried to grope.