~FF~ Familia Vendetta

?Come on little brother, I thought you were dad?s favorite.? Gilgmesh struggled against his older brother?s powerful strikes, each one aiming for a vital part of his body or pressure point. Gilgmesh was not worried about dying, after all they were only fighting with dull wooden replicas but his brother was more than capable of placing Gilgmesh in a bed for more than a few weeks with broken bones, bruises, and other such injuries.
?But your already head of your own scouting unit, you?ve been killing Antilons, Sand Worms, and Other Shook generals! I?ve been stuck at home fighting the dreaded battle dummy.? Gilgmesh replied to his brother statement trying to push off another strike, he could hear his wooden sword cracking in his hand.
?You will get your own unit when you become 20 too, so stop complaining and fight back, I won?t let you quit until you can hit me in the face.? He pointed at his chin mockingly. Gilgmesh stopped pushing on his brother?s blade and jumped back a few feet to add distance between them. He knew his brother probably already guessed what Gilgmesh was planning, it was a basic canceling attack used to guarantee at least one hit on your enemy, a max of three if you pulled it off correctly. ?I?m waiting.? Nexcrose complained in a mocking tone.
?Remember, you were the one that asked for it.? Gilgmesh charged Nexcrose with his blade bent down by his side so it could easily be changed to a defensive parry or an offensive strike. As Gilgmesh covered the final distance between his brother and made a strike for his hip, it was a fake strike and Gilgmesh canceled it just before the blade was in blocking distance and quickly spinned to strike at Nexcrose?s leg on the opposite side. He hoped and prayed that his brother would fall for the bait and try to block the first attack, but Gilgmesh had no such luck. But stranger so his brother did not try to block the second attack instead he jumped and slammed himself down on Gilgmesh?s blade, snapping it in two. Gilgmesh kneeled there stunned; but he looked up just in time to see his brother?s wooden sword fly across his face. He fell to the ground holding onto his head as it burned with pain.
?You might want to get that looked at, that?s one nasty bump you have there.? Nexcrose tossed the blade behind him and offered a hand to his little brother. ?That was a good idea but I know all the tricks there is.? Gilgmesh grabbed his brother?s rusty gauntlet, pulling himself back up on his feet.
?Mom says Dad wants see us at the temple after training so we should get moving.?
?Hay, I said you can?t quit until you hit me in the face.? Gilgmesh frowned.
?But you broke my sword!?
?That?s your problem, not mine.? Nexcrose laughed.


« Last edited by Dragoon King. on Jan 2nd 2007 »

I read it and there are many mistakes im pretty sure bloke is supposed to be block, presser=pressure, burses=bruises, etc. but nice I liked it alot.

Sorry, word does not see things like that but I'll fix it up right now

Dieing = dying
Other = other
Guaranty = guarantee
Bate = bait
Gantlet = gauntlet
Burses = bruises
Presser = pressure

'Nuff said. Though it's pretty good. Keep it up.

I feel so stupid for not seeing that yet I feel so good that people like it.

Yeah it's a pretty good story besides the mistakes keep up the good work.

Since the place has slown down I'll work on the next chapter.
I'll make sure to keep out any bugs and make it longer than the last one.

I can tell that you rushed the chapter to produce it because you wanted people to be online in order to read it. Here are my suggestions for writing chapters in the future:

1. Take notes. They don't have to be very concise, just about everything important that happens in the chapter.

2. Connect them. Proofread and see if there's anything you missed.

3. Add detail.

I'll make sure to do all that, thanks for the tips.

Well, I read it after the mistakes were fixed, so I can't really say anything bad about it. Some things are slightly taken from others, but then again, its hard to make anything original these days, because of Simpsons and South Park.

I've never seen anything from the Simpsons or South Park that matched the above.

I was using them as an example, but some things were slightly taken off of certain anime and video games, here are some examples:

Gilgmesh= Gilgamesh from FF1
"Come on, little brother"= Fullmetal Alchemist, Alphonse Elric always refers to his older brother Ed simply as "Brother"
Sand Worms= Star Wars, large sand worms that attack Jaden Korr on Bakura.

I like it 8/10

w00t, thanks.
Next chapter should be done with in 20 hours.

I'll be waitin for it.

Aww, nuts, I got school tomorrow.

No problem and yay can't wait!

On 02-Jan-2007 Cloud_Chaos said:

I like it 8/10

I hope you're aware that numerical ratings are against the rules.

