Fan Fic: Yoshi Island Disaster

Part 1 Intro

It Was A Peaceful Day On The Island Of The Yoshis, Birds Were Singing, Yoshis Were Eating. Yes Life Was Prety Sweet At The Moment.(Note, I Said At The Moment) Luashi Was Having A Swim In The Old Watering Hole
"Oh What A Wonderful Day" She Thought To Herself As Yoshi All The Colours Of The Rainbow Started Bombing Her "OI, **** OFF" Luashi Shouted At Them, They Just Laughed And The Leader Of The Group, Pyroshi Said "And What Are You Gonna Do, Break A Nail?" Pyroshi & His Gang Started Laughing At Her & Splashing Her. "Grrrrrr, Boys, You Cant Live With Them, You Cant Live Without Them" Said Luashi Getting Out Of The Water Walking Up To Her Towl. "I Wish They Would Just Leave Me Alone, Stupid Idiots" Luashi Thought To Her Self

Some Time Later
"Mom, Im Home" Luashi Shouted Out To Her Mother, No Answer So Luashi Called Out Again "MOM, ARE YOU HERE" Still No Answer. "O Well Im Getting On the Computer" Luashi Said Whist Turning It On. "I Wonder Where Mom Could Be, O Yeah, Shes Doing Some Shopping"

On Another Part Of The Island
"YOU WHAAAAAATTTTTTT" Shouted Bowser At Baby Bowser
"I Missplaced All Our Money" Said A Whimpering Baby Bowser
"YOU STUPID *******"
"Sier, I Think We Can Make Some Money By Enslaving Yoshis & Selling Them" Said Baby Bowser
"Silence, I Think We Can Make Some Money By Enslaving Yoshis & Selling Them" Said Bowser
"But Thats Wha-" Baby Bowser Began
"SILENCE" Shouted Bowser



Thats Just My Intro

it isnt too bad, but there are soe points you could use improvement. i say this to help, not annoy. for one, the phrase, "shouted at baby bowser" try, "bowser shouted, glaring at baby bowser."

O Ok

LOL! Bowser is one brick shy of a full load, that's for sure. The only thing thicker than his shell is his head! XD lol. Good fic so far. The only thing I don't like is that you capitalize every word :\

Part 2 Momoshi's Dissapearance

"Hm... Mom should be home by now" Luashi said to herself getting off the computer chair, going to the fridge to get a can of coke. "Where could she be, its been exactly 3 hours. She normally takes 2 hours & 59 minutes, something must be wrong"

On the part of the island where Bowser & his minions are
"You let me go you nasty... Thing." Momoshi said locked up in a cage.
"IM THE KOOPA KING YOU INSIGNIFICANT YOSHI" Bowser yelled into Luashi's mom's ear
"Im just here mister King of whatever" Momoshi mumbled to herself.

Bowser started walking over two the mameframe computer of his base. "Sier, i have pinpointed every yoshi on the island" said a koopa troopa. "Howcome theres only 1?" Asked Bowser looking at the computer
"No sier, ive got it set at the map of the whole world" Said the koopa
"Well thats gonna do us alot of good isnt it" said Bowser sarcastically "Zoom in"
"Im sorry sir, this map cant" Said the koopa
"WELL WHY THE HELL DID YOU ASK ME OVER HERE IN THE FIRST BLOODY PLACE" Shouted Bowser waking the koopa over the head and sending him soaring out the window "I guess ill have to do this my self" said bowser pressing any button on the keyboard. Then all of a sudden sparks came out of the computer & then all of a sudden the computer blew up "...?" Bowser stood there stunned.

