Fiction: The shadow clan

Rate my Fiction: 1-10

CEZ: do not post if you're gonna be compaqring it to you'rs because
Im sick of your bragging.

I realise that so far the chapters are really short...


The Shadow Clan
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Backround info: The peaceful town of Rangar protected by the sacred guardian and the warriors of light are shaken one day when a huge explosion destroys the town gate. They wonder who did this
and who would want to.

Characters: Aura:
Weapon: The Guardian's blade.
Description: The guardian of Rangar
Skully:
Weapon: Dark Spear.
Description: An ancient being ressurected by the Shadow Clan and out of their control
Boss:
Weapon: Morning star
Description: The leader of the shadow clan.
Greg Freeze:
Weapon: Ice Spear
Description: A warrior of light who can make ice or turn into it. He's famous for stopping global warming.
Fran Flame:
Weapon: Flame sword
Description: A warrior of light who can generate fire she's famous for stopping a group of ice warriors.
Geoff Plant:
Weapon: Wood Pike
Description: A warrior of light who can make plants etc. he's famous for generating tons of oxygen.
Walter Water:
Weapon: Water whip
Description: A warrior of light who can generate water he's famous for stopping many droughts in rangar.
The Shadow Clan: The average member carries a Longsword
The Warriors of light: The greatest warriors in all of rangar
SOLGER: Aura's soilders.

note: * means some time later or # means differant location

Chapter 1. Investigating the blast.
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Aura: What was that!
Solger: I'll go check it out sir.
*
Solger: Sir all these men in black robes seem to have blown that wall up.
Aura: And why do you think that?
Solger: Because their killing and looting villagers!
Aura: What!! time to teach them a lesson!
Solger: How sir? their is to many of them!
Aura: Get you're men to hold them of while I call the Warriors of Light!
Solger: Yes sir.

Chapter 2. The Shadow Clan
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Aura: Solgers protect the villagers the Warriors of light will take care of them.
Solgers: Sir yes sir!!
Aura: Whoever you are prepare to fall against the WARRIORS OF LIGHT!
#
note shadow clan soldiers are shadow or shadows

Shadow: Boss what are the WARRIORS OF LIGHT?
Boss: Only the strongest warriors Rangar has to offer.
Shadow: so their nothing to worry about?
Boss: oh no you should be dead worried.

Chapter 3. THE WARRIORS OF LIGHT
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Aura: stand down men their here
Solgers: Yes sir.
Greg Freeze: we're all here
Aura: thank...god...look
All warriors of light: hmm...who are they?
Greg Freeze: Hang on I know them their the Shadow clan!
Aura: The what?
All WARRIORS OF LIGHT: The Shadow Clan....
Fran: Not....them...
Walter: They steal all the water for themselves
Geoff: They cut down all the forests
Aura: Wait I think my father told me about them...
Solger: Rich kid....sheltered from all life's problems
Aura: What the hell are you talking about my father was poor I got by, stealing and begging.
Solger: I'm sorr..
Aura: Shut up!!
Greg: Ha Ha Ha !!!!!
Fran: Oh shutup!! leave the poor guy alone he made a terrible mistake
Walter: Oh let Greg have his fun
Greg: Yeah!!!
Geoff: Look forget it let's just get down there an take care of the Shadow clan
Aura: I agree with Geoff get down there.....NOW!!!
All warriors of light: Yes sir...........Spoiled brat!!
Aura: WHAT!!
Warriors of light: We said you're a spoiled brat!!
Solgers: oh know...
Aura: Just!!....just..get....down there...

