Fan Fiction Academy

Ah, the wise choice my friend. I'm still not sure why, but it was the wiae choice nonetheless...

I just chose it so then I could tell what I need to improve on.

Oh, yeah! THAT's why it's the wise choice. It was on the tip of my tounge... XD XD

You're clinically insane. =P

And OK screen, but I'm going to do it tomorrow. I can't rate optimumly at 1am lol. Night guys.

Was that insult towards Gigarookie or me?

It wasn't directed at you, and it wasn't an insult lol.

Anyway, paragraph rating...

I like it, it's stylish, and it's also rather polished.

Just a few points, actually...

1. I really enjoyed the property personification, where you, and I quote, wrote:

"God, doesn't this house have some damn food?"

Very good imagery - makes you believe the house its own separate entity, and a useless tool that provides only boredom and a succinct lack of fun for the less mature.

2. The television reference worked well. A typical child would sit there after school and watch the television for visual and audial stimulation, and you recognised this, which is great. Point one of decent writing is getting your characters into the correct persona to make the most of them, and the viewing of electronic devices does this effectively. Just beware, to be fussy, of the side issue of cliches - I'd have personally had him surfing the net just to break the mould, but nevertheless, good personification.

3. Additionally, the fact that a child would whine about hunger was shown by you, rather than just you scribing that the child was hungry and then forgot about it. An immature being would indeed utilise repitition for greater effect, when in reality, it only serves to purposely bug your caregiver.

4. Felix - random name choice? I would personally analyse my names, because to the trained eye, Felix is not only an uncommon name, but a rather intellectual and wealthy one too - neither of which a child who is currently nutritionally famished would be acquainted with. Unless there's some need to make a character special, stick to basic names, like... Matthew, or Jamie.

5. I liked the way you explored the grammar of the child; it wasn't too adventurous, as a child's wouldn't be, but it served a purpose. Another good part to your character analysis.

6. Finally, a few spelling points, just because I'm all about improvement. =P Nothing major, just a few minor tweaks.

I tend to use "oh" instead of "o", "television" or at least "TV" for "t.v" and because God's a person and therefore a noun (although I don't believe in the guy myself, but each to their own), his name begins with a capital letter.

Overall, that was an extremely good effort, and thank you for your contribution dear boy. *Gives gold star* Lol. =D

"It wasn't directed at you, and it wasn't an insult lol."

Heck yeah! That's one of the best compliments a Phonepost lovin' freak like me could get! lol

Oh yea! A gold star. *takes the star from SZ with pride* Now where the hell is everybody else?

I ish here! But first I'd like to mention that I don't think kids of 6 or 7 are using "God" and "damn," so I'm going to go without.

The child got up, pausing the game and leaving the controller sitting in his seat. He wandered about the house, wondering vaguely if there was any food in the kitchen. After roaming for a few minutes, he decided to go check. In the kitchen, he found empty cupboards, trash that needed taking out, and dishes that needed washing. After completing the chores, his stomach growled. Now he wondered with a firey thought if anyone had any food, and he searched the house. Five sisters, just after Halloween, of course there should be something to eat, right? He found absolutely nothing. "They're getting good at hiding their goods," he muttered as he returned to his videogame.

It's about time someone else turned in thier paragraph.

I'm sorry, I just haven't been on here for a while...

*Reluctantly does 2 hour detention.*

Thinks : That was child abuse... She kicked me! She actually kicked me! Oh well... *Does work in dentention.*

Bob Johnson, who was quite fond of his food, was playing on his PS2 and was getting quite hungry, this distracted his performance and got a 'Game Over.'
"GOD DAMN! NOT AGAIN! This game's uber hard..." Reluctantly, putting the controll pad down, he moved to his door, onto the land and went down the stairs into the living room, he saw, not to mention hear his dad sleeping, and snoring., who was drunk sleeping on the couch.
"Mum must've kicked him out the room... Nothin' new with his snoring." Bob tip-toed his way through the living room into the kitchen, even though he knew full well his dad wouldn't wake up from him walking, let alone when he's drunk. Bob go to the door into the kitchen and found a big shadow.
"JESUS CHRIST!" Bob instinctivly flicked the light switch and it was none other than his cousin, Michael Fletcher, he forgot he heard him come in not 5 minutes ago.
"You OK?" His cousin, Michael enquired.
"What do you think, you scared the damn bi-gizes outta me!!" Bob barked at him. "What where you doing in the dark anyway?" Bob asked, a little calmer now.
"Oh, sorry about your "Bi-gezes" Bob. And not much, just testing a new torch I got." Michael then brandished the torch in front of Bob. "Shall I flash it in dad's face?" Michael queried.
"Nah, he'll only get ******... Well he already is, but you get the idea." Bob replied. Bob then walked pasted Michael to the fridge,groaning. "Nothing..." He walked over to the cupboards and examined the insides of them. "Nothing! We don't have any damn food! What happened to it all?!" Bob, out of frustration, slammed the doors shut. "Do we have any food at all?!"
"I don't think so, you hungry?" Michael asked with a calm voice.
"Only bloody famished!" Bob said, his anger rising again. "You got any money? I'll order pizza." Bob said, turning around to make some coffee.
"No..." Michael said with a sneer in his voice, he slowly stalked apon Bob and pulled out a survival knife. He started thrashing at Bob's throat. After Bob's corpse collapsed to the floor, he romoved his face, which turned out to be a rubber mask, Michael then smuggled Bob's corpse into a closet... To join the real Michael Fletcher!

