The Legacy of Sky (Revised Fiction)

I've removed this story from this site. I'll still work on it personally, but I don't think I'd like it on the internet any longer... at least for now. Thanks for the ride guys, it's been a blast.

If you ever want to get in touch with me to play some games or just chat, I've updated my profile to include my Facebook, Steam ID, and 3DS Friend Code. Hit me up whenever!

And check out my last story for this site which will stay here and includes some final thoughts of mine on my time spent on this site: http://forums.supercheats.c...c=137110

-imaloony

P.S. And if you were wondering, Chapter 1 used to be here. :3

« Last edited by imaloony8.0 on May 22nd 2015 »

Seems pretty interesting so far I guess.

Um...

Yeah, I can't think of much else to say at this point. I'd quite like to know what kind of Orcs they are though?

Keep writing!

They're more like half-orcs, half-humans. Not like "Oh my god, they're like fifteen feet tall!" They're more like seven or eight feet tall, slightly green skin, and can speak human semi-well.

On 06-Apr-2009 imaloony8.0 said:

They're more like half-orcs, half-humans. Not like "Oh my god, they're like fifteen feet tall!" They're more like seven or eight feet tall, slightly green skin, and can speak human semi-well.

Orcs are around 5' 6" tall or so. Don't you ever watch LotR?

Anyway pretty good so far. A few typos etc. etc.

nicely written for the revised version. Although I noticed you spelled barely "barley".

Cool story. As far as plot goes, it seems pretty interesting so far, though not especially awesome.

I can give a much more in-depth review of this, but first, I need to know if it matters. I don't want to waste time giving you criticism if you aren't looking for it. Do you want feedback, or are you mostly just looking to showcase?

Critisim would be very much loved, as I got this far thanks to much of Wolfy's criticism.

Alright then. I?m going to give you my full opinion (and I apologize in advance, because it?s probably going to be a tad? verbose). If I ramble a bit, my apologies. I?m pretty sure Jordan calls it JaffAIDS, and I have a habit of doing it, so don?t take it personally.


I may as well get the Grammar Nazi stuff out of the way first.

I know I?m going to sound like a nit-picking jerk here, but I do think there are some punctuation issues. Not exactly relevant to the writing style itself, but still important, at least to me (although, admittedly, that could be the aforementioned nit-picker talking).

?I can get another bucket of water.? She warned.
It?s just that ?she warned? isn?t a sentence by itself, so there should be a comma in the quotations instead of a period. Plus, for the same reason, ?she? should not be capitalized.

?I can get another bucket of water,? she warned.
That?s the corrected version. I would chalk it up as just a simple mistake, but it seems like you do that with all dialogue, so I figured I should mention it.

You?ve also got a run-on sentence or two, which isn?t really a big deal, being that almost every writer ever does it once or twice. But I?m still going to point it out, just to fulfill the role of nit-picking jerk. :P

?I?m not like you Jen, I can?t settle down and get a job, I?m a traveler, and I have goals too you know.?

That needs to be divided into at least two sentences. There are a lot of ways you could split it up, but I like semicolons, so I?d use one of those:

?I?m not like you, Jen; I can?t settle down and get a job. I?m a traveler, and I have goals too, you know.?

And also, I noticed that Jen backed up against the back wall twice.

Jen backed away, putting her back to the back of the ally.
Jen stumbled backwards until her back was against the back of the ally.


I noticed a few other sentences that probably could have been structured better, and there was a day when I would have pointed out each and every one of them, but it?s not today. The main grammatical issue, for me, was just the dialogue punctuation thing.
[/GrammarNazi]


OK, now we can talk about the actual substance of the writing. From the fact that a random customer soiled themselves in the middle of a store and then felt the urge to go to the bathroom again maybe minutes later, I have to assume this fic is going to be at least somewhat oriented toward comedy (at least, I sincerely hope that is the case). Nothing wrong with a funny fic.

And on that note, I like the miniature conversations before and after the chapter. Adds a nice personal touch, and could probably do really well if done right. But I do advise that you be careful with it. If you have casual and humorous conversations surrounding every chapter, it?s going to be a bit difficult to do anything serious at all. If you have some major plot twist, and then Gohan drunkenly burps afterward, it?s going to kill the moment a bit. And even if it isn?t something innately funny, it could still take away from the intensity.

Just saying, you may want to think about ditching the character discussion around serious chapters. Now, I don?t know how you handle serious chapters, so I don?t know if this is even anything you have to worry about. But in case it?s something you hadn?t considered, I thought it worth mentioning. Just think you should be careful with it.