On 02-Jan-2007 ddog64 said:

I was using them as an example, but some things were slightly taken off of certain anime and video games, here are some examples:

Gilgmesh= Gilgamesh from FF1
"Come on, little brother"= Fullmetal Alchemist, Alphonse Elric always refers to his older brother Ed simply as "Brother"
Sand Worms= Star Wars, large sand worms that attack Jaden Korr on Bakura.

There wasn't a Gilgamesh in FF1.

Not bad, but a bit short. More length next time would be appreciated.

Pan and Co.:

Thanks, and I'll make sure to make the next one longer.
I should get it up today; there is a part I would like to edit in the chapter before I post it though.

ddog:

I got the name Gilgamesh not from the FF Gilgamesh but the ancient king Gilgamesh. It is sort of a symbol because Gilgmesh's dad, Gilgamesh, is a vary important person in the Shook city. Gilgamesh is also said to have had super human powers, thus Gilgamesh being the strongest person. And Gilgmesh is Gilgmesh because Gilgamesh wanted him to be Gilamesh Jr but his mom wanted to name him.

The "Little Brother." remark was to tease Gilgmesh because he is the younger brother and thus weaker, but you could be right because I was watching a strangely large amount of FMA

As for the large Sand Worm, I based mine of the Sand Worms from Dune. The Star Wars ones just seemed to hide in large holes from there pray to come to them (That?s how I remembered it). The Sand Worms in Dune hunt there prey buy feeling vibrations in the sand. In a chapter to come Gilgmesh will have to walk in a special way to mask his movement in the movement of the sand and other local flora and fauna that the sand worm does not normally hunt to keep from being attacked.


« Last edited by Dragoon King. on Jan 3rd 2007 »

(Sorry for the double post)


?I finally got you.? A happy Gilgmesh gloated as he walked down the sandy road to the city?s temple. His mother told him before he left the house for the training grounds that his father wanted to see every one at the temple. It used to only be Nexcrose and Nova because they were the eldest of the family, both were over 20 so they each had there own units which meant they had the responsibility of protecting the city. This also meant they had to absorb a large amount of knowledge so they could pass it down to the next generation when they had a family of there own or when they took up apprentices. From what Nexcrose would tell him at night as they rested in there beds the elders taught them things about great rulers, ancient magics, and secret fighting techniques. He even told Gilgmesh of the beautiful armor and weapons they held deep with in the halls of the temples inner sanctum.
?Don?t get full of yourself, it was a lucky shot.? Nexcrose replied grabbing his little brother?s head, rubbing his fist deep into Gilgmesh?s scalp.
?Hay, that?s no way a great general should act.? Gilgmesh complained as he tried to push his brother?s fist way from his head.
?Just be happy I left my gauntlets at the training grounds or you wouldn?t have a head to grow hair any more.? Nexcrose added as he pulled his arm away from his brother?s shaggy sand brown hair. ?You?re going to flip when you see what they keep deep in the temple. Sure the prayer hall is great with its huge sculptures of the gods but what they keep behind that is amazing. You?re lucky to, you get to see the place a few months early, I had to wait till the day of my 20th birthday.? Gilgmesh?s birthday was only 2 months away, once he became 20 he would get his own unit and his training would be complete, he would finally be able to fallow in his dad?s foot steps. Although his brother would probably get the title of head war chief he still dreamed of becoming a great warrior.
?So it?s really that great?? Gilgmesh asked placing his hands behind his head as he walked.
?You?ll just have to see for yourself.?