At the supermarket
"Mom, you here" said a worryed Luashi
"Oh did the ikky bitty baby lose her mommykins" Taunted Pyroshi
"O shut the bloody hell up dipshit" Luashi said to Pyroshi
"Well atleast i dont go around the supermarket crying for my mommy" Said Pyroshi
"2 things. Shut. Up" Said Luashi
"Make me"
"Grrrrrrrrr" said Luashi walking off

Back at Bowsers Base
"...?" Bowser is still standing in the same spot then he finnally realises "Oh" Bowser starts walking over to one of his children "HOW DARE YOU RUIN OUR COMPUTER YOU BLOODY IDIOT" Bowser shouted at his son
"Soory sier, I wont do it again, I promise" Whimpered Baby Bowser
"I really, you were the one that broke it you big meanie" Said Momoshi to Bowser
"YOU DARE TO QUESTION MY AUTHORITY" Shouted Bowser glaring at Momoshi
"What authority"
"GRRRR, THATS IT" Shouted Bowser grabbing an air tank "Time for you to go to bed" Said Bowser putting the knock out mask over Momoshi's head "I just have to twist this nob" said Bowser twisting one of the nobs on the gas tank
"Um, sier you twisted the wrong nob" Said Baby Bowser
"Oh ****" said Bowser fainting from the gas. Everyone in the room exept for Momoshi started faiting from the gas comming out of the **** of the gas tank.



Thats the end of part 2, hope u liked it

did anyone like it

Bowser is a dumbass XD lol

yeah, i was orriginally going to make him smart but then i realised that dumb was the way to go

it wasn't bad. i am known for giving out improvement suggestions though... wamt me to continue that with you?

Part 3 Revenge Of The Bowser

"Ouch my aching head" said Bowser waking up from the gasleak
"Ouch my aching head" said Baby Bowser
"HOW DARE YOU TWIST THE WRONG BLOODY NOB ON THE GAS TANK, DIPSHIT" Bowser roared at Baby Bowser
"Im sorry daddy, i wont do it again" Whimpered Baby Bowser
"FOR THE LAST FUCKIN' TIME DONT CALL ME DADDY" Shouted Bowser spitting on Baby Bowser
"Sorry sier, I wont do it again, I swear" Said the poor tiny Koopa Prince
"DONT BLOODY SWEAR, I HATE FUCKIN' SWEARERS" Shouted Bowser
"No offence sier but" Baby Bowser takes a giant gulp "You swear. Please dont hurt" said Baby Bowser curling up into a ball((what i do when confronted by danger))
"I HATE YOU, GO TO YOUR FUCKIN ROOM YOU LITTLE *****" Bowser shouted whilst glaring at his son
"OK" Siad Baby Bowser running off to his room
"OK, now to start gathering Yoshis" Said Bowser

Over at the super market
"Ok, time to do a little shopping" said a pink yoshi walking up to the revolving doors "K, I just need to get" The Yoshi said walking through the doors "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO"((This Is That High Pitch Noise Yoshi Makes When He Falls In The Mario Party Games)) The Yoshi had fallen through a hole in the floor.
"Great plan sier" said a koopa trooper to Bowser as the Yoshi fell into a cage next to Momoshi
"Why thankyou little minion, back to work" said Bowser as the koopa went back to work snaging yoshis in traps

At Pyroshi's Place
"Hurry up, when your finished wiping my shoes you can wipe my other shoes" Pyroshi was on a little throne while yoshis of all the colours of the rainbow were doing his chores then all of a sudden the yoshis grouped togeather in the one and floor gave way sending all the yoshis falling through pipes all the way to Bowser's base making them fall into the one cage getting squashed" OH ****" shouted Pyroshi. At this time Luashi was walking past Pyroshi's house when sheheard a giant crash
"WTF WAS THAT" she shouted running to the door of Pyroshi's house & opening it "HOLY ****" all the floor had given way & the only bit left was the throne & Pyroshi kneeling on top of it scared shitless, all of a sudden the bit of wall conneced to the throne collapsed causing the throne & pyroshi to fall "NOOOOOOOOOOO" shouted Luashi jumping to save Pyroshi, she caught him "C'moooooooon" Said Luashi struggling to do wall kicks of the wall, she grabbed the ledge of the floor "Get up there" she said throwing Pyroshi up onto the floor "Im slipping" she said while trying to get her second hand up onto the edge, all of a sudden the roof above where Luashi was clinging gave way & rocks started falling "ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH"


Thats The End Of Part 3, Hope You Like It

it was alright... needs improvments.

siad= wrong
said= correct

sier= wrong
sir= correct

TestVirus101: i am by no means trying to offend you, but is spelling really the way to go? maybe his spellcheck is as disfunctional as yours, as i haven't seen perfection with you either. example... the word improvEments... sorry to point it out.