Chapter 4. Get out of Rangar
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Greg: Take that!! [freezing them and shattering them]
Fran: AHH!!![As she burned them to death]
Walter: BOOYAH!![as he drowned them]
Geoff: DIE!![as he choked them with vines]
#
Aura: Help me they've made it up here!!
Solger#1: DIE!!
Solger#2: You're going down!!
Solger#3: Help over here!!
Solger#4: On it!!
Aura: Come on your my bodyguards...my finest men...this should be small fry!![As he killed 20 Shadows]
Solger#5: Sorry I'm late!![As He cracked 40 shadows skulls]
Solger#6: Sorry he killed you all!![Talking to dead shadows with a smile on his face]
Solger#7: Hey sorry my little bro was talking to this woman he saved
Solger#8: No I wasn't I was just killing shadows[He said blushing]
Aura: oh..you're all here now...
All#Solgers: SORRY SIR!!
Aura: Don't be stupid I was just saying...
Aura: The Warriors of light are pretty extended tell all idle solgers to get down there...
All#Solgers: Sir...Yes Sir!!!
Aura: This could get tough...

Chapter 5. Run!!
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Boss: We may have to release Skully
Shadow: Are...you sure?
Boss: Are you questioning me?
Shadow: Uh..n..o...
Boss: Kill him!!
Shadow: But sir... he's my brother
Boss: Kill both of them John
John: But there my cousins...
Boss: Is anyone else here related to them
[Several raise their hands]
Boss: Peter...you're not related...kill all related to them...
Peter: But their my best friends...
Boss: .............THAT'S IT!!!!..i'll kill you all myself
*
Boss: There!! done!
Shadow: Sir they were the only reinforcments!!...
Boss: How are we then?....
Shadow: .......not...good
Boss: hmm..alright release Skully!!
Shadow: ...but..but...he's out of our control...
Boss: Open the cage an flee call everyone back, were leaving...this is all but a lost cause...
Shadow: Sir yes sir!!
*
opening the cage, the shadows surrounding it died....

Chapter 6. Skully...
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Aura: There fleeing....everyone up here now...
*
Aura: Victory!!
Solgers: Victory!!
All#Solgers: Ye..Ha!!!
All Warriors of light: Yes!!
Aura: Huh?....Um...what's that?
Greg: It looks like somebody...
[Fran looks over]
[Fran falls silent, stark white]
Fran: ...Oh[sob]...No[sob]
Greg: Huh?
Fran: The...demon..Skully.....
Greg: Isn't he with the Shadow clan?
Walter: They ressurected him but he's out of there control...
Geoff: But..but..they locked him up!!
Greg: Looks like they let him out to go and get us!!
#
Skully: I must Kill the Boss!!
Skully: Maybe...he up there....[Pointing to Rangar]
Skully: If he not...I kill everyone anyway...
#
Aura: I heard of him, off my father, he said to get everyone onto the major airship and get out of here.
Aura: Greg...Fran...Walter...Geoff...there's no room In the ship
Fran: Don't worry....
Greg: We'll take care off Skully
Walter: I'll back you up
Geoff: I'm with you...
Fran: Not..me!!
Aura: Too.......late....[flying off in ship]
Fran: No!!!

Chapter 7. Big Bang
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Aura: Will...they be ok...
Solger: We must...blow them up to kill Skully
Aura: No!!!
Solger: we...we...must
Aura: No!!!
Solger: but...sir..we'll all die
Aura: o...ok...
Solger: uh...sir...we'll give them 10 more minutes
Aura: ....Good
#
Greg: Freeze!!
[nothing happens to Skully]
Fran: Burn!!
[no effect]
Walter: Drown!!
[Skully drinks It]
Geoff: Suffocate!!
[Skully rips them off]
Skully: I must admit you are powerful warriors.....But!! Here's my story
Skully:
I lived 1000 years In the past where everyone fought constantly... I trained to reach my peak and destroyed all but five cities on this island before being captured and then the Shadow clan ressurected me 10 years ago and kept me in captivity... but they let me out to kill you and before I kill them I will kill you!!
Greg: Figures...
Skully: huh?
Greg: They all say that!!...Ha Ha Ha!!!
Greg,Fran,Walter,Geoff: Ha Ha Ha !!!!!!!
Skully: Time to die!!
#
Aura: Oh..no
Solger: ...Sorry sir....
Aura: It's...okay
Solger: ........................................F...............F...i..re.....
[Big Bang]