That was... original?

One thing that I'm noticing is that everybody is tending towards three important factors that were in SC2's paragraph that is being repeated:

1) You ALL have the kid staring at a TV screen, for one reason or another.

2) The child is, in all three acounts so far, a boy. This being said, having a boy in all three limits the child's responce to typically boy behavior.

3) And, with the exception of the_FF_Master, the house is, exept for the child in question, deserted.

SC2, all of these were original in your case, and complemented your work greatly. Because you were the first to post a paragraph, and are therefore not guilty of copying, and so the next paragraph is not directed towards you.


You guys are going through a classic case of too-much-of-a-good-thing. SC2 got a gold star, so you want to be like him, hoping you'll get some brownie points as well. Well, you should re-think this. You're only going to get berated by Holly if all you do is copy someone else's work. Whatever you write (and FFmaster, you didn't have as much of a problem with this) should not be modeled after someone else's writing.

What do you know. It's good to post first.

The only thing I got of SC2's work was the game, but if you took care to notice, I put a LOT more detail into mine. Nut thanks if you like it, it only took about 5-10 minutes. XP

On 09-Nov-2005 Gigarookie said:

That was... original?

One thing that I'm noticing is that everybody is tending towards three important factors that were in SC2's paragraph that is being repeated:

1) You ALL have the kid staring at a TV screen, for one reason or another.

2) The child is, in all three acounts so far, a boy. This being said, having a boy in all three limits the child's responce to typically boy behavior.

3) And, with the exception of the_FF_Master, the house is, exept for the child in question, deserted.

SC2, all of these were original in your case, and complemented your work greatly. Because you were the first to post a paragraph, and are therefore not guilty of copying, and so the next paragraph is not directed towards you.


You guys are going through a classic case of too-much-of-a-good-thing. SC2 got a gold star, so you want to be like him, hoping you'll get some brownie points as well. Well, you should re-think this. You're only going to get berated by Holly if all you do is copy someone else's work. Whatever you write (and FFmaster, you didn't have as much of a problem with this) should not be modeled after someone else's writing.

This muppet's smarter than he looks. =P

My justifications and/or agreements:

1. Well, it IS effective... but originality's good, peeps! =D

2. Empathy dear, empathy. I told them to write to their strengths, and seeing as how they're all men, unless they're transvestites or just plain lying about their sexuality *stares pointedly at James... lol* they're going to know more about the masculine oddballs of the species. =P

3. Why would the child be hungry if his/her folks were in? =P

By the way, he's right - I do need to see your style, not a clone. However, I do realise that all work is original, because we're never going to write exactly the same thing - but try to give me more variation if possible.

And I will rate your paragraphs tomorrow boys. I need some sleep, and I can't judge effectively with my eyes partially closed lol.

Thank you!

Miss Nottingham =P

So you're accusing me of cheating. Why in the world would I want to cheat off a nut named "screencheat2" to get a paragraph I know for sure I can write better? Why would you accuse me, of all people, of cheating? The house is empty, of course, because it wouldn't be food-less if there were any people there. I thought about adding a sister to the paragraph, but there was no way to fit her in. In all accounts, the child has been male because we're males and we know what's inside our minds. If we tried to make the child female, we wouldn't know what's in her head because we don't understand women. The child(ren) was looking at a TV screen because that's what we'd be doing; I playing my GCN, FFM with his PS2, and SC2 with his food channel. What would the kid be doing if not watching/playing TV? Eating? That's what this is about. Doing chores? Yeah right. Reading? A type of geek. Working out? A jock. Would you have rathered me staring him at a computer screen? Not original, really; that's what I'm doing. So playing videogames/watching TV is the only real opportunity to get us out into the characters.

And I'd like to say that I said all that without cracking any emotion on my face. Possibly a bit in my voice, but my face remained expressionless. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be having dinner.

Hey! My name is not a nut name! And not to go off topic and all, but Joslifer, POST in the freaking RP ACADEMY!

1. How do you cheat off a screen? Strike one.
2. Thank you for spelling my name right.
3. Be patient, I'm going.

Holly called me a muppet! K00l! Another one for my resume'...