JirachiX: Not bad, but id still like to see some detailed speech. instead of "snarled at baby bowser," try "snarled, glaring at baby bowser."

Chaotic: post deleted
Jirachi: Time for my true say. I feel that on top of everything, you need more explanation.

... ok, i actually do agree with the more explanation Jirachi, but dont sweat it, as more detail is my cathphrase. i say it to myself when im writing anything.
As for the other part, just out of curiousity... which post? i... dont see any missing posts...

{{your double post))

As he said, don't sweat it, we all need more detail, their is no end to detail.

((oh, thank you.))

yes, there are several times when i am writing, or even rping when i try to fit in more than i started with to make it better or more interesting.

True, I have once made a chapter that's sole purpose was to add more emotion to a character, which led to more detail in the following chapters than beofre.

yes, well done... i think we are beginning to spam this thread a tad... i will stop posting here until JX has returned.

thx
Part 4 A New Yoshi

"AARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH" Luashi sceamed waiting for the impact, but there was no impact, she looked up, Pyroshi was holding up the boulder with his bare hands
"Here, take my hand" said Pyroshi struggling to keep the boulder above his head whilststerching his hand out to save Luashi from falling into darkness
"Got it" said Luashi thrusting her arm up to grab Pyroshi's hand "Throw the rock & pull me up" Pyroshi threw the boulder into the darkness & pulled Luashi up "You saved me" said Luashi admiring Pyroshi's bravery
"It was nothing, if you hadnt saved me, i wouldnt of been able to save you" said Pyroshi with a redder tinge on his already red skin
"Your blushing" giggled Luashi
"Errr, no im not" said Pyroshi with his face going even more red
"Hehehe" Luashi giggled then all of a sudden she kissed Pyroshi. Pyroshi's face went the reddest it cood go, then he fellover backwards fainting

At Bowsers Base
"Huh, what was that" said Bowser hering rattling in the pipe where Yoshi's fall through "Minions, check the pipes" said Bowser pointing to the pipes on the roof of the base, a koopa trooper ran over and started waking it with a broom all of a sudden a boulder fell out squishing the koopa "...? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, thats HILARIOUS" shouted Bowser cracking up laughing

10 minutes later
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA thats so funny, OK now where was I" Bowser walks over to a koopa staring at him "YOU DIDNT NEED TO LAUGH FOR SO BLOODY LONG, IT WASNT THAT BLOODY FUNNY" Shouted Bowser Uppercutting the koopa sending him flying through the roof

30 minutes later
"ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed the koopa flying through the mark he left when Bowser uppercutted him slamming onto the ground "Ouch my achi-" the koopa began
"GET BACK TO WORK NOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW" Screamed Bowser into the koopa's ear
"O" said the koopa fainting on the spot
"GRRRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH" shouted Bowser grabbing the koopa like a javelin throwing him out the window & sending him halfway across the globe

At Luashi's place
"I dont think your place would be good for you at the moment sinse your renovating" thought Luashi "Oh, a shooting star" she said thinking the koopa that Bowser threw was a shooting star "Hang on, dont shooting stars only appear at night, oh well, who gives a f***, not me" said Luashi kissing Pyroshi on the fore head, this woke him up



Hope you like Part 4
((note, with the titles of each part im taking the names from the star wars titles))

"Got it" said Luashi thrusting her arm up to grab Pyroshi's hand "Throw the rock & pull me up" Pyroshi threw the boulder into the darkness & pulled Luashi up "You saved me" said Luashi admiring Pyroshi's bravery

you saved me seems like an understatement here the way you built up the paragraph. try adding a bit more description to the speech, but its pretty good.