Chapter 8. Aftermath
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[The dust settles]
Aura: Skully better be gone..!!!
Solger: .....uh...sir...
Aura: .....No!!!!!!
Solger: ...y..y..es
Aura: he's alive isn't he?
Solger: Yes...
Aura: And the warriors of light?
Solger: I can't see them....
Aura: they must have gotten out of the way then...
Solger: Um...yeh..sir
Aura: oh..shut..uh
Solger: huh?
Aura: you're....right
Solger: Sir....
Aura: I can't believe it...
Solger: uh..sir..forget what I said
Aura: I won't, you're probaly right anyways
Solger: Sir, their the warriors of light!!
Aura..you're....right!!
Solger: they must be alive!!
Aura: I give them an 85% chance of living...
Solger: I'll take that bet
Solger#1,#2,#6: So you're betting on their lives?
Aura: No...it's an investment
Solgers: Ha Ha ...right!!
Aura: It is!![holding in a smile]
#
Greg: Um...am I alive?
Fran: Yes...
Walter: why do you guys always hang around each other hey?
[smiles]
Fran: Shutup!!![Blushes]
Greg: Yeh!![Blushes]
Geoff: how will it work?
Walter: huh?
Geoff: I mean Fire and Ice
Walter: you're right I mean think of the children!!
Fran,Greg: SHUTUP!![blushes]
*
All warriors of light: Oh..no..It's Skully....

Chapter 9. Skulls can be broken
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{COMING SOON}

hey man, you have some seriously awesome ideas going there. good creativity, but you need more detail... im not talking about length, but i mean like explaining things to a point where they fully make sense... but i do like it a lot and i hope to see more of it in the future

EDIT: oh, rate on scale of 1-10... ummm... i must rate twice... 9 for creativity, 3 for detail, lets see, that makes your average with me a 6! (not that you value my opinion, lol) anyways, no matter how awesome a work is, and im also talking a bit to you, cez, there is always room for improvement, ok?

thanks man, I no it needs work but um can you explain the detail you want? because I want chapter 9 to be the best

umm, ok... but a lot of people dont seem to like criticism, so your not going to be sad or offended, right?

no man I want this to be the best I don't plan on it being so one line speech for to much longer and I want advice

well like at this part...

Greg: Freeze!!
[nothing happens to Skully] ((what did he want to happen to Skully?))
Fran: Burn!!
[no effect] ((what was the intended effect?))
Walter: Drown!!
[Skully drinks It] ((nice, but you didnt say water appeared, so what did he drink??))
Geoff: Suffocate!!
[Skully rips them off] ((you indicate nothing for him to rip off))

stupid things like that which may seems unimportant to you might confuse a reader, so you migh consider adding cutscenes in between all of the talking... just giving advice, you dont have to take it

for exmple... Greg: Freeze!!
[nothing happens to Skully]....you might turn this into something like....


Greg: Freeze (He shot a strange icy aura at Skully in an attempt to freeze him solid, but it had no affect whatsoever

make sense?

This better?

Chapter 9. Skulls can be broken
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Solger: [spots the warriors of light down below]...OH MY GOD!!
Aura: [scared out of his mind by this sudden announcment] What is it?
Solger#3: Let me look sir...[peers over the edge of the ship, spots the warriors of light]
Solger#3: Sir the warriors of light are down there preparing to fight Skully!!
Solger: [shocked] Guess you won my money sir]
Aura: [looks over] ....Yes I did!!
Aura: Get down there and help them[pointing to all #solgers]
All#Solgers: [look worried] ....do..um...we have to?
Aura: [anger growing on his face]...YES!!
All#Solgers: [stark white with terror]...YES SIR!!
Aura: [looks at them worried]...If you come back It's not sir It's Aura
Solger: [muttering]...Some incentive
Aura: [angered...kills solger] Yes it is...[notices money]...I'll take back my money thankyou!
Aura: [Looks at his bodyguards]...hurry up and get down there...
All#Solgers:[looks at Aura]........S...Sir!!
Aura: [smile grows]....go get em!!
#
Skully: [notices warriors of light]..Ah!...found you!!
All warriors of light: [prepare for battle-enter battle stances] Bring It on!!
{NOTE: entering battle text}