As the pair made it to the town square they could see the road that went up to the temple. It was not hard to miss for it was law that there could not be another building bigger than it besides the watch towers that were placed at the city walls. The out side of the temple was an amazing feet of architecture too, making it even more noticeable. The beautiful designs carved into each wall, each temple, each obelisk and pillar was amazing, and the stained glass that was the dome above the prayer hall swallowed the priest in a rainbow of colors as he would strengthen the spirits of the people with his stories and teachings about the gods. Gilgmesh walked up to the door and knocked on it twice. The door was so big it took 4 men on the other side to open it with special machines placed on each one. ?Please stand back while we open the door.? A voice called from the other side of the double doors. As the doors were opened the stench of burning essence and holy oils assaulted there since of smell as it made a rush for the outside, they had to cover there faces for a few seconds until it calmed down and filtered outside. ?Welcome Gilgmesh, Nexcrose.? The two recognized the voice of Father Enix, the head priest and one of the council of 5.
?Hello Father.? Gilgmesh and Nexcrose bowed as they greeted the old priest.
?Come, the others are waiting for you inside.? The priest led the pair to a door on the other side of the alter where he would burn the sacrifice of the day. As he reached the door he pulled from his sleeve a key that split into 4 separate key heads, they used this as a safety precaution. In order to open the door all 4 locks had to be opened at the same time. Something no lock pick could ever do. The inside was just as Nexcrose had explained it, beautiful and amazing. Every inch of the wall was covered in marble and golden candles were placed on its walls lighting the way to a door on the other side. Thought it was a simple hall it was decorated to look better than the payer hall with its many murals of past battles and great rulers, and the gold plated armor that was placed a long the wall made were beautifully carved with rubies and diamonds placed all over the breast plate. As they cleared the hall and walked into the next room, this one just as beautiful as the hall out side. It was a large round room with three doors towards the back, on the roof there was a large chandelier of glass that lighted the whole room with its star like gleam. As Gilgmesh walked in and looked around he was surprised to see not just Ashe, his little sister, but his cousins from his father?s side of the family. That would make 25 of the village?s greatest warriors in one room. ?Welcome Gilgmesh, Nexcrose. You are just in time for the battle planning.? It was another one of the elders, Leo X. Just to the side of him was their father, Gilgamesh.
?So you finally get to see some action Gilgmesh.? Nexcrose teased nudging his brother. ?So are we going to attack an Antlion nest or is it a rouge Sand Worm that has traveled to close to the city??
?We are going to attack the Shook village of Pennipotenti.?
?What?!? You can?t be serious! You sending all of us to attack another shook village? And a peaceful one that we have been partners with for ages!? Nexcrose objected.
?The village has already tried to attack us, the other night some one from their village has tried to attack the temple. And I?m sure you are all capable of destroying another village, even the young Ashe.? The elder replied his voice calm and cool unlike Nexcrose?s. The sudden out burst of Nexcrose made many of the people in the room cross, you could be put to death for defying an elder.
?You lie old man!? Nexcrose shouted.
?Hold your tongue Nexcrose, unless you wish to have it cut out.? It was Nova that replied to Nexcrose this time, her long white hair flowing behind her as she placed the tip of her spear against her brother?s neck. The others, including Gilgmesh, did not want to get in between the two for fear of their life. Nova and Nexcrose were the city?s strongest warriors next to Gilgamesh and Sheena.
?Nexcrose you must understand that our city is being threatened buy a rival clan.? Leo explained placing his hand on Nova?s spear and pushing it way from the two. It was a clear sign that she too would be punished if she provoked violence in his presence.
?Rival clan? We have been supporting each other for years and you decide to attack them! Dad, you can?t really believe this crap!? Gilgamesh was about to answer but he glanced over at the elder. The elder?s sight was a sinister one, like he expected the reply to go in his favor and not for Nexcrose. ?It is true Nexcrose, they attacked the temple to try and steal the ancient weapons of power.?
?See? We are only righting a wrong, was it not the great elder Steinbrenner that once said ?It is the way of the Shook to take your attackers eye if they take yours.???
?It was only one person! How do you know it was not a rouge?? Nexcrose argued holding on to his beliefs of peace. But with the mention of rouges and the sudden out burst of Nexcrose has caused many of the people in the room, including the soldiers placed at the door to start gossiping with each other.
?It might have only have been one that attacked but he had to have had partners to cross the desert. We all know that it is suicide to travel the harsh desert alone, and night more so than the day for the dangerous Sand Sharks that a wake as the sun leaves the sky.? Leo replied, trying to shift Nexcrose?s opinion on the matter.
?You make me sick! This is just a sad accuse to start war, is it not? You?re just trying to gain more territory!? Nexcrose?s face grew a sinister grin as he discovered what he thought was the truth.
?I am sorry Gilgamesh but it looks like your son has crossed the line, I can not allow him to disgrace this holy temple with his presences. Soldiers, take him away.? The two that were behind Nexcrose grabbed his arms and forced them behind his back. Nexcrose tried to fight back but the armor the two were wearing made it impossible for anything other than the arm inside it to move them. As the two rapped a rag around his nose and mouth to drug him he could see the figure of his brother trying to help him but Leo stood in front of Gilgmesh to prevent him from rushing to his brother?s side, he also noticed the emblem that was on the gauntlets of the two men and could only get out one last thought before falling into darkness ?Those two are not Shooks, they are??