I also think you could use some work on balancing your dialogue with your description. There is absolutely nothing wrong with dialogue. But here is the way I see it: in real life, conversation is the spice, not the substance. For a simple example, consider something that is really beautiful, a sunset or a fresh sheet of snow or whatever you think is pretty. If I verbally say ?that is beautiful,? does that change the way it looks? No, because the appearance of that object does not depend on what I say about it. The substance is the thing that is beautiful; my words just add some spice to it.

Of course, it?s hard to translate that perfectly into writing. There?s not some perfect formula for it. But in the case of this chapter, it seems to me like the dialogue is the substance, and the description is basically just thrown in for spice. For example, consider the part where Sky grabbed the man by his neck. You kind of graze over that piece of information like it?s nothing, going right into dialogue. You literally just say that she grabbed his neck. That could be, ?She wrapped her fingers around his throat in a vice grip.? A simple change, but don?t you think it feels more potent? I just think a little more detail could go a long way.


Once again, I emphasize that it?s just my opinion. And do remember: you asked for criticism, so if this seemed absurdly long to you, you were warned. :P


For what it?s worth, I really do think it has the potential to be a really interesting fic. I think it?s a bit clich� that Sky is a legendary figure and an amazing warrior, but also a lazy young woman who can?t hold a customer clerk position for a week. But meh. That?s no big deal.

I love the idea of a nation which is simultaneously protected and constantly terrorized by its army. And I?ve always been a fan of mixed settings, like fantasies where guns still exist and such. So this could prove to be a pretty good fic for my perspective.

? By golly, I think I?m out of things to say. I?ll check back up on updates. Hopefully at least something I?ve said has been helpful to you.


EDIT: ...Admittedly, that was a bit excessive. Kudos to you if you actually read every word of it.

« Last edited by Seos san Nekros on Apr 12th 2009 »

Yeah, I'll admit that at least the end was structured horibly, I was a bit upset about some of my data going away and didn't word it exactly how I wanted it. I made her back against the wall twice because I though that had been cut with the data loss and didn't notice it when I re-read it :/

As for the Legendary Warrior/ Lazy person... well, that may be talked about in later chapters :-P

And I actually DID read the whole thing. At first, I actually looked at the whole thing and thought to myself, "Holy Mother of God, there's no way in hell that I'm reading that!" Then I saw the ending and saw it as a bit of a challenge.

But yeah, thanks for the critisim. This is how writers get better, and I'll definatly take it to heart.

Glad to hear you're open to feedback. I'll try to check back for updates semi-regularly. Good luck with it.

Also, kudos for reading the whole review. Even I didn't have the patience to read through and make sure it all made sense.

RIP Chapter 2.

« Last edited by imaloony8.0 on May 22nd 2015 »

Blade relaxed in a chair, focusing all of his attention on the story. Around when she mentioned her intent to kill Flame, he cocked an eyebrow. Not in surprise, but it confusion.


its spelled in

other than that, lookin' good with Blade's Swearing and *********'s overkill.

« Last edited by SUPERMAN5 on Jun 27th 2009 »

Shhhhhhhhhh! Ixnay on the...uh... CENSOR! ************ ! Some people didn't read my old story, you know!

« Last edited by imaloony8.0 on Jul 2nd 2009 »

oh right, editay postay


the mystery villian's name has been altered to the alternative name, also censored to keep the freshness in.

« Last edited by SUPERMAN5 on Jun 27th 2009 »

On 26-Jun-2009 imaloony8.0 said:

Shhhhhhhhhh! Ixnay on the...uh... CENSOR! ************ ! Some people didn't read my old story, you know!

You might want to edit your post, too. Pig latin isn't the most subtle language. :P

Anyways, this chapter is a pretty big improvement over the first. Your dialogue and punctuation could still use some work, but you do action scenes pretty well, I think. I noticed a couple little mistakes, but I only noted one of them, I'm afraid.

"You know as well as I do that this country is its last legs."

I'm pretty sure you missed an 'on'. This country is on its last legs.

But yeah. I'd say there was quite a bit of improvement, considering we're only two chapters in. I'll check back in for future updates.

Chapter 3 used to be here. I swear.

« Last edited by imaloony8.0 on May 22nd 2015 »

ooh, the nice guy always dies first, eh?


kudos

Awsomeness :D I just waited for you to continue. Finally i can read this again :D

Interesting chapter. It's always comforting when you have a nightmare and then wake up to experience exactly what you were dreading, isn't it?

Ironic, because I'm sure that on Monday I'll have a nightmare about going to school, I'll wake up, relieved that it was only a dream, and then realize that I actually have to go to school.