Greg Immedieatly fires a huge blast of ice at Skully, Skully dodges It and fires a huge spiralling blast using his legendary Dark spear-knocking Greg over, Fran then angered goes to her
lover's defence [that's right while Aura was talking they lit it up] she fires a huge blast of fire hitting skully in the face, he then wipes his face and starts to cough. Walter then sends a tidal wave at him " want a drink for that cough " Geoff then laughing due to Walter's comment
sends vine's out of the earth to strangle him he then tears them off in anger. He charges at Fran who started It all with her fire blast and screams " I'm going to turn you inside out!! " Greg then awake fires his most powerful Ice blast " Cold tornado " this then Freezes Skully sucsessfully and Fran fires a powerful fire move at Skully's frozen corpse " Molten Blast!! "
It has no effect and the warriors of light then grab Skully's frozen corpse and cart it back to the cave and put It back into It's holding cell.

Greg: whew!! [looking winded]
[the airship then comes down and picks the warriors of light]
Aura: welcome back [looking relieved]
Greg: good to be ba..
Solger: SIR!! [looking worried]
Aura: What? [looking confused]
Solger: Skully's escaped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Chapter 10. Preperations
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{Coming soon}

that was MUCH better... but you dont NEED to have a [satement] with every single speech, it just makes it more interesting... the paragraph begiinning with, greg immediatley fired... that was awesome detail... if you tryed adding slightly more of that, it might improve the setting... one other thing, but this is just a judgement call... you dont need to have a character say things trwice in a row, for ex,,

Aura: [looks over] ....Yes I did!!
Aura: Get down there and help them[pointing to all #solgers]

this might sound more smooth if you said something along the lines of...

aura: ..... yes i did!! [looks over at all #solgers and points at them] you, get down there and help them!

but that last part is up to you... hope to see more soon!

yeh might not see the awesome detail just yet the next chapter is strictly oral before a big fight chapter....

well, still, good job here, and i cant wait to see fight scene with awesome detail

First, please don't talk about me behind my back. Second, I'll rate this 5 out of 10, and that's because I'm being generous. The things that Chaotic pointed out earlier spring to mind. Not bad for originality, but you need to do more than just post a script. And I didn't even mention Chaos Series in that review. Oh, damn.

first, how can we talk about you behind your back in an open forum where you can check it? second... oh my god, you actually agreed with my review... im scared...lol, but seriously, Cez has a point (for once or twice, [joke]) about the script, that is kinda what i meant by add detail. ill say it again, you have awesome ideas you just need to present them a little bettere

I hope this is better

i have no intention of talking behind your back cez i'll say it to your computer screen every time.

