jokes

yeah i got bored after my last topic (blonde jokes) got shut down becouse people complained(stuff them)


yeah so if any1 has any good jokes about anything (even blondes)

all i can say is if u get offended by jokes of any kind dont come in here

P.S. no racism please (i cant stop u though)

thank u

(no blonde jokes please)

ok hey i dont mean these jokes there funny

A drunk man walks into a bar and ask's for a toothpick and then walks out, the barman thought this was weird but then again he was drunk.
Then another drunk man walks in and ask's for a toothpick, the barman is very confused this time, but he gives him a toothpick and the drunk man walks out.
Then a third drunk man walks in, so the barman gets out another toothpick, but the drunk man says, "no, i wont a straw", the barman says "why a straw" and the drunk man goes "because my friend was sick and all the lumpy parts are gone"

thats good heres 1

Great Loss

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."

lol.that last 1 woz good,but i got none sorry.

oh, thats good, ive gotta tell my dad that one, haha...

really good for my opinion

had to go for a second here are some more


A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a
small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old
Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man,
"Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the
three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old
as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted
to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of
him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored
her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her
room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to
his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw
a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the
boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did
so, he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already
getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was
better than castration he jumped out of the window after the
boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign
on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."




Theres a post at the border of Mexico and the USA. The guy there is named Bob, he always does his job as usual but one day something weird happens. There?s a 15 yr old boy on a bike with two bags filled up. Bob stops him and asks him to open it up and look for drugs he finds nothing but sand! He decides to look at the sand in his labratory, and finds nothing! He then gets new bags and puts the sand in them and lets him pass. This starts to continue every day for about 5 yrs. Then one day the teenager was coming again and Bob couldn't take it. He goes up to the kid and says that he can't take it not knowing what he's smuggling and he is going to die if he doesn't find out, so he asks what he's smuggling? And the kid says bikes





The US Army decided that it has too many high paid generals so they decided to retire 3 of the oldest generals. The 3 generals went to the training hall. There they were told that they were being retired and for their termination pay they would get $100,000 per inch from the distance of one said body part to the second said body part (i.e. from "HEAD" to "TOE").

The first general said okay lets get this over with. He said measure me from head to toe. He walked out with a wad of money. The second general said measure me from my arms outstretched above my head. the second general walks out with an even bigger wad. The third and final general walks in with a look of vengeance. "All right, measure me from the top of my head down to my *ahem* balls *ahem*." The medical officer looked at him and said, okay, remove your boxers, but you're not gonna get much outa that. the officer started up his at the guys head and started down. All of a sudden when he gets to the *umm* region he gasps. SIR! where are your Balls?!

The grizzled general says: "In Vietnam"

that chinese torture one was on www.killsometime.com

all very funny, especially the first one, i feel sorry for the dude

the chinese torture one was also on jokes.com

i got it at freds corner.com

here r some more

The Parrot

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching him go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"



Lawyers'' Lucky Break

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.




Just Keep Drinking!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, ?Quick pour me twelve drinks.?
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, ?Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.?

The guys says, ?Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.?

The bartender says, ?What've you got??

The guy says, ?75 cents





John Wayne meets a Chinese Guy

One Day, a man walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The Chinese man gives him the beer. The guy spits it out screaming "This Beer Tastes like ****!" The Chinese guy shouts "Me Chinese, Me do trick, me do pee-pee in your drink." The guy gets disgusted and leaves. Then, John Wayne walks into the bar. He orders a beer. The same thing happens to him and the Chinese guy still goes "Me Chinese. Me do trick. Me do pee-pee in your drink" Then, John Wayne pulls out his trusty revolver and chants "Me John Wayne. Me shoot fast. Me put bullet up your ***!"




A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

American: "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Canada." The American has a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Canadian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
Canada."

The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big
smirk.

Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to America."

On 22-Mar-2005 FunkychicK said:

thank u

(no blonde jokes please)

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:O

little johny goes up to his father and askes "daddy, is god a boy or a girl?" and his dad says "well son, god is a boy and a girl." then later little johnny goes up to his dad again and asks "daddy, is god black or white?" and his dad says "god is black and white" then a few seconds later little johnny says "daddy is god micheal jackson?"

ok thats a stupid one lol i couldnt think of anything else

^lol

lol

^why is everyone so mean to michael jackson...

becouse his nose is like a skijump u no

so people are mean to him because of his deformed nose, if he wasent famous nobody would care yanno, famous people are so degraded, does nobody care that he used to be the king of pop?