Birth of Oblivion

Sorry that I didn't post much I was in a rush before.
Anyway I can't beleive Maas has mutated, didn't think that would happen.
And as for Vygrey, I think he might go a bit mental when he sees Maas, and this Master, does he really know the answers to Maas' questions?

Now it just sounds like a TV advert.

And will this next chapter be posted before everyone forgets the storyline? Find out soon.

Lol, in the words of retarded cartoon characters...he made a funny!
Anyways can't wait as usual but for now I have to go, I have to go to school.

On 22-May-2007 Cataclysm said:

Now it just sounds like a TV advert.

And will this next chapter be posted before everyone forgets the storyline? Find out soon.

If it's not posted before Thursday email it to me. If I ever get the chance to sneak online it won't be for long so I'll have to print an' run.

You're slick, Tom. Getting me to agree to review your fic before I discover how incredibly long it is.

Honestly, I think the length might be the reason why you're not getting so many readers. Not that long chapters are bad, most novels havel onger chapters than any fic here. But some people prefer short ones. Don't let it bother you.

So, from my understanding, you're basically looking for someone to butcher your fic. To be perfectly honest, though, you're really not a bad writer at all. Just with a glance at your chapter length, it's easy to see that you don't rush and you try to put a lot of thought in it. Main issues I notice are little things that pretty much everybody gets mixed up on from time to time. Grammatatical issues, punctuation, capitalization... insignificant things.

?Curious.? Maas answered in frustration. ?And I want answers.?

Correctly formatted...

?Curious,? Maas answered in frustration. ?And I want answers.?

-OR-

?Curious,? Maas answered in frustration, ?and I want answers.?

Little things like that which aren't gravely important. Granted, I saw a LOT of issues very similar to this one, but still. If, for whatever reason, you need a list, I'd suggest reading throughi t yourself, because you've made that same - very tiny - mistake with a lot of your dialog.

One thing I admire is your ability to persist with writing despite having a very limited audience. Makes me think you genuinely enjoy writing, which is a major plus that some people around here don't have.

One thing I see is a mistake that I'm very picky about because I used to make it a lot: Lack of realism. I know it sounds absurd coming from someone whose fic is based on dark light and such, but that really isn't what I mean. To me, realistic quality depends on two things: 1, how life like the situations are, and 2, how life like the reactions are to the situations. In other words, giving the characters realistic reactions to unrealistic events. For example, it's not likely that you'll see a werewolf in real life. But if you did, you'd probably be scared shitless. Your reaction wouldn't likely be "let's get it", you'd be more like "Holy hell, let's get the hell out of here!" This is often a problem when trying to decide howo ne character should react to another. For an example of this sort of thing from your fic...

Maas felt like he was floating. His whole body was swinging side to side. He opened his eyes and was startled by what he saw. Two monk like people were carrying him somewhere. The light of a lantern that a man behind them held burnt his eyes. Perhaps it was best if he didn?t let them know he had awoken. Instead, he squinted his eyes so that he could just about see, but so it looked like he was still asleep.

I understand that it is necessary to be succinct as to not drag on, but to me, it seems like he was amazingly calm when waking up to being carried by random monks.

But again, this is nothing major. I'm sure I still make these little mistakes a lot, too. It helps to try and put yourself in the mind of the character and think "how would I react?"

Brief summary of flaws: Grammar issues, realism.

I'd say it was really good, but you've asked for brutal honesty. I think it's relatively good. Better than that for a first fic. I think there is definate room for improvement. However, I think it has the potential to be come something amazing, so just keep it at. Feel free to argue with my criticism if you feel like having some serious discussion about your fic.

By the way, if everyone sees this and asks for reviews that are this in depth, I'll blame you. :P

« Last edited by Seos san Nekros on Jun 7th 2007 »

I guess I forgot to mention the length. My mistake.

Thanks. At least I know what I need to improve on now. Consider the dialogue fixed from this moment on.

That realism thing really could be a problem. The things I have planned would leave Maas stunned and in a crying heap on the floor if he was to react how I would.

Blame me, and I will blame my parents for raising me that way. It's the perfect excuse.

« Last edited by Cataclysm on Jun 8th 2007 »

Well, then ask yourself "How would I react iff I had the past experiences that Maas has had?" I know, it's exceedingly difficult to these things, I'm not even very good at it. But you wanted brutal honesty, so I'm judging you just like I judge my own fic.

If I did that, Maas would spen the entire fic hiding behind boxes, and instead of trying to help the rest of the world, he would forget it and leave the city.

But really, I get what you mean. Reactions were a bit unrealistic before. That's set to change.

That would have made for an interesting fic.

"And all eyes were on our hero as he shrugged, muttered 'meh' and walked away, leaving the rest of us to suffer the wrath of his enemies..."

Anyway, no worries. I'll look forward to seeing more.

Congratulations on making me laugh for the first time in ages. You win... a new chapter!

Yes, that is right. A new chapter has been posted after a long wait. Here Maas must face up to the greatest danger he has ever encountered, which will emerge towards the end of this short chapter.

Note: No fight scene here. Wait a little longer.



Chapter 11: Praying at the altar

As the four of them walked out into the pitch black labyrinth pathway, the female companion lit a mysterious torch that burned with a furious blue flame. As she did so, others also ignited along the walls, illuminating a narrow path that lead to a spiral staircase. Without saying a word, they each ascended until they reached an even longer corridor, at the end sat two iron doors, similar to those that protected the entrance to the strange place. A chill ran through Maas? spine due to the silence, and all that he could hear was the slow footsteps of everyone around him. His feelings were clearly shown in his blackened face.
?Do you not like the quiet?? Akron asked kindly.
?No.? Maas answered simply. The lack of sound when nobody spoke made him feel completely alone. And he, like any other person, had his fears.
?I find it quite relaxing,? Akron contested. ?It makes a nice change from the uproar at the altar.?
?Uproar? In an altar? That doesn?t seem quite right.? Maas exclaimed, his voice sounding quite puzzled. At this comment, Akron simply laughed.
?You shall see what I mean,? He chuckled. Something was obviously humouring him. ?Tell me Maas, what did you think of the Dark Age??
Before Maas could answer they had arrived at the large entrance. As Akron swung the doors open Maas was almost thrown of his feet by the blast of noise that hit his ears. Thousands of mutated men, women and children were gathered together in an enormous cavern full of stalagmites and quartz. Incomparably loud music was playing and echoing of the walls with the habitants of the hidden civilization screaming along to the lyrics.
?Hot wind in Hell of pain and sorrow, now and ever onwards. We stare into the dawn of a new world.?
?What kind of place is this?? Maas asked in disbelief. ?I thought you said that this was an altar.? He questioned. Akron merely laughed once again.
?It is. But we decided that the normal customs of worship were slightly boring, so we created our own way of prayer.?
?And does this incredibly?. Amazing music have anything to do with who it is you worship??
?Not really. It just keeps everyone?s morals high.? Akron shrugged. Maas stepped into the enormous cave and observed all that was going on. It didn?t seem like anyone was praying or worshipping at all.
?And who is it that you honour with this celebration?? Maas stuttered. Akron slammed the door behind them and turned to face the others that had accompanied them since the Curer?s dungeon.
?Go and search for Captain Echizaro. Then find me and bring him with you.? He ordered before turning to Maas. ?Oh, here we worship the unknown warrior and his allies that saved the planet from total destruction over a millennia ago,? He said, pointing out one of the cavern walls. ?Over there we have a statue of the knight and those that assisted him.?
Maas strained his eyes, but amongst all the people he could not see what Akron was trying to show him.
?Saved the planet from what?? Maas asked curiously. ?From what I?ve been taught, nothing has ever threatened this world in its entire history.? He finished, now raising his voice as they entered the enormous crowd. Akron did the same.
?The Vergals. It?s not like this is the first time that they have invaded. From the information we?ve found. There were just as many Vergals in the world as humans back then. But there is no proof that any of that even existed, because the books we have read also speak of magic and strange beasts. And we all know that magic doesn?t exist. So you see, it?s hard to choose whether you want to believe or not. But, the one described in the books matched the exact appearance of the one in the statue we found here. And why would there even be a statue if that person never even existed??
?So you let them idolize someone who could be all a heap of invented fiction??
?Not even a century ago, humans believed in something called God. In 2010, the religion that followed God, Christianity, became the worldwide religion. Only a few years after, it was thrown aside by the people. All beliefs in a divine entity were forgotten in almost an instant. And as I said, the dispelling of this religion happened not even a century ago. So, if you are asking me if we let people follow a normal person, when the entire race once followed a bearded man in the sky for over 2000 years, then my answer is yes. That is exactly what we do here.?
?But?. Why?? Maas shrugged. He had obviously been defeated by Akron?s verbal contestation.
?It gives everyone here hope. If they believe that long ago the Vergal forces were defeated, then it helps them believe that it may happen again.?
?Wait, if the Vergal invasion only began a few days ago, then why is it that you have been worshipping this man since before that?
?Perhaps you didn?t hear me in the Curer?s dungeon. Vergals have been attacking people here for twenty-seven years. The only difference is that now, they have begun to appear in larger numbers.?
?I see.? Maas answered. He had run out of questions for now, so he would just follow Akron and do as he wished to see how things would turn out. At that moment, the ones that had been sent away returned with Echizaro behind them. The two shook hands before turning to Maas.
?You requested my presence?? Echizaro asked curiously.
?Yes,? Was Akron?s answer. ?Our friend here says that he feels more comfortable speaking to you. Perhaps you should be the one that takes him to see the Master, instead of me.?
?Of course,? He answered happily, taking Maas by the shoulder and leading him out of the bustling crowds of hyped up dancers. ?So Maas, how did it go?? He asked without turning around to look. Instead of answering, Maas removed his hood and grabbed Echizaro?s attention to reveal his half mutated face. His guide stopped in his tracks and sighed.
?That is a rare sight to see. I am sorry. Let us leave this place so that I may show you your room for the night. Oh, and put your hood back up. People are beginning to stare?
Maas looked around and noticed the amount of head turned towards him. But what worried him more was hoe cheerful Echizaro was acting, and how much he wanted to get to the bedroom.
?Am I not supposed to see the Master?? Maas questioned. He didn?t know exactly what was going on, but he knew that he did not like it.
?As I may or may not have said before, he is not present at this moment in time. But come on, let?s hurry up and leave this loud place for somewhere quieter. You need you rest.?
Maas followed him out of the altar into another hallway. The moment Echizaro shut the incredible doors behind them the fear of being alone struck Maas once again. He would have to stay with the suspicious captain for now. He then continued speaking.
?My room is not far from here. You can come in if you want, for a drink, a bite to eat, or perhaps something else.? He offered simply, turning to wait for his decision. Maas stopped and merely stared at Echizaro. Was it normal to want to go to a bedroom so much?
?Maybe you should just show me my room and leave me.? Maas suggested with a hopeful look in his eyes.?
?No, no,? Echizaro contested rapidly. ?We absolutely have to go to my room. I have something I would like to show you, and I think you would like to see.?
Now Maas really didn?t want to go with him. But without a guide he wouldn?t be able to find his way anywhere. And he would be completely alone in the darkness.
?Very well,? He answered with a false politeness. ?But I can?t spend too long with you because to be honest, I?m shattered.?
?Oh really? Because so am I. I need to get to bed.? Echizaro said whilst smiling at Maas as they both walked side by side down the labyrinth passage. Both of them were quite close together and Maas did not feel comfortable. They made their way up sets and sets of spiral stairways until finally they reached a small wooden door. Placing his hand on the knob, Echizaro turned it firmly and opened it slightly.
?Well, here we are. Come on. Let?s go in.?



I know it's short. No moaning or complaining.
Now.... comments. Remember them.
And, what will Maas do? Will the inevitable happen and will something strange happen in his guide's room? The suspense is too much. Find out in the next chapter, which won't take so long to post.

Ok I have one thing to say before I seriously comment, I think the guide is gay.
Ok now serious time, I'm wondering whats so important that the guide has to show Maas, but I'll find out next chapter.

You think he's gay?

I didn't think I could have made it more obvious without him actually saying "I'm gay."

Lol, so he really is gay? I was just joking around earlier to.
Anyway I can't wait for the next chapter, any idea when it'll be up?

I'm guessing, sometime next week. Computer problems are really getting in the way.

I know what you mean, I've been typing from my Wii because my computer keeps on killing itself, and don't worry, take as long as you want getting the next chapter up.

haha, I agree with Pooly, that guide's gay

So, seeing as you now see the trouble that Maas has encountered, and ideas about the outcome of this situation?

well, I don't know, maybe the guide would end up trying to kill Maas?

That theory, seems to have no logic whatsoever. Why would he do that?

Exactly what I thought, either way I think whatever the guide shows Mass will answer one of his questions, but thats just my thoughts.
Still my other idea is that the guide will show Maas something rude.