Chapter 10. Preperations
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Aura: Forget about Skully we have bigger problems!!
All warriors of light: Nothing's bigger than Skully that guy just won't quit[looking distressed]
Aura: The shadow clan are our biggest problem
Solger#5: I think not!
Greg: I agree with that guy! [looking scared]
Fran: Greg...[looking sad]
Greg: What?
Fran: give him a break[pointing to Aura]..we'll get rid of the Shadow clan first
Greg: O..ok
Walter: Ha Ha Ha!!!!
Geoff: What's so funny?[looking puzzled]
Walter: she has this power over him[pointing to Greg]
Geoff: Ha Ha Ha!!!!
Greg: She does not[flustered and angry]
Fran...ha ha...[giggling]...I do don't I!
Greg: You do not[quite angry]
Fran: Oh I was just joking honey...
Aura: Look let's just forget about It and get ready for the battle against the Shadow clan
Greg: Here here!![smiling]
Fran: changing the subject..[smiling]
Geoff: look let's forget about It for now let's listen to what Aura has to say[talking seriously]
Aura: Ok here's what to do[put's finger on holographic map of forest] Greg, Fran you take the rear entrance to the cave, Geoff, Walter you take the front. Bodyguards you come with me and we'll go in from the top. All you men[pointing to normal Solgers] when I give the 'word' you'll go in from all available entrances understand?
Greg: Yes
Fran: Yes
Geoff: Yes
Walter: Yes
All#solgers: Sir yes Sir!!
Aura: what about you guys?[looking at normal solgers]
Solgers: SIR!!
Aura: Good...let's rock and roll!![huge smile on face]
*
Greg, Fran: A-team In position...
Aura: Good
Walter, Geoff: B-team In position
Aura: Good were In position to..
*
Aura:Ok boys let's get In there, all of you!![very serious]

Chapter 11. Shadows only shine In the sun
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{Coming soon}

there was some improvement there, and the chapter title is intriguing, i cant wait to see it

Thanks my cousins love some of my titles too, here's the new one I wrote tonight.


Chapter 11. Shadows only shine In the sun
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[The men all charge through]
*
Aura: I'm gonna kill you all!!
All warriors of light: You're all going down!!
All#Solgers: we'll protect you boss
Aura: [smirking] there's no need for that
[laughs all around]
Aura: WHAT!![furious]
Solgers: Bring It on Shadow clan!
Shadows: we will!! oh we will!![smirks]


Greg fired huge blasts of Ice at a group of shadows freezing them, then he shattered them with his spear. Fran immediatly sprung into action and repeatedly used her fire technigues " Burn! "
" Burn! " " Burn! ". Geoff and the bodyguards came in next with Geoff holding them with vines while the bodyguards came In and peirced the shadows chests killing them In an instant, painless death. Then Walter came In and flooded the reinforcments coming in from behind Rangar's ranks.
Next In from Rangar's forces was the legendary guardian who swore to protect them...Aura!![yes where all suprised he's fighting] he comes in with his Guardian's blade " Celestial stike!! " His ultimate move was on it's way as it's power grew when this manouver was used, 'Celestial strike' eliminated all but a few men who the normal Solger's could more than handle. With all the shadow's gone they decided to make a battle plan for the next load of them.


NOTE: All#solgers are now reffered to as bodyguards- bodyguard #1 etc.
Aura: Get over here guys[sounding tired]
All Bodyguards: Sir how many were lost?
Aura: I have no idea...[saddened]
Greg: Well what's our plan?
Walter: I say we just barge In there!![heroic stance]
Geoff: Fool...[shaking head]
Fran: don't be stupid Walter![frustrated]
Bodyguard#8: I propose we sneak In and eliminate them five or so at a time...
Bodyguard#7: No way little bro..
Aura: All these ideas are great but I have the perfect plan[smiles]...Now listen...
Bodyguard#5: This should be Interesting...
Solger: Yeh...[interested]
Aura: .....Ok...
Aura: First we get Fran to charge In their burning everything, Then Greg and Geoff come In backing her up followed by Walter who'll lead me and my bodyguards In when I give the 'word'
All you men come barging In, swords drawn and back us up so much!![voice tone raises] we'll push them back so far they'll be backing Into Boss's throne....
[Everyone laughs]
Everyone exept Aura: [screaming happliy] Here Here!!!!!!!!
Aura: Let's go get em'!!
*
[Fran approaches the door, starts to open It]

Chapter 12. Reinforcments
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{COMING SOON}

I'll have the next one probaly by tommorow or by monday night.

When I said talking about me behind my back, I meant talking about me in a thread I am unlikely to read. Don't do it again, mkay? The latest chapter ain't bad, but again, more description is needed.

If your a mod you should be reading It to see If there is any rules broken and yes I'